Please help me revise

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02-10-2010, 07:40 PM
JMcGraw18

Please help me revise

In my senior writing class we had to write a letter to an angry customer that had received spam mail from a made-up company. Today he returned them to us and asked us to revise them. I would appreciate it if anyone could give me some tips to make this paper better, because I am stuck on what to do to revise it. My teacher said to fix prepositions mainly. All help would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Mr. Dewalt,

We are sorry for the e-mail with all of our member's e-mails, as this can cause our company some serious problems. We do not want to be fined for the mistake made by one of our employees. But I can assure you we have addressed the problem to the employee and it will not happen again. We have high qualifications for all of our employees and only hire the most competent of employees. Also, we have removed your e-mail address as you have requested and will not send you anymore spam mail. Lastly, I would like for you to have trust in our company as many customers do because the work that we do we do good. Thank you for your time in reading this letter.

Sincerly,

Jon Smith
02-10-2010, 11:21 PM
applepie

I've added some notes below in green. My advice is to rethink the letter from the customer's stand point. Is this what you would really want to hear in the circumstance? Also, what can you do to help maintain them as a customer? You've basically removed their name from a list and asked them to not think badly about the company. If you would like to promote goodwill, dismissing them with no further incentive is not the best way to do it.

Dear Mr. Dewalt,

We are sorry for the e-mail with all of our member's e-mails This is not terribly clear in what you are sorry for. As well, you would not likely tell an angry customer "Sorry". It would likely be better to use something a bit more formal as well as addressing them as if it is a single person writing to them., as this can cause our company some serious problemsWhat problems? I would likely not admit to this. We do not want to be fined for the mistake made by one of our employeesDon't state that you do not wish to be fined. This is a good way to give the customer the idea as well as prompt the idea in their head of "why should I care about your company's problem". But I can assure you we have addressed the problem to the employee and it will not happen again. This should likely be the start of a new paragraphWe have high qualifications for all of our employees and only hire the most competent of employees. Also, we have removed your e-mail address as you have requested and will not send you anymore spam mail. Lastly, I would like for you to have trust in our company as many customers do because the work that we do we do goodThe angry customer has no evidence of this fact, and is likely thinking the business incompetent.. Thank you for your time in reading this letter.

Sincerly,

Jon Smith
02-11-2010, 06:44 AM
kiki1982

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

We are sorry for the e-mail with all of our member's e-mails

Maybe, like Mkhockenberry wrote, you can say something like 'with regret', or 'we are sorry that you were sent...', 'we appologise for'...

member's: apostrophy in the wrong place. 'All our member' does not exist. So it should be 'all our members'. If you even want to put that in the letter.

I would not use the word e-mail two times in one sentence as it sounds clumsy (you do not have enough vocab to put a proper sentence together).

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

But I can assure you we have addressed the problem to the employee and it will not happen again.

Never start a sentence with 'but'. Use 'however', '(al)though' (, 'nevertheless') or anything but 'but'.

Do not say 'I' as you are only an employee writing this letter, write 'we' as the overall company.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

We have high qualifications for all of our employees and only hire the most competent of employees.

Do not use the word 'employee' twice (not enough vocab, poor fellow). At any rate, there is no need for justifcation. There was a little ****-up, so apologise for it, do not admit guilt. And: I, as an angry costumer, have ceased to believe you, so now you're grovelling in my eyes :D. Although that is what I like, companies never do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

Also, we have removed your e-mail address as you have requested and will not send you anymore spam mail.

Do not start a sentence with 'also' because it stops the momentum of the letter. Just tell the costumer that you have removed his e-mail address and that's fine. If you want to put 'also', then put it in its normal place in the sentence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

Lastly, I would like for you to have trust in our company as many customers do because the work that we do we do good.

You sincerely don't like the customer to have trust in your company. Firstly, he has lost it already; secondly, he certainly doesn't want to be ordered to trust; thirdly, you are really dismissing his opinion in favour of more indistinct opinions. If you want trouble, then you'll certainly get it.

You hope the costumer has not lost all trust in your company, as the problem has been addressed. You hope to serve him again in the future (although that is probably in vain).

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

Thank you for your time in reading this letter.

You can apologise again for the mistake and then thank him for his time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JMcGraw18

Sincerly,

Is it not 'yours sincerely'?
02-11-2010, 07:14 AM
mal4mac

What does this thread have to do with "Reading > General Literature"? I suggest the original poster type "how to write a letter" into Google and find a more appropriate place to discuss this.
02-11-2010, 07:25 AM
kiki1982

Quote:

Originally Posted by mal4mac

What does this thread have to do with "Reading > General Literature"? I suggest the original poster type "how to write a letter" into Google and find a more appropriate place to discuss this.

There is also a writing forum on LitNet, but the thread has to be moved.

One cannot learn without some good advise. I mean, tell someone to fix it without explanation is not productive as the student thought that is was good when he handed it in. I have been in that situation and it teaches you nothing if no-one wants to help.

You are right about it being in the wrong forum, but it's the responsibility of the moderator to move it. In the meantime, some tend to humour requests like this as long as it is not simple high school questions about Austen disguised in 'do you know by any chance' to then pass the answer off as one of theirs.