Breeze Whispers

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11-03-2009, 01:05 AM
indydavid

Breeze Whispers

Glass calm sea, slight wind fills sail, high cotton cloud on tropic air.
She calls to me. I will not fail the wondrous scent of flowing hair.
She dances light on ballet step, with dip at tiny, slender waist.
I catch the sight, the heart is kept, the lip, it trembles, hers to taste.
And the breeze whispers a name.

She sat beside one summer night, my restless soul bared empty. Yet
Began the ride, set loose in flight, she whispered soft, should I forget.
I knew her then; I know her now. She's been inside for all the while.
I wonder when, she wonders how we've come so far, this endless mile.
And the breeze whispers a name.

A fleeting thought; to smile at dawn, and think of pledge yet to fulfill.
No longer fraught, the curtains drawn, her body draped in sapphire frill.
I smile at her. My breath escapes. Her tongue is sweet as morning dew.
To not defer, love's heart makes haste. Would give myself a touch; she flew.
And the wind whispers a name.

Soft hand on flesh, taut back in arch, moist breath on neck that shakes me so.
I give the rest. Light fills the dark. She speaks what I already know.
She calls my name on moment high, and body quivers at the touch.
In love's fair game, the softest sigh that fills the room. Erotic blush.
And the breeze whispers a name.

Leaves in ochre, autumn hue. On rose's bed two bodies lie.
I know her now, she knows me, too, and together breathe the softest sigh.
Her name I call, a gentle song that tickles sheers hung loose in mist.
My name she calls, conviction strong, through lips that hunger mine to kiss.
And the breeze whispers a name.

The play begun, the open scene, two actors in the roles are set.
The words now run, and, in between soft linens, warmth is now beset.
And intertwined two spirits hold, in gentle grasp, each other's heart.
It is now time. It can be told. This time is of tomorrow's start.
And the breeze whispers a name.

She came to me in darkest time, though waited long for her, have I.
A love to see, sweet love sublime, the moment sought, the time is nigh.
She's held my heart in warmest hand, and reason to exist made new.
I'll never part this feeling. Grand! It's life begun; one made of two.
And the breeze whispers, Amber.
11-03-2009, 01:07 AM
Granny5

It reads beautifully. I'm glad you posted it.
11-03-2009, 01:25 AM
Virgil

First welcome to lit net David. This reads wonderfully. I don't have time for more detailsed comments right now (it's way passed my bed time already ;)) but I promise to give this a closer look tomorrow. :)
11-03-2009, 01:46 AM
indydavid

thanks virgil, and granny 5. i'm just a tad nervous about puttin my things in a public arena...
11-03-2009, 02:16 AM
Maryd.

Well David. Well done, Like Virgil I am also in a hurry to rush off. But it is looking good. Will look into it some time tomorrow morning. Keep it up. Welcome.
Mary
11-03-2009, 09:56 AM
Granny5

bump for MH
11-03-2009, 10:01 AM
motherhubbard

David, that was a lovely poem. I'll be back to this although it may be the end of the month. I think you will be happy and right at home here. I'm so glad you posted and I look forward to reading more.
11-03-2009, 02:01 PM
browneyedbailey

Wow. I'm at a loss of words. You write so wonderfully, I'm jealous.
11-03-2009, 03:02 PM
PrinceMyshkin

There's a great rush of passionate tender feeling throughout this. Although you manage the somewhat archaic diction well, it takes away somewhat from the immediacy of the poem. It's like noticing someone who interests you but being distracted by his somewhat anachronistic clothing.

You'd get more of a readership, I think, if you posted this in the "Personal Poetry" section.
11-03-2009, 04:11 PM
indydavid

thanks, all. i'm new at this, so finding the appropriate home for things is going to take some time, but i genuinely appreciate the feedback. prince-thanks for the suggestion. is there a way to "move" items from one section to another?
11-03-2009, 04:21 PM
PrinceMyshkin

Quote:

Originally Posted by indydavid

thanks, all. i'm new at this, so finding the appropriate home for things is going to take some time, but i genuinely appreciate the feedback. prince-thanks for the suggestion. is there a way to "move" items from one section to another?

you could either copy your poem from here or wherever you have it on your hard-drive, then click up above and to the left on "Literature Network Forums," enter, then when you're there click "page down" twice to where you see the heading "Personal Poetry," click on that, look a little below the band to where it says "New Thread," click on that and enter your poem.
11-12-2009, 09:31 PM
Virgil

Oh I forgot to come back to this. I'm sorry. This is beautiful David. I've gotten so used to short lined poems that the long lines in this is a wonderful change. I think the line lengths really make this poem. It beautifully paces, and I didn't really mind the archaism. Actually it's not archaisms but unnatural word order. It gives it a Tennysonian feel. The only place I wninced was with the line "I look back not." That was is just flat out awkward. But the others give a certain romance to the poem. I really like this. It's not modern poetry, but it's good poetry.

The one stanza I don't think adds anything is this one:

Quote:

The play begun, the open scene, two actors in the roles are set.
The words now run, and, in between soft linens, warmth is now beset.
And intertwined two spirits hold, in gentle grasp, each other's heart.
It is now time. It can be told. This time is of tomorrow's start.
And the breeze whispers a name.

You could probably delete that one or replace it with something else.

Quote:

But these stanzas are outstanding:
A glass calm sea, slight wind fills sail, high cotton cloud on tropic air.
She calls to me. I will not fail the wondrous scent of flowing hair.
She dances light on ballet step, with dip at tiny, slender waist.
I catch the sight, my heart is kept, my lip does tremble hers to taste.
And the breeze whispers a name.

and

Quote:

Soft hand on flesh, taut back in arch, moist breath on neck, it shakes me so.
I give the rest. Light fills the dark. She speaks what I already know.
She calls my name on moment high, and body quivers at the touch.
In love's fair game, the softest sigh that fills the room. Erotic blush.
And the breeze whispers a name.

I really enjoyed this. :)
11-14-2009, 07:16 AM
blazeofglory

There is an overflow of passions and emotions. You have made a wonderful infusion of images and metaphors
11-14-2009, 12:01 PM
indydavid

thanks to all for the superb comments; it's encouraging to know one's work reviewed by many critical eyes. virgil, your suggestion about removing the confusing stanza is well made, and i'll look at it again. the reason for the image is the self-consideration of player on life's stage, and the irony, tension and conflict of act1-scene1. look back not-awkward indeed, i agree. blaze, thanks for the sense of overflow - it was intentional, and i appreciate the comment.

thanks, again, to all...
11-14-2009, 05:18 PM
~Sophia~

Welcome and, it's all been said! I look forward to more of your work!