These Hands Have Found A Home

I'm posting my contribution to the latest picture poetry contest to see if some of you want to comment on it.

http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/d...nds-766633.jpg

These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lath,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

I think this is really beautiful, Prince, especially those last three lines.

Your poem is so beautiful, Prince. It is one of my favorites here at LitNet.
It makes me think of my Mother's hands, although she was very young when we lost her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Granny5

Your poem is so beautiful, Prince. It is one of my favorites here at LitNet.
It makes me think of my Mother's hands, although she was very young when we lost her.

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Thank you so much, Granny, This means a very great deal to me as I am proud of this poem, although frankly I think it needs one more phrase, two beats, in the next to last line, to slow down the ending and to add a bit of weight to the disappointment of the disappearing hands.

I think you have put a beautiful poem to the picture, Prince. The ending was wonderful, summing it all up. :thumbs_up

I wouldn't say it needs anything, Jer, unless you want to add the lines. The poem reads very well like it is, and needs no extra polish to make it a masterpiece! :thumbs_up

you're picture/poem remind me of all the strong italian women on my mother's side that i never quite got to know. very beautiful....

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It is nice, Prince. A couple of places seem rough. I'm not sure how to read this: "of which the human heart is made/have failed her." [/QUOTE]
Oh, disregard this comment. For some reason I wasn't reading this right. It reads fine now that my head is clear. ;)

Oh I do like the newer version of the last stanza. Looks like a solid poem now. :)

edit: Oh Prince I lost my original comment. I had thought I had pressed "quote" just now but I had pressed "edit." I'm sorry i can't recover what I originally wrote.

Please let me know whether you prefer this as is:

These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lathe,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

or like this:

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, grow lax, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

Please let me know whether you prefer this as is:

These hands have found a home
in one another after plaster, lathe,
brick and the malleable stuff
of which the human heart is made
have failed her.

We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

or like this:

The hands that held us, warm
and safe, grow lax, let go, until we fall, at last,
into our own hands’ clasp.

---

I think the original version is fine, I'm not sure the addition of 'grow lax' adds a great deal. I like the sense, in the original, of an abrupt shift from being held to being alone, it is intense yet quiet and final. Whilst 'grow lax' makes this more gradual, as a personal preference, I like the intensity of the original.

By the way, it is a lovely poem Jerry, it has your ever assured tone yet I detect a sad reflection, loneliness, and the sense that this is a state whilst fought against, is a fight which can't be won.

Oh Prince, i made a mistake in my original post. I wanted to quote myself because I now read that last sentence of the first stanza better, but I actually hit edit rather than quote. Now I can't recover what I originally posted. I made a mess. But look at my original post above and you''ll see my revised thought. Sorry for the confusion.

The new one gives a three beat ending, Jer, but again, unless you absolutely want it there the poem doesn't need it. You write from such a strong sense of combined emotions that they all come through in your poems, you show and don't tell with your wording.

I can't see anyone reading one of your poems and not becoming caught up the the words. Hasn't almost every poet on here been inspired to add lines to your poetry? Isn't that because they were so caught up in the moment of reading that they just had to continue? Perhaps, mon ami, the poem is perfect, oui?

Pen

This is so powerful poem Prince and the picture adds more power to this poem.

Quote:

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We go from hand to hand
seeking comfort and refuge
in love, in comradeship, in the hands
of the Creator but, one by one,
each refuge crumbles or is sacked.

---

Wow, I liked that Prince. Great work. Very nice work and keep up your great work. :thumbs_up

From the opening line

These hands have found a home
in one another

I enjoyed it.

I'm not a critic, I can't critique because I'm not a poet, but this made me rather sad and contemplative.