As a child, being a Catholic was no different to me than being an Italian/Scotch-Irish/German by descent.
I was Catholic by descent.
I knew other religions existed – I even knew a bit about what some of them believed.
I was fortunate enough to be raised in one of the most culturally and religiously diverse areas of the world – Northern New Jersey. My childhood school pictures looked like a UN Security Council in miniature.
However, just as I was born Italian, I was born Catholic.
One day, in my third grade class, the teacher was talking about what Deists believe. She taught us that they believed that there is a God who started it all, but then pulled away to let things happen as they will. Their God did not intervene at all.
My first thought was that this made sense to me.
Then something clicked. I’m not sure exactly how or why it happened, but it did.
I instantly realized that religion isn’t something that was part of who I am. It was something I chose to be a part of – or chose to not be a part of.
It made me think of all the questions I got in trouble for asking in CCD. For those who are not familiar, CCD stands for “Confraternity of Christian Doctrine”. It is the Catholic Church’s method of indoctrinating school-aged kids.
“Teacher. We have been to the moon. We know that if we get out of the atmosphere our heads will explode. How come God didn’t know that, and he felt he had to change everyone’s language when they were building the Tower of Babel?”
“Teacher. Who lived in the Land of Nod?”
“Teacher. If Adam and Eve were the first two people, and incest is a sin…”
I immediately decided I was no longer Catholic.
This started a long search for what I did believe. The more I learned about the history of the Church, the words of Jesus and what other religions had to say, the less faith I had in the Christian God.
No matter how much I was opposed to the idea of a cognizant Creator God watching over us, I could never call myself an atheist and I could not figure out why.
Was it my Catholic indoctrination? After all, as a very young child I talked to God and was convinced he talked back to me.
Was it social pressure?
Was it being unsure of myself?
Was it simply an easy way to explain the mysteries of the Universe?
For years I would never refer to myself as an atheist and when people would ask I would say that I was an agnostic with Buddhist leanings.
The reason, I finally figured out, why I could not call myself an atheist is that I did believe in something greater, grander and more powerful than us – than life itself. This thing I saw as divine. I had a humble reverence for it. I was in awe of its power. This thing was, for all intents and purposes, equivalent to – hell, even more powerful than – any God I had heard or read about.
It, however, was not cognizant. It had no intention, save for what we gave it. It was not angry, benevolent, malevolent, jealous or any other human trait we prescribed to Gods, yet it was – in my view – sacred.
The Devil and God are indistinguishable.
Both reside in the collective intentions, actions and knowledge of man, and they are in a constant struggle with each other.
Every action you take affects the lives and decisions of countless people around you and each one of those actions that were affected by your action affects many more.
It is an endless collection of ripples interacting in an infinite pool of time.
Any decision you make, regardless of how insignificant it may seem on the surface, could ultimately end up affecting the lives of millions of people that you don’t even know, and many that you do know.
What is most important is being mindful of the contributions you make to it by virtue of simply existing and interacting with other life.
It is important to acknowledge the fact that we and our lives are so intrinsically intertwined and powerfully influenced by this, and that we would do well to keep that in mind when we make the choices we do.
We certainly are self-determined animals, but we are constantly inundated with influences in our lives, and while that is certainly no excuse to absolve yourself of your responsibility and accountability for your actions, not being mindful of such influences will cause you to fall prey to it. The immense power of this is something that should be revered, not blamed, because the source of the blame is placed squarely on individuals and their actions.
As such, nothing is more important than integrity and compassion in action.
Although its existence cannot be seen, heard, measured or quantified, it certainly has very real effects.
It swept through the Deep South many years ago and convinced people that they were justified in lynching human beings based on the color of their skin.
It pulled people together at home to gather their efforts and cooperate while their sons and husbands were off fighting World War II.
It made Michael Jackson a star.
It made Michael Jackson a pitiful laughing stock.
Even inanimate objects have a role to play. If a tree falls and blocks your path, you must find a way over, through or around it.
What if that tree falls on an ambulance in its way to rescue a dying child?
Everything is interconnected, and those interconnections, are a beautiful example of synergy. The sum really is greater than the whole of its parts.
Every action you take, every word you speak, every thought you have, becomes a part of this, influences it and can be greatly magnified by it.
That synergy is what I worship.
It is Chaos Theory.
It is The Butterfly Effect.
It is Karma, Manifest.
While there may well be Fundamental Metaphysical Truths out there which we have no control over, reality is certainly manifest through belief and actions.
Does the Christian God exist? If people believe in him, he does. All Gods exist.
Whether or not God’s existence is a Metaphysical Truth, it is a reality. If people believe in him, their lives are affected by this belief as much as they would be if he did exist then he does.
The power inherent in Gods is the power inherent in collective belief and action.
If a million people believe in the God Ralph, and these million people act in a concordance with what they believe Ralph wants them to act, does it really matter if Ralph’s existence is a matter of Metaphysical Truth? The results are the same.
While I do not hold any belief that any cognizant Gods exist as a matter of Metaphysical Truth, they do, in fact, exist in reality.
I do not worship these Gods, I do, however, worship Karma Manifest in much the same way that people worship these Gods of theirs.
Thus, I am not a theist or an atheist.
I am a non-theist.
