Help!!! again....

okay, well, i feel so stupid posting this but anyway....

er, there is this scene in my book that i want to make absolutely perfect. (okay, i want that for my whole book, but exspecially on this part) the only thing is... um, i never had this happen to me and am know very little of all the emotions. so after reading every book i had that had a scene like this, i attempted this scene. this scene is a very emotional, or at least i'm trying to make it that. here it is...

Quote:

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“You’ll come with me right!”

Kioshi didn’t reply.

“Kioshi! You can’t leave me!” she cried, clutching onto his arm.

“I have to.” he replied tenderly stroking her cheek, brushing away a single tear.

Part of the tunnel began to fill with a pale blue light...

“But,” she started to say. For a moment their eyes met and he searched hers as if making sure of something. She suddenly realized how close they were and her senses became hyped, “but...”

Her words were lost as she closed her eyes when he rested his hand on her chin. He leaned forward, their lips meeting softly. At that moment when his lips touched hers, she felt her soul soar above the caverns ceiling and into an unknown abyss of emotions, her thoughts confused and lost within what she had known. Tenderly, he slipped his other hand that had been in Auni's grasp and wrapped it around her. Holding her securely, he angled his head to one side. His jaw was strong and steady. His lips firm and gentle.

The light in the tunnel grew till it washed away all signs of the wall. Unwillingly, Auni's tight grip on Kioshi began to loosen . Theirs lips separated and she tried to keep hold of him as she felt herself being pulled away by an invisible, unrelenting force. Two tears burned deep into Kioshi's cheek as he desperately held on.

"Don't let me go!" Auni cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked up at him and saw that he was fading, "Kioshi!" she screamed, "I'll never be able to see you again!"

"It might not be forever," he whispered, a comforting but painful look appeared in his eyes. He stroke her cheek and she placed her hand on his, but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel him anymore and then she couldn't see him.

Tirelessly, she fought with all her will and strength against the force, but to no avail. Kioshi was no longer there- lost within the surroundings.

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sorry it's so long. but what do you think of it? what should be changed? thnx for whatever comments you have!

it's okay but the 'moment' sounds a bit cliche.

Great job so far :) My only thing that I could say would be to make it a little more descriptive, like at the start where they're talking, just to increase the emotion/tension a little, for instance:

Quote:

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“Kioshi! You can’t leave me!” she cried, clutching onto his arm.

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Like just to add on to that, because "clutching onto his arm" is kind of boring, it could be a bit more (I've completely lost the word I was looking for...) like, powerful. I hope you understand what I'm saying!! :)

Sadly I'm not all that much of a writer so I'm probably not all that much help... But I know someone who is, so I'll try to get him to take a look and see what he thinks :)

My other thought is where is the focus in this? Is it meant to be on Kioshi and Auni's seperation or the kiss? Because right now there's more of a focus on the kiss than when Kioshi and Auni are taken away from each other, so I'd suggest maybe adding a little more description and emotion into when they are seperated. (Unless you were intending a bigger focus on the kiss)

You say you've never had this happen to you... Have you tried emotion memory? Where you use a similar event and emotion? Was there not one instance in your life where a toy was taken away from you, a friend taken away from you by another friend, or a family member moved away? It's not exactly the same but you can still use the feeling of loss and the sadness that accompanies it, as well as the worry of not seeing them again, and depending on how realistic you want to get, the hope that remains for when you do get to see them again.

ei can i ask something? its very important for me coz my proffesor gave us a project..how to post a question in this site> . .?

sprinks... ah, i wasn't talking about being seperated from someone, i was talking about being kissed. lol...

hmmm... i guess i should try and focus more on the seperation, for does take a big impact on her later. anymore comments? :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shurtugal

sprinks... ah, i wasn't talking about being seperated from someone, i was talking about being kissed. lol...

hmmm... i guess i should try and focus more on the seperation, for does take a big impact on her later. anymore comments? :D

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Oh right, sorry!! :lol: my mind is all over the place right now, I'm rushing so much that I only wrote half of what I was thinking about it, lol... Anyhow I think you might still be able to use that theory... somehow... actually my mind has just blanked again. Trying to think of a similar emotion to what she would be feeling during the kiss and I can't think of it now! :rolleyes: You did really well though especially with not really having much knowledge about it :)

thank you!

I guess that the first line should read "You'll come with me, right?"
Even if she's talking with strong emotion, use the right punctuation. Make her emphasis clear by describing how she talks. Like,

"You'll come with me, right?" she cried desperately.
I think the emotional impact's pretty strong, even though the reader doesn't have much background story about the two people. (strong in a good way).

here's an update on the thing....

Quote:

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“You’ll come with me right!” she cried desperately.

Kioshi didn’t reply.

“Kioshi! You can’t leave me!” she cried, clutching onto his arm.

“I have to.” he replied tenderly stroking her cheek, brushing away a single tear.

Part of the tunnel began to fill with a pale blue light...

“But,” she started to say. For a instant their eyes met and he searched hers as if making sure of something. She suddenly realized how close they were and her senses became hyped, “but...”

Her words were lost when he rested his hand on her chin. He leaned forward, their lips meeting softly. At that moment when his lips touched hers, she felt her soul soar above the caverns ceiling and into an unknown abyss of emotions, her thoughts confused and lost within what she had known. Tenderly, he slipped his other hand that had been in Auni's grasp and wrapped it around her. Holding her securely, he angled his head to one side so that he may kiss her more deeply. His jaw was strong and steady. His lips firm and gentle.

The light in the tunnel grew till it washed away all signs of the wall. Unwillingly, Auni's tight grip on Kioshi began to loosen. Theirs lips separated and she tried to keep hold of him as she felt herself being pulled away by an invisible, unrelenting force. Two tears burned deep into Kioshi's cheek as he frantically held on. Every barrier Kioshi had ever held against her to hide his emotions had fallen and she saw clearly into his anguished soul. Her own soul felt like it was splitting apart, being called one way but being dragged another. In that simple kiss, she had been opened to a world she had never believed in. She had seen how in her deepest sorrows, Kioshi had always been there. But nothing seemed to be able to hold them together not even her desperate hold.

"Don't let me go!" Auni cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. As she looked at him and saw that he was fading, "Kioshi!" she screamed.

"I don't want to," he whispered, a comforting but heartbreaking expression appeared in his eyes.

"I won't see ever see you again!" she wept.

"It might not be forever..." He stroked her cheek and she placed her hand on his, but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel him anymore and then she couldn't see him.

Tirelessly, she fought with all her will and strength against the force, but to no avail. Kioshi was no longer there- lost within the surroundings.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shurtugal

here's an update on the thing....

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Much better! :)