Review my Problem/Solution paper!

Hey guys, I would love if you guys could review my paper for me. It's a problem/solution paper that I'm currently working on in English 4. I would definitely appreciate the input guys. Thank You! It's not fully done yet. I just want to know what you guys think. Agian, Thank You! Also, if its possible, can you help me think of a clever title for this piece?

The problem affects my ability to work with my fellow co-workers. I work at McDonald’s, and when the manager crosses the threshold, everyone is on top of their behavior not even one single outburst can be heard. But, when the manager leaves the building, the real commotion kicks in and it sounds like it’s a party that’s about to come to pass. It affects my ability to work at a standard level with ease. Eventually, with amount of work and dedication to keep things at peace, the restaurant will be in the shape that it has always been and always be in which they were at one time before these individuals started to work here.

The problem, in which I stated in the above paragraph, is caused by the absence of authority that is in charge. When the manager or of higher authority steps out or leaves, some of the co-workers refuse to do their work or cause a disturbance` that is so loud or disruptive, it keeps some of the people; including myself, from being able to finish the task at hand. Some of them decide that since the manager is gone, they are free to do whatever they please or do nothing at all. This ongoing problem is been occurring ever since I started working at the restaurant and it’s very frustrating to know that you have to work and that they don’t have to do a single thing. The consequences of failing to solve this absurd problem will have a long time effect in life as well; beyond just working at one single place it can and will follow them wherever or whenever they decide to work at another place at another time. Another consequence this could have on the crew, is that if it keeps going on as it is, it would make the workers feel like they have been treating horribly and even used. It will cause some of them to leave and have the rest of their responsibility on the others knowing that they will not finish their task at hand.

The solution that I’ve proposed for this predicament has no motivation to have them fired or displaced. Though, it might sound good to you, it will be hard to find another crew worker that would want to fill in the job or jobs that the displaced used to vacate. Instead, I have proposed a three-step problem that hopefully, ensures that things are back in order as they once have been in order.

Please, I really need a positive feedback.

"The problem affects my ability to work with my fellow co-workers. I work at McDonald’s, and when the manager crosses the threshold, everyone is on top of their behavior not even one single outburst can be heard."
I feel that ur 1st sentence, and 2nd sentence clash. even though they are related, you need a transition sentence, and I suggest edditng up the 1st sentence.

"It affects my ability to work at a standard level with ease." I know it seems kinda obvious but add a little bit on how it affects, just a FEW words, very simple but gets the point across. (then say why its bad, or maybe not w/e just givin an idea)


"the real commotion kicks in" actualy, try changing that to something like "then everyone's true face's are shown, and..."

"But, when the manager" !!!!!! need I say it, started the sentence with "But," and a comma!! lol =P




"the real commotion kicks in and it sounds like it’s a party that’s about to come to pass." ~~~that's about to come to pass~~ I think that part should be changed sumwhat, if anything, simply to 'about to erupt' or even 'start'


""Eventually, with amount of ~work and dedication~ ** to keep things at peace," change or get ride of the "eventually," and add *that is required* and change ~work and dedication~ to ~effort and persistence~


"that it has always been and always be in *which* they were at one time before these individuals started to work here." completely revise this sentence write here. ok to start with, "it has always been and always will be in" too many 'always', you can change it to always has, and will be"
*which* this word needs to G-O-! lol, you need to get ride of it, or add sum kinda "; : , ." things in there or sumtin man
"they were at one time before these individuals started to work here." you gotta "they" so wait what, read that and tell urself whats wrong with it.


"The problem, in which I stated in the above paragraph" should be at least, "The problem that was previously stated "


"is caused by the absence of authority *that is in charge.*" get ride of *that is in charge* just get ride of it, and maybe instead of caused, you can say, well ya jst leave that, or change it for another fancier word.


Ok well I gotta go atm, hope the help I've given u so far is useful. lemme know when this is due, kause ima kid 2, (as u can tell by how i type, i jst dont care for grammer when it aint needed, lol) but, do take into consideration of what Ive said up 2 this point. make sure 2 re-read all of ur stuff, kause u can probably notice stuff 2 edit. but if u want, Ill get back 2 the rest later.


P.S., Ya u made this thinking u was gona get help from these ppl didnt u? lol over 200views, and only ur comment, (not including mine) pretty helpful hu?