Planet Mole: Introduction

Planet Mole

Introduction

The boy didn’t find the coin, the coin found him. It was the perfect way to be found. If it had been a sunny day, the boy would be enjoying the weather far too much and would have ignored the mysterious object. If it had been snowing, the coin would have been covered to show itself to no one.
It chose to come on a rainy day, the perfect day. There it sat, in the middle of the sidewalk. The boy slowly got off at his bus stop and put his hood up and his hands sunk into his sweat shirt pockets. Slowly, he walked up the hill on this dismal day, staring at his feet. He counted his steps since he had nothing better to do on a day like today. One, two, three…seven, eight. He continued on counting until he stopped at none other but his 37th step. There on the ground, next to his left sneaker sat the coin. He reached down and picked it up. The metal was faded, rusted, and all together tarnished. Something was written on the front. The boy tried to make it out but couldn’t see through the rust or rain that still poured down upon him. He put the coin deep in his pocket and noticed himself walking a bit faster. He reached the top of the hill, which was where his house was. He unlocked the front door with the spare key that sat under the doormat and walked inside.
The house was quiet and untouched. No one was home. The only noises were the boy’s squeaky shoes pressing against the hardwood floor and the tapping of rain against the window. He set his wet backpack down gently in the laundry room and slowly plugged the sink up. He ran some warm water into it and added dish detergent. Then, he dropped the coin in to clean off. As the coin sat in the water, the boy undressed into some dry clothes.
Once finished, he reached into the water and pulled the coin to the surface. His eyes were suddenly shocked. It wasn’t the same coin, it couldn’t be. His coin was rusty and worn and dirty. This coin was shiny and looked like it had been kept in a glass casing for ages. The boy felt the coin with his dry fingers. He felt the ridges and the letters on the front. He then gazed into the sink of water. It didn’t look dirty at all. Bubbles sat on the top.
“Wow,” he whispered to himself. What was this thing? He held it up to the light so he could read the message that was encrypted on the front.
“”
It was in another language, one the boy had never seen. What could it mean? Whose was it? Little did he know that the coin was his. It was his destiny.

Nicely written for an introduction (I assume) to a longer story. I do have some thoughts.

- It is stated that "As the coin sat in the water, the boy undressed into some dry clothes." Unless you are making a statement about the rightful condition of nudity, or suggesting that the boy has special powers, it is unlikely that the boy undressed into dry clothes. It is much more likely that he "changed" into some dry clothes.

- Likewise, unless water behaves differently in this world, it seems unlikely that "The boy felt the coin with his dry fingers," especially after reading into the tub of warm water to retrieve the coin in the first place.

- "Bubbles sat on the top" seems to be an unnecessary sentence and detracts from the action.

- This is a personal opinion, but it really irritates me when writers leave a section with questions, then an omniscient statement about the story's future. That's just me, though.

- In your first six sentences, the word "day" is used five times. I was alerted to this when I read through it the first time - the repetitious use stuck out to me. Then, I went back and counted and found that I was right. I suggest working a little to eliminate the word a little more. Also, I think you could probably try to subtly get the contrast between the "miserable" day and the special day that it's turning into be.

- It might be worth your time to identify your audience. Is this an adult story or a story meant for teens? Pre-teens? Children? It has everything to do with the story's future.

I'm interested to see where you're taking this story, however. ^_^

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I am glad you like the intro and I will definetly take your advice for most of the things you addressed

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"Bubbles sat on the top" seems to be an unnecessary sentence and detracts from the action

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I don't know, I think it is just trying to make sense of the "miracle", for lack of a better word, that happened to the coin. Although, I do see what you mean, it does sound like it was just thrown in there.

Yeah, the day thing got to me to right in the beginning, just try to work that out, although if it is a children's book, repetition probably isn't such a bad thing.

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This is a personal opinion, but it really irritates me when writers leave a section with questions, then an omniscient statement about the story's future. That's just me, though.

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Bugs you in a "God! Now I have to read on" sort of way, or bugs you like an annoying habit? Just curious.:) I personally like this "technique" because I always get trapped into reading the book, although if it's done a lot, I become "immune" to it.

Again, unless it was a children's book, the first couple of sentences really bugged me because they were almost shoving that fact that this day was miraculous into my face. Other than that, I did really find it interesting, and want to know what happens next.

Bugs me in an annoying habit sort of way. Please don't take this as an insult to Danielle, but it's always struck me as a cheap trick to build suspense quickly. You're right, a lot of authors use it, but it bugs me each time. That's why I'm honest with the fact that it's a personal preference. I just feel there are better, more subtle, sophisticated ways to create suspense and a hook. ^_^

You got me there. I like "hiff clingers" in books, as it shows in some of my writing techiniques, but yeah, I see what you mean. Still, depends on the audience (i.e. adult, child, etc.).

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"hiff clingers"

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Hahahahaha.:lol: :lol: I must be getting more tired than I thought. I can't believe I acutally typed that!:lol: I'm gonna go take a break...

What I meant was "cliff hangers".

Indeed. Audience is very important, especially with stories like this. That doesn't, of course, mean that only that audience will enjoy the story (see Harry Potter for one who transcended audience barriers) but it does help define the story and its structure.

It's ok, we're all sleep deprived here. ^_^