Whenever I Try to Write To You

Whenever I Try to Write To You

I have been rendered silent,
unable to give voice at the
direction of my own will,
yet there is no viable obstruction,
perhaps a half-visible notion
that is chocked without understanding,

but I sit and stare in wonder,
how to cross the widening void,
two poles pulled apart by a distance
that is no distance, only illusionary,
the negative space that cannot be
mitigated so it becomes a widening
gap, insurmountable even while made
of something even less than air.

Waiting for a sign that will never
appear, after all, what are signals if not
designs of our own construction?

In half-shadowed fear, that is not
quite fear, yet something approaching
the unnamable, yet just as intrusive
in unnoticeable, unspoken ways,
the passivity continues to stretch
and the words that come are not
the words I want, but there is nothing
to be done.

Your words speak for me also Muse, sadly. Good job, I have no clue why this poem took so long to receive the praise it truly deserves. :nod:

Thank you very much for taking the time to read it and commenting upon it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dark Muse

Whenever I Try to Write To You

I have been rendered silent,
unable to give voice at the
direction of my own will,
yet there is no viable obstruction,
perhaps a half-visible notion
that is chocked without understanding,

but I sit and stare in wonder,
how to cross the widening void,
two poles pulled apart by a distance
that is no distance, only illusionary,
the negative space that cannot be
mitigated so it becomes a widening
gap, insurmountable even while made
of something even less than air.

Waiting for a sign that will never
appear, after all, what are signals if not
designs of our own construction?

In half-shadowed fear, that is not
quite fear, yet something approaching
the unnamable, yet just as intrusive
in unnoticeable, unspoken ways,
the passivity continues to stretch
and the words that come are not
the words I want, but there is nothing
to be done.

---

Wow this is sad... and interesting indeed. I only think it's a bit too wordy, and especially S2 would benefit from trimming. Perhaps something like // = trim...:

but I /sit and/ stare in wonder,
how to cross the widening /void/ [COLOR="rgb(0, 100, 0)"]gap[/COLOR],
/two poles pulled apart by/ a distance
that is no distance, /only illusionary/ only an illusion,
/the negative space that cannot be
mitigated so it becomes a widening
gap/, insurmountable /even while/ [COLOR="rgb(0, 100, 0)"]though[/COLOR] made
of /something even/ less than air.

(or:
"but I stare in wonder
how to cross the widening gap,
two poles pulled apart
by an illusory distance,
insurmountable even though
made of less than air")

What do you think?

Warm regards and thanks - Bar

I thank you for your comments and while I can appreciate that you may find it a bit verbose, and while less can be more at times, I feel in this case the trimming down of the stanza takes something away from it, and it looses something in the shortened verse.