Feedback greatly appreaciated on this in-class story I wrote

So we had a pop in-class story one day, and I was very content with how mine turned out. It is a series of journal entries, recounting the details of a teenager's life. Enjoy, and please give feedback!


October 14, 2007
Dear Diary,
We had a seating change in computer science class today, and what a change it was. I used to sit next to Billy, who smells like crap stuffed in crap and rolled in more crap, but now I sit next to the prettiest girl in class! And she smiled at me when we got up and moved to our new seats. She sure has a nice smile. Did I mention she’s pretty? Ah I’m going to like comp. sci.

October 16, 2007
Dear Diary,
Not only is she really pretty, but she’s funny too! She brought one of those universal remote controls to class today, and kept on clicking it when Mrs. Christina Georgules had her back turned. The TV kept on turning on, and Mrs. Georgules had no idea what was happening. She even called the tech people at school, and they didn’t know what was happening either. The funniest part is that I kept on cracking up in class. Not only did I get a detention, but I think Mrs. Georgules thinks I had something to do with the TV. But oh well, it was worth the laugh!

October 18, 2007
Dear Diary,
It has been 4 days since we have changed seats, and these 4 days have been the best days in my life. She is so pretty, so funny, and just plain cool. She transferred to our school this year, and didn’t make any real friends for the first 2 months. In fact, some girls even hated her, calling her a slut, probably because they aren’t as pretty as she is. I was the first person to reach out to her, and she really appreciated it. Now the two of us eat lunch together and Mrs. Georgules always as to quiet the two of us down in class.

October 22, 2007
Dear Diary,
What to think…what to think. I went to the movies with her this weekend. It was a bit cold outside, and her hands were freezing. She said to me, “Aren’t you cold?” and I told her that my hands are always warm, and then she held my hand. She grabbed it, and said, “Oh my god, you’re like a walking furnace,” and she clung onto my hand for the rest of the day. Also, while we were walking down the hall at school today, a girl saw us and yelled to her boyfriend, “Why can’t we be like them and get along so well?” while pointing to us. To this, he said, “Because you aren’t that pretty,” which I admit, made me laugh. But then I felt uneasy. Were we really like a couple? I mean, I like her a lot, but how does she feel? I looked at her, and she just smiled back. The same nice smile as before. But what does it mean?

October 23, 2007
Dear Diary,
Homecoming is just around the corner. I am also completely clueless on how she feels about me. We spend so much time together, after all. Maybe she does like me. I don’t know! I’ll sleep on it.

October 24, 2007
Dear Diary,
SHE LIKES ME! WOOOOO! In comp. sci. class, I finished our class work early, so I programmed a small game. I finished programming the game, and told her to play it. She breezed through it, and got to the last level, and just stared. The screen said, “Answer the last question to complete the game. Will you go to homecoming with me? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.” After a brutal 4 minutes of waiting (hey, you try sitting still and looking at the clock and waiting for four entire minutes), she typed in “1.” And I exploded. Internally, at least. So I guess imploded. Whatever! She said yes!
November 1, 2007

Dear Diary,
Homecoming was super fun. She is a really good dancer! The music was nice, the DJ was cool; everything went swell. This has been by far the best dance I’ve been to. All because of her!

November 2, 2007
Dear Diary,
I think she likes me too! Earlier today, she opened my backpack and put some bag in it. She told me not to open it or look at it unless she said so. I wonder what it is! She seemed a bit disheveled, so maybe she stayed up late making something nice for me. I am curious!

November 16, 2007
Dear Diary,
Okay. What the ****. I haven’t written in this in two weeks, all because of that damned *****. So she put a bag in my backpack, yeah? Well it turns out that two girls, two girls that she hated, were found dead that morning, apparently stabbed to their deaths. So officers came to our school, and searched our backpacks. And what do they find? A god-****ing damned bloody switchblade in my ****ing backpack. When the cops found it, they pinned me down, while I stared at her in disbelief. Then she starts crying, telling everyone that she saw me stab the two girls in the morning. The description she gave of how I stabbed the girls matched the knife wounds on the bodies. GEE, I WONDER WHY THAT ****ING IS SO. The officer dragged me up, and I ****ing ran. I threw a desk at him and ran all the way home. I grabbed a few things, like this diary, and some money. I’ve lived off McDonald’s for the past two weeks, but year lord it gets ****ing cold at night. If I go back to my family, I’ll get caught. I am a wanted murderer. They won’t reason with me. I am ****ing ****ed. My life is over. How can I escape from this?

NEWS REPORT:
This diary, along with other belongings, was found next to the body of a wanted teenage murderer. On the morning of November 17th, he threw himself in front of an approaching train and instantly died.

BACKGROUND CHECK:
The girl mentioned in the diary had a long criminal record. The place she transferred from was a juvenile detention center; she had been charged with thievery, assault, and participation in public arson.






END.

Quite an unexpected turn of events! Nearly till the end I expected it to be a boring story about high school love. I personally would like the story more without "BACKGROUND CHECK", which, I think, is an attempt to have some kind of a happy end/restoring justice. Without this last paragraph the story would be more mysterious: it could be that the girl is out to commit more crimes, or that perhaps the real explanaition is that the main hero is a psycho: the readers would never know!

Considering this is was written on the spot for a class, and only took about an hour it's pretty good. Most interesting is how you've set it up. (the journal aspect of it followed by news reports) It needs a bit of proof reading though. Oh, and watch out for crime stories. Readers that really appreciate them, (the kind that watch forensic files) can always find holes in the plot.
Yours isn't exactly Swiss cheese, but you see what I mean. At the end, you might charge her with double homicide as well, it couldn't hurt. And don't throw our hero under a train, he seems like such a nice fellow. Good work.

I agree, it got a nice turn... when I started to read I thought "gee ... what a predictable, disney-mainstream plot" but it was not.
I though would have rather had no proove of his death.. so just the diary found and no further trace of him or no further information about the girl and him floating in the river
or no information but the diary at all so that the two of them also could have been a killer-couple...
(and the biginning with that seat-changing part is really a little disney-mainstream but I know that it's sometimes pretty hard to get a story started without some disney-mainstream...;))

but what is a real minus point is that since he had nerver touched the knife an affortable lawjer would have pointed out the missing fingerprints on the bloody knife and had him free instantly.. (sorry I'm a crimenovel fan.. can't help it:redface:)

Yeah, I was thinking about fingerprints when I was writing it too, but I ran out of time (only had 40 minutes!) :smash:

Yeah you definitely have done well for a class job. Probably given more time you've could have made it a little more air tight, but still, well done.

I'm still a little confused as to why he grabbed his diary in the first place? secondly, if it was that important to him, why has it taken 2 weeks to write in? yeah the forensic details were also a minus. But I'm not really disappointed with it, more a 'oh yeah, that's missing, i wonder why?'

I also liked the idea of skipping the background check all together, very interesting concept, could have made a nice opening for ongoing stories about this young lass.

overall, a nice little story for an hours notice.

Although this story was mildly intriguing, I felt it was too much of a cliche and too much was said at the end. This story would benefit from some originality and less explicit language.

I agree with a lot of what was said. I do think it's very good for the time you had... it's tough to be completely original in forty minutes. But, I do think you tell too much. I'd like to see a little more implication, as opposed to explaination. Don't tell us he died, allude to it indirectly. A lot of what makes a story strong is what's not there explicitly; rather, the reader has to deicpher it through questioning. Dont' be afraid to leave things open a bit. And although I think the journal format is creative, I have a feeling it could be stronger in a more traditional format. Maybe try rewriting it that way and see what you think... I could be wrong. I also think it could be strengthen with some further characterization of the girl... Honestly, I really don't feel much of a connection to her. I know she's pretty and funny, but how? Show me-don't tell me (of course, this is the hardest part of writing). Well done nonetheless!

Explicit language was used on purpose; this essay is meant to be read out loud to an audience (which was what I did, to my class). Since time was very limited, I felt that explicit language was a good way to quickly yet effectively make the overall mood take a 180 degree turn. Also, my audience was a class of high school 12th graders, so explicit language worked nicely with them. One should always keep in mind the audience he is writing to :)