City Boy

This is the beginning of a story Ive been thinking about for a while now. Just started on the first page yesterday. Wondering if its worth my time or should I just quit while I'm ahead. Feedback welcome. (too much profanity?)




“Get up you piece of s***, your dog just pissed on my floor!”
She shuffled over to the couch and paused to examine the fluffy lump of covers that was her younger brother. How disappointing.
“And my good comforter too.”
She grabbed the corner of the blanket and pulled hard.
His entire body convulsed and shriveled into a compact ball as cold air rushed around him.
“B****! Wouldn’t kill you to sleep in once in a while.”
“It’s four in the afternoon, Adam. By the way, it wouldn’t kill you to stop breaking into my window every other night.”
“But you’ve always got the door locked Gracie.”
“Yeah, most normal people would take that as a hint.”
She plopped down on the now unoccupied section of sofa. The pair exchanged curious glances as quiet noises began to resonate from the hallway.
“Oh great, it’s the rat” said Grace.
“Aw, Bandit, Come here girl.” The young man beckoned to his friend.
Click-ity Click, Click Click-ity Click. In pranced a tiny brown and white dog, head held high. Her little claws tapping across the hardwood all the while. Clenched in her teeth were the remnants of a very expensive, no doubt tasty black leather pump. The petite terrier pounced up on the couch next to her owner and proudly spat out her prize directly in his lap. Five-hundred dollars worth of slobbery, gnawed on leather.
Grace had been surveying the scene frozen in silent horror-her mouth agape. Once the initial shock had worn off, her reaction was involuntary.
“Get out! Get OUT! GET THE F*** OUT!!”
Adam scooped up his pal and scurried towards the door. As he stepped through the threshold, he heard the thud of a shoe slamming into wood. He couldn’t resist. He poked his head in for one last word.
“Ya, missed me!”
It hadn’t yet occurred to him that shoes come in pairs. Smack! The mangled shoe’s partner had hit it’s intended mark.
“That’s $500, Adam! You owe me $500!”
“Yeah, yeah." He cracked back. "Put it on my tab.”
He swung the door shut and skulked down the hall; a wry smile on his face.
“Good job Bandy, I think she likes you.”

I don't think that there's such a thing as too much profanity so long as it serves a purpose. Your characters are defining themselves through their language.

What I would recommend is probably a less obvious hook. While a strong opening line like yours may seem to draw readers in, it's actually overdramatic in presentation. That may be what you're looking for, though. It depends on your intended audience.

i like it! i want to know what kind of relationship exists between the two characters, it seems that adam is dependant on grace, so how does he get by without her? The perspective you use also piques my interest; it seems to have insight on both characters and i'd love to read more.