In the Lighthouse, Dancing

I loved lines 1-7

The last two lines fall flat for me some reason. A few suggestions:

"To whom he seeks to return": 'return' seems a bit harsh.... especially the 'turn' syllable... perhaps 'rejoin'.

"If only he can weather the storm": I'm grasping at suggestions here on the idiom and falling flat... 'ride out the storm' seems a small improvement to my mind.

Becomes:

"The movement of your hip
And my hand placed upon it
Brings joy to the Sea Captain as he sees our silhouette
From afar he can see the sweet movement
And the love
Which reminds him of home
And his wife
To whom he seeks to rejoin
If only he can ride out the storm"

Quote:

---

The movement of your hip
And my hand placed upon it
Brings joy to the Sea Captain as he sees our silhouette
From afar he can see the sweet movement
And the love
Which reminds him of home
And his wife
To whom he seeks to return
If only he can weather the storm

---

I loved this, sweet and endearing. Good job.

A clever poem with a little hidden twist perhaps - who are dancing? Is it the lighthouse keeper and his slowly revolving lantern, performing elaborate spins on the dance-floor? Or is it something more abstract - the orbiting light of hope on the distant horizon?

Pardon my one quibble. I would echo tailor's comment - but I actually think the poem works better with the complete removal of line 8.....

H

I love how this moves from the quiet unobserved intimacy of the opening lines to the projection of the speaker's hopes on to the captain.