I Felt Like a Newborn

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08-24-2010, 11:04 PM
mazHur

I Felt Like a Newborn

I felt like a newborn baby
that breathed fresh air in the open
like his mother's milk;
I felt growing like a child
entering kindergarten
fresh and tidy like a budding rose
i felt as if I had again gone
physically down the time tunnel
full of life and spirit
young and handsome
glanced at for a look by girls
I felt the breeze, the drizzle, the rain
and the smell of red roses
How rejuvenated it all made me feel
BUT for a while only
Until I light my cigarette next
and drag the poison in!
08-25-2010, 12:50 AM
Haunted

I'm stumped by the last 2 lines... should it be:
"Until I light my next cigarette
and drag the poison in!"

Is my interpretation off?
08-25-2010, 02:10 AM
mazHur

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haunted

I'm stumped by the last 2 lines... should it be:
"Until I light my next cigarette
and drag the poison in!"

Is my interpretation off?

thanks, you are correct:) that was one of the effects of over smoking !!
I will change it accordingly..
08-25-2010, 02:25 AM
Haunted

Maz, this is such a refreshing piece with the best anti-smoke message ever delivered in poetry form. I wonder if you even need the last line, it may be even more impactful to end with just lighting the cigarette. Just a thought :)
08-25-2010, 02:39 AM
mazHur

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haunted

Maz, this is such a refreshing piece with the best anti-smoke message ever delivered in poetry form. I wonder if you even need the last line, it may be even more impactful to end with just lighting the cigarette. Just a thought :)

haunt, I deeply appreciate and thank you for your esteemed comment... makes me kinda flatter!!:)

Actually I wrote these lines after I began to choke with over-smoking last night. It was all extempore...

I agree that removing the last line might give the poem an awesome ending....and a message tooo...will check out. thanks for the suggestion.

Have been smoking for decades....still smoke more than 50/day...which is half what i used to heave in younger days. Now I feel I cannot take more of them..... I begin to get choked .,..and occasionally huff....seems my lungs are done!!hehe
08-25-2010, 02:45 AM
Haunted

so it's really you in your avatar :D
Now you got me worried, please cut back and stay well!!!
08-25-2010, 02:53 AM
mazHur

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haunted

so it's really you in your avatar :D
Now you got me worried, please cut back and stay well!!!

No, it's not me but just a 'symbolic' picture of mine! :)

Thanks, I will try to cut down on tobacco...but the damn addiction doesn't let me go!!:)
08-25-2010, 06:07 AM
Jerrybaldy

Hi Maz
I agree with Haunted (maybe they could fit your lines on the side of the packets). Nice work
Jerry
08-25-2010, 09:09 AM
hillwalker

It's your subconscious telling you to cut down.... a very enjoyable poem with a touch of regret skillfully included. I also think the last line is better left out - let the reader reach their own conclusion.

H