A Funny Collection

HOSPITAL DUDE

The coolest dude at the hospital
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented ****ing
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs ****ing

BELLA DONNA

I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela

If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim

SWING

I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty

But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger

SHARING

We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection

THE IT GIRL

I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete

YOU MUFFIN

When young women
Dress with midriff exposed
It can look attractive
To the suitably disposed
But for those more ampler
Flesh spills over the top
Of tight waist bands
To look like muffin tops

POETS OF YORE

Great poets, wordsmiths of yore
Prose and rhyme did write
Of matters that went before
Viewing them in poetic light

LITTLE BOY BLUE

A person who blows their own trumpet
Is by nature a soloist
Alternatively the person could always be
A contortionist

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”

EPIDEMIC TO PANDEMIC

The UK swine flu cases
Have now reach sixty two
But the shocking news
That’s being kept from you
Is of the 35 million
Confirmed cases of man flu

CRIME WATCH

To reduce rising crime
There are criteria to meet
One of which is of course
More “Bobbies” on the beat

Preventative measures help
Taking precaution certainly
Locking doors and windows
Fitting alarms and CCTV

But the only certain way
For your possessions to remain
And for streets to be crime free
Is to stay indoors and pray for rain

JIM PANSY

Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee

A NEW BROOM

Two brooms where wed
And when “I do’s” were said
The lady broom disclosed
The reason for her clothes
Of genourous flatter
And the fact of the matter.
A little broom was on its way
Oh what a happy day
But he was not so happy
With expecting a little chappie
This just wasn’t fair
As he hadn’t swept with her

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
CAT BOY

My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird

BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE

Sooty is 60 years old now
And has had a long career
But behind the sweet façade
There lurks a secret I fear
Sooty and co-star Sweep
Were rivals for the love of Soo
This caused bitter resentment
Still unresolved between the two
Soo’s on screen persona
Was all sweetness and light
But being fought over
Brought her great delight
But this well kept secret
Is not the only one you see
There is another scandal
Lurking to embarrass Sooty
Despite Soo’s on screen image
Off screen she was quite wild
And the dirty little Panda
Had Sooty’s glove child

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE

The upstairs flat has been sublet
Above our local patisserie
To an attractive young woman
Who wears exotic lingerie
Her pursuits are in nature erotic
Ok she’s a prostitute I will admit
But there are advantages to this
As you can eat your cake and have it

:lol::lol::lol:
Thank you, I say, while spluttering and choking with laughter. Classic stuff!

I particularly love the 'Little Boy Blue' and 'You Can't Have Your Cake'... oh no, I just saw the sooty's glove child line...:lol:

****ing marvellous! with a capital F for ****ing!

Thank you very much I'm so glad you enjoyed them.

Paul

You have a finely warped mind Biggus. Hilarious!

eh-hem.... We are amused (written in my best Royal "We" accent)

Hi praise indeed firefangled thank you.
And We are much gratified by your praise Sophia