Words of Whiz Dumb

Words of Whiz Dumb

At many institutions of higher learning, the master of ceremonies at commencement ceremonies is the university president, who is the second most important man on campus. (Number one BMOC is the athletic director.) Listen now, as Pres. Porterhouse Mistake III addresses the gala:

“Good afternoon. Welcome to the annual commencement ceremony at the upstate campus of Downstate University at East Hogwash. Before the festivities begin, some announcements:

Our campus radio station – - WDUH , 109.4 and a half-on your dial – - has been experiencing some difficulties with its frequency and the transmitter needs a boost, so please turn ON your cellphones.

Secondly, although we applaud the accomplishments of our would-be graduates, we would like to remind you that the rental fee for the cap and gown is not refundable and that they must be turned in at the admissions office no later than ten minutes following the conclusion of the commencement. (Hope you've got high-speed film in your cameras, folks!)

Also, when you come up to the stage, you'll receive a blank piece of paper. Your actual degree will be mailed to you within six-to-eight weeks, provided that you included shipping and handling in your last tuition payment. Oh, and Bradley Freen, will you stand up please? (Please hold your applause.) Mr. Freen, Professor Dimgloss asked me about a missing history paper? You have about fourteen minutes to research it, print it up, and get it in or you can forget the ol’ sheepskin.

“And now without further ado, I would like to introduce this year’s Commencement Speaker. We are sorry to report that our original choice was unable to make it due to an emergency. So we wish the honorable Congressman Hilton Holler lots of luck in making bail. So instead of Congressman Holler, we now welcome the Arthur J. Dimsbulb Chair Distinguished Professor Emeritus L. Pierpoint Whitebread. So put your hands together and give it up for Professor Dimsbulb -- er -- Whitebread. Whoever. . .”

“Thank you, President Mistake. Distinguished fellows (and gals), honored alumni (and may I say that you all look handsome in your orange Home Depot vests and maroon McDonalds caps), parents (whom I see have somehow managed to sit in the stadium seats despite wearing barrels), and last but certainly least graduates:

“I come to you today with a heavy heart. Maybe it’s the state of the world today or perhaps it was the extra-spicy burrito which I had for lunch in the campus dining hall. We look to you, Graduates, to change the world for the better. ERP!”

“When I see your youthful faces I think back to my own college days when I was awarded my first degree. Actually, it was the third degree, and I received it in the second precinct. But nevertheless I got an education.

“In the years since then I've discovered a basic truth: knowledge is a lifelong pursuit, and learning never stops (except if you choose a career in politics.) Those who fail to remember history are doomed to repeat it. I am talking to you, Mr. Freen.

“Also, remember that after you write your screenplay (and who doesn't?), always insist on a percentage of the gross. If you let ‘em talk you into a piece of the net, you'll be waiting for your cut longer than the NBA playoffs.

“Beware of mixed metaphors. Beware of wolves in sheeps’ clothing and vice versa. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, especially from off-campus fraternities. Your past is behind you, your future is ahead of you, and your present may come from your parents, if --after all those tuition payments -- they have any scratch left to buy you a gift.

“If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it‘s probably a duck. On the other hand, it might be my cousin Ethel. People who live in glass houses probably spend a lot on Windex. And those of you with liberal arts degrees who can only find minimum wage jobs, take comfort in the words of our forefather Ben Franklin: a penny saved is a penny earned.

“And finally"– -[brief applause at the word “finally” --] I will leave you with this: As you go forth, try not to trip on the graduation gown on the guy in front of you. Thank you.”

Another great one, Auntie.

Any story that gets in a dig on cellphones and all the commercialization of everything (as in your orange Home Depot vests) is fantastic, at least in my eyes.

And there are lots of clever twists (e.g., 'actually the third degree' ...), as you always take the time and thought required to add these.

And I forgot to mention that you took the time to get a school name that would yield WDUH for the radio station's call letters! Great touch.

Very amusing, AuntShecky. Wish some speakers had that humor, lol