I'd like some feed back on a story im writing
Hello I'm brand new and would like some feed back on a story I'm writing. its the prolouge for the story im writing "No Heart for Heroes". I'm 15 years old my name is Ian and I live in florida.
"Dream"
A small boy stands, his hands reaching for the clouds. Behind him hundreds, hundreds of everyday ordinary people. People old, young, sickly, all huddled together worried with fear. The boy’s eyes don’t shiver in fear though; they are calm and all knowing. The angle changes, to the front an army charges.
The army extends past the horizon, demoralizing all, all but the boy. As they march, mud and dirt splashes against their thick black armor. The large distance quickly closes. A noticeable change; the rain clouds, mud and even the people are now a series of dark depressing colors. Taking a deep breath the child lowers his head.
Closing his eyes, and gritting his teeth he braces for impact. Time passes but nothing happens. As his eyes open, his vision becomes my own. The marching of boots ceases. The soldiers that marched seconds earlier now stand motionlessly gawking at the sky in awe.
Curiously I bring my own eyes to the clouds. As I do time almost seems to slow in respect of the happening. The clouds part to form a circle of clear blue sky. Light shines down from the hole, a shower of golden rays. In its center an embracing couple garbed in armor fall head first.
Every detail is clear to me. The man is unconscious, his eyes are shut. But the woman’s eyes are locked on his face. They sparkle with loving and overflowing affection for him. Placing her left hand on the back of his head she leans in to kiss him.
Retracting her lips she smiles and closes her eyes. A tear slips off her feminine cheek. Somehow, her body turns a bright white then shatters. Bright fragments from her body condense over his skin and sink in. The beautiful woman and the man were literally one with now.
Within seconds the man’s own eyes open, struck with surprise. Whatever had really happened, the man had been too late to stop it. Tears fill his light brown eyes and overflow down the face below. His fall speeds up drastically, within seconds he would reach the ground underneath. As his fall quickens, does the wind soaring through his brown hair.
My fears are realized as he hits the ground with a crash. Dirt sprays upward on impact; leaving a dust cloud. The extent is so great I can barely make out my own feet. I wait a minute for the haze to finally clear. My eyes widen, and my mouth drops. What should have been dead and lifeless was moving.
He weakly pushes his body against the ground in an attempt to stand. Armor cracks and falls off as he struggles to one knee. Looking up he scans the crowd, stopping with me.
He extends a hand as if to grab me but stops short, coughing violently. His face becomes confused when he sees blood on the hand used to cover his mouth.
His facial expression dulls emotionlessly. Tremors seem to shake the ground as I watch his eyes turn a crimson red. I weakly succumb and fall to my knees; in turn he rises off his own. The colors around him distort from their former depression. Gusts of wind strongly blow, forcing me to shut my eyes.
Reopening them I find a change in appearance. On his back are a strong, spread feathered wings. The kind ‘angels’ had. It was clear to me now, there was no tremors. My legs had been shaking.
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comments would be great help. I plan on full out writing this, but it doesnt really discribe the story here much :(. Thankfully i do have a little vid (completly appropriate) that does go into some of the story there. heres the link
HTML Code:
http://kinggreywolf.synthasite.com/
. Be a little easy on me it is my first work
