Words of Whizdom for the Class of '09
Words of Whiz Dumb to the Class of ‘09
We take you now to the Rentacenter Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash to join the graduation ceremony already in progress. University President Porterhouse Mistake III is about to address the gala. . .
“Good afternoon. Welcome to the annual commencement ceremony of the upstate campus of Downstate University at East Hogwash. Before we begin the festivities, a number of announcements:
First, a reminder to all of our distinguished visitors that DUH is a gun-drug-smoke-alcohol-trans fat-peanut butter-and MSG-free zone.Secondly, will the driver of the maroon Kia, license plate KICKME-3, please move his or her car? It’s blocking the emergency lane and the repo trucks can't get through to the faculty parking lot.
Thirdly, will Mr. Bradley Freen, will you stand up please? (No applause, Audience, please.) Mr. Freen, the history department has asked me to remind you that it is imperative that you submit an overdue paper or you will not be able to graduate today. Didn't we go through this last year, Mr. Freen?
And I've purposely left the best announcement for last, one we here at DUH hope will come as a pleasant surprise to all of our graduates and their families. When you receive your diploma this afternoon,you will also receive as a gift a free 20-cent coupon for any Value Meal at Mr. Bumpety Bump Burgers, at the Purgatory Road location only. It’s DUH’s way of saying “thank you” for all your fine work these past four years and for all the thousands of dollars in tuition payments. Just our way of giving back to the community.
Now without further ado, it’s my pleasure to introduce the commencement speaker for the class of Ought Nine. I'm sorry to report that our original choice is unable to be here today, but we look forward to welcoming him as soon as he is able to accept speaking engagements in the year 2159 or perhaps earlier with good behavior. So instead of Bernie Madoff, I give you an illustrious DUH alumnus, a man who was voted MVP for the East Hogwash Boars three years running (and one year getting picked off base) and currently half of the great team of “Goose and Biff in the Morning” right here on WDUH,109.4 and a half on your FM dial, MISTER Garry “Goose” Ganderheimer!”
(After a smattering of applause.) “Thank you, President Mistake.” (Retrieves a card from his pocket and reads) “Now your Muckenmeyer’s Beer scoreboard. Mud hens 6, Railbirds 3– whoops! Wrong card. Sorry.” (Produces another card.) “Extinguished faculty members, guests, gradumates and parents, thank you for inviting me to the Rentacenter Civic Center for your gradjeation, er, gradulation ceremony. I am glad that you picked me and not my radio co-host Biff Bennington. He’s a good egg, but I'm the DUH albumin here, not him. He did go here, but I don't think he gradumalated. Something about a history paper he never turned in. I kid Biff. When it comes to talking sports, he’s as good as anybody.
Except maybe me.
That’s why I'm the best choice to tell all you gradumates about the Game of Life. First thing to do is get a good agent. A guy who doesn't give a – er, doesn't care about integrity or any of that fluffy stuff. The only thing that matters is the bottom line. My agent walked over his grandmother to get me a good contract, and when she squawked about it, he walked over her agent.
When you start playing, you should do everything you gotta do to win. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't follow the rules. For instance, never make the first or last out at third base. When you're on a road trip, never try to get the guys to join you in singing ‘A Hundred Bottles o’ Beer on the Wall.’ And if you take steroids, make sure you follow the directions on the bottle.
Everything may be going well, but sooner or later a sad day will come when you start getting traded so many times that they write your name on a Magic State and hang it on the back of your uniform. When that happens, you know it’s time to – no, not retire, but switch careers.
Who wouldn't want to be the Athletic Director at some huge college--that’s where the Big Bucks are! If not, you can do what I did – and become a co-host of a sport radio talk show. That job is hard to get, but it really helps if your first name is Mike.
And finally, when I was in Pro Ball, people used to tell me that there’s no ‘I’ in team. So I'd tell ‘em, ‘Yeah, but there’s no ‘u’ in it either.' Good luck, Gradumates. See you all down at Mr. Bumpety Bumps.”
[Note: If you missed the ceremony last year, thank your proverbial lucky stars, but if you want to take a peek, here's the link:
http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=35518 ]
