I dreamt a dream

Headache

This headache is
just not for nothing
My mind is roaming
not just for nothing
I dreamt a dream
last night
I saw you,
Yes, you, my dear
pushing away my hand
leaving me alone
in the abyss of love
smiling and
walking away
with a beast!

ouch. there be a tempestuous bit of emotion. still, well captured even if it does leave me feeling a bit raw

I'm sorry, every time I see 'jerking off' in the the same line with 'hand' I have trouble keeping a straight face :)
Do you think 'tearing off' might be better?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silas Thorne

I'm sorry, every time I see 'jerking off' in the the same line with 'hand' I have trouble keeping a straight face :)
Do you think 'tearing off' might be better?

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hahahahha! you made a good catch!;)

'pushed away' would be better, I think.
Thanks...

Yes, looks a lot better now. :)

I would probably prefer "jerking away" since it can be read both ways which actually seems to fit with the tone/theme of the poem.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman

I would probably prefer "jerking away" since it can be read both ways which actually seems to fit with the tone/theme of the poem.

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Hmmmm, interesting point he has. Maybe "jerking away" would be better for the raw factor. Besides, what you initially go with is usually closer to what you really mean, and therefore better.

P.S.
When I first saw the title of this thread, I thought perhaps Susan Boyle had finally joined the forum! :biggrin5: