A Private Cave

(I think this needs some work. I seem to constantly fail to translate images in my head into words, and end up becoming discoursive and discursive. Any advice is welcome. I especially don't think the first stanza fits with the rest except but in a very loose thematic way, and maybe even the second as well.)

I’ve sailed upon your open seas
And found them but an empty desert.
I’ve wandered through your tangled jungles
And found myself perpet’lly lost.
I’ve walked along your man-made roads
And ended at the boundless center.

Nowhere in the box
Limited space and mind
The inside so unkind
To shapes that just won’t fit.

Stare long into the pit
A masquerade
So grand
Awaits
Impatiently
Most consider
Not carefully
Before they leap
Into darkness
Infinite
So most unmindful dress in costume
And blithely fall
And there submit

But some will look and wonder
Within they’ll not commit
Themselves
Instead decide to live
In other places
Less well lit
To build a land apart
And there a cave
Against the tide
A haven
Against the storm
To weather
A place to walk
To stand
To run
To think
But alone
To sit.

i'll comment tomorrow, as i don't have much time now, but i re-read it a few times.

Well, if you re-read it then I guess it can't be TOO bad. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman

(I think this needs some work. I seem to constantly fail to translate images in my head into words, and end up becoming discoursive and discursive. Any advice is welcome. I especially don't think the first stanza fits with the rest except but in a very loose thematic way, and maybe even the second as well.)

I’ve sailed upon your open seas
And found them but an empty desert.
I’ve wandered through your tangled jungles
And found myself perpet’lly lost.
I’ve walked along your man-made roads
And ended at the boundless center.

---

i think the reason this beginning doesn't fit, is that it's in complete sentences, and begins with first-person viewpoint. the other stanzas' viewpoint are the metaphors. i don't understand "I've walked along your man-made roads And ended at the boundless center."

Quote:

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Nowhere in the box
Limited space and mind
The inside so unkind
To shapes that just won’t fit.

---

i like this stanza. the 'so unkind' does rhyme, but isn't quite the sentiment i think you meant for the shapes.

Quote:

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Stare long into the pit
Most consider
Not carefully
Before they leap
Into darkness
Infinite

---

stare might be better 'staring', because it sounds like an understood 'you stare'. 'not carefully' sounds uncomfortable, and it could be added as an adverb to 'consider', such as 'carelessly considering'.

Quote:

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A masquerade
So grand
Awaits
Impatiently
So most unmindful dress in costume
And blithely fall
And there submit

---

if they're falling into the pit, as above, you could tie these together. also, if you use 'submit', then maybe state to what's submitted.

Quote:

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But some will look and wonder
And in they’ll not commit
Themselves
Instead decide to live
In other places
Less well lit.

---

'in' could maybe be 'inside' or 'within'. 'commit' maybe 'noncommital' also.

Quote:

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To build a land apart
And there a cave
Against the tide
A haven
Against the storm
To weather
A place to walk
To stand
To run
To think
But alone
To sit.

---

'build a land' is questionable. maybe 'become a nomad in other lands'. i saw you changed from 'wheather'. the last lines are great. great job on the whole.

Thanks a lot for the critical notes!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

i think the reason this beginning doesn't fit, is that it's in complete sentences, and begins with first-person viewpoint. the other stanzas' viewpoint are the metaphors. i don't understand "I've walked along your man-made roads And ended at the boundless center."

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You're right about the complete sentences. Those were the first lines that came to mind and then it kinda branched off into the metaphors from there. The last line simply means this: A road is built to lead somewhere; have an end, a destination. If you end at the 'boundless center', you're pretty much nowhere.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

i like this stanza. the 'so unkind' does rhyme, but isn't quite the sentiment i think you meant for the shapes.

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So unkind describes the attitude of those inside to the shapes that won't fit.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

'not carefully' sounds uncomfortable, and it could be added as an adverb to 'consider', such as 'carelessly considering'.

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It was meant to be an adverb to consider. I broke it up for rhythm and to make it a bit of a surprise (most would take the "most consider" part to mean that most think carefully about something, the next line modifies the assumption).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

if they're falling into the pit, as above, you could tie these together. also, if you use 'submit', then maybe state to what's submitted.

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Good idea about trying to tie them together. I thought maybe those two stanzas were a bit too much alike to be apart. The masquerade is what's being submitted to.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

'in' could maybe be 'inside' or 'within'. 'commit' maybe 'noncommital' also.

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Definitely, thanks for the advice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

'build a land' is questionable. maybe 'become a nomad in other lands'. i saw you changed from 'wheather'. the last lines are great. great job on the whole.

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I like the build a land part; it sounds more vivid and active than "find a land". I was a bit tired when I wrote it last night (greatest poetic inspiration seems to come early in the morning or right before bed time for some reason).

Thanks very much, I'll do some work on it.

EDIT: I already rearranged it. I think it works better now, but I'd like your opinion.

let me say the more i read this the more i like it... please take no offense at my edits, as the content is alread excellent:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman

I’ve sailed upon your open seas
And found them but an empty desert.
I’ve wandered through your tangled jungles
And found myself perpet’lly lost.
I’ve walked along your man-made roads
And ended at the boundless center.

---

maybe,
upon sailing your open seas
only empty desert i've found
through your tangled jungles
perpet'lly lost i've wandered
along your man-made roads
t'ward a boundless center i'm led

Quote:

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Nowhere in the box
Limited space and mind
The inside so unkind
To shapes that just won’t fit.

---

i'm glad you explained 'unkind' to me, it fits now.

Quote:

---

Stare long into the pit
A masquerade
So grand
Awaits
Impatiently
Most consider
Not carefully
Before they leap
Into darkness
Infinite
So most unmindful dress in costume
And blithely fall
And there submit

---

it seems like this needs another line to make it complete. thank you that i had to look up 'blithely'. i see now that they submit to the masquerade, although it's far away from the subject to make me forget, and/or ask what is it about the masquerade they have to submit?

Quote:

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But some will look and wonder
Within they’ll not commit
Themselves

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maybe: but some will look within and wonder/afraid, they'll not commit

Quote:

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Instead decide to live
In other places
Less well lit
To build a land apart
And there a cave
Against the tide
A haven
Against the storm
To weather

---

preference: a haven/to weather/against the storm

Quote:

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A place to walk
To stand
To run
To think
But alone
To sit.

---

the last lines seem like a word is needed, such as, 'but still alone to sit'.
if you want to chop up my poetry, please do, as i love how people see things differently.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

maybe,
upon sailing your open seas
only empty desert i've found
through your tangled jungles
perpet'lly lost i've wandered
along your man-made roads
t'ward a boundless center i'm led

---

I guess I'm a fan of refrains; the "I've" bits that start the lines. I might think of some better ways to reword them though.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

what is it about the masquerade they have to submit?

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Normally you'd join in a masquerade, but submit is a bit of a criticism (obviously written by someone outside) that those inside become subservient to the workings of the masquerade and what they do is dictated by the nature of it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

but some will look within and wonder/afraid, they'll not commit

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Not afraid, as it's not fear that keeps them back. May be an adjective similar to 'disgusted' but lighter.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

preference: a haven/to weather/against the storm

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Yeah, I like that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cogs

the last lines seem like a word is needed, such as, 'but still alone to sit'.

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Again, I think you're right. I'll work a bit and re-edit. Thanks.