PLEASE COMMENT first short story

Here is my first short story that I am pleased with... Please leave a comment.


The sun emerged spreading its glistening light throughout the city, springing it into life. The boy stood calmly at the bus stop awaiting the arrival of the silver vessel. The bus peered over the hill as it made its way to a steady halt at the young boys feet. The boy picked up his bag and made his way up the stairs of the bus.
“Mornin’ son.” The elderly, yet cheerful bus driver exclaimed as the boy entered the bus.
“H… Hello sir.” The boy stuttered as if he was paying no attention to what was going on around him. The boy made his way down the aisle searching for an empty seat. Much to his dissatisfaction there were no seats except next to a man towards the centre of the bus he seemed strangely accepting as if he was offering the seat to the boy.

As the boy approached the man he shifted across to allow the boy to become seated before the bus began its move towards the city centre. The boy sat down carefully minding his bag as he tried to squeeze it onto the floor.
“You right there?” Asked the tall man sitting next to him. The man made a move towards the bag to help him out.
“NO!” The boy exclaimed and tore the bag from the mans hands and placed it on his lap.
“Sorry…” The main said in a fairly sarcastic tone that seemed upsetting to the boy. With the bag placed on his lap the bus took off towards its destination. The boy seemed very agitated and was constantly whispering things under his breath to himself.
“Are you okay?” The man questioned. The boy was unaware that he was being spoken too.
“Hello.” The man waved his hands in front of the boys face “Are you all right?” He repeated.
“I’m fine.” The boy replied trying to ignore the man. He looked out the window and saw that they were almost in the city centre. The boy took a deep breath in and clutched his bag.

The man sitting next to him seemed eager to initiate a conversation with the boy but seemed reluctant to. He instead lifted a newspaper from under his arm and began to read the front story. The boy peered over to see what was on the cover. In large print read
“Bombing in New York kills hundreds.” The boy seemed to chuckle after reading it. The man looked over at the boy who had a grin on his face and was trying to conceal it.
“You find something amusing?” The man said with a very stern face.
“What’s not to laugh about?” Replied the boy. The mans face turned into a face of disgust.
“How dare you, laugh at such a thing.” The man exclaimed. The people around them were trying not to look as the mans voice became more noticeable. The boy turned to face the man with a smirk on his face as he whispered to the man.
“Today, I make my father proud, Today I join him.” The man stared at the boy who’s hand was inside the bag that he was carrying. Time paused. The mans eyes were full of fear as the world around him came to a complete halt. The boy illuminated in a yellow and red glow that emerged from the bag. Each second that passed, another memory flashed before him. His family. His son. His wife. All of these things rendered useless as what was about to happen unfolded. The light engulfed the space around him ripping apart his surroundings in a grinding blast. Slowly the bright lights around him faded out gently, calmly to a deep black. The simple word that passed through the mans mind… … Why?

I like this plot and I would relate to this story if there was more specificity. For example 'the man' and 'the boy' are very obscure and it less likely therefore for me as the reader to relate or be moved in any way by them throughout the story. they are nobody to me in which i can place and have a connection with on a personal level so this means that the end loses some of its impact since, the only thing I know about the 'man' at the last moment is he has a wife and a son.

I would suggest that you open our mind to the man by be being specific in detail and revealing him to the reader so that we can truly appreciate the 'why?' more fully at the end and feel the loss.

I agree with Delta 40. You should describe the man in greater detail so we care he's blown up. Say he "has kind eyes" at the least. The kinder or friendlier you make him the more we'll care. And the boy too. We should have a hint as to his motivation, like, was it his father that did the first bomb? I'd make it that. Instead of chuckling, make him sad about it. Give the kid a good reason for snuffing himself and everyone else. Then we'd have a situation where we understand him better. (He's torn by grief and revenge)

Ending was good.

You may want to reread your story though, you made some simple mistakes:

“Sorry…” The main said in a fairly sarcastic tone that seemed upsetting to the boy.

The man sitting next to him seemed eager to initiate a conversation with the boy but seemed reluctant to.

“H… Hello sir.” The boy stuttered as if he was paying no attention to what was going on around him.

You also spend too much time on the awkward conversation.
May want to spend more time on the man's character, back story and possibly a little sympathy for the boy who would have seemed rather nervous travelling on the bus. Something to make us think he is more than just a prick travelling on a bus badgering some half wit little boy who then proceeds to blow up.

Was really too vague to make anything of it, though it would perfectly do if it was a beginning chapter or an intro. A short story should be full by its own; meaning, complex, reasons and outcome. Yours lacks meaning and reason, in my opinion, there isn't much info or detail as to why something like that would happen (or maybe that was the whole point of it for the last word's sake... why... exactly - why?)

But then again, I'd say it isn't really good enough to stand as a short story. However, leaving that aside, I find your style tempting. The little but simple details of the bus, the boy, the man... all these in a way reflect simple things that evoke imagination. Try at this story one more time, maybe make it a little longer to have space writing some intriguing complex that would make the reader think about it for some time after finishing it.

The idea of the older man waving his hands in front of the boys face seems a little bit unrealisitic to me. When does that ever happen? A complete stranger paying so much attention to another complete stranger and even waving his hands in front of his face. That's a good way to start a fight. Nice conclusion, suprising. It could be improved with stronger poetic words used to describe the blast and the bomb itself.

Other than that, strong attempt. Good flow.

Thanks for all of the feedback. I will try to tweak it ready for my next attempt

you have a very good tone in this story.I would like for you to check out my first short story it is called Silent Tears.
Contact me anytime.