"Your Holiday Call is Important to Us"
Here's a little ditty I wrote just about this time last year.
“Thank you for calling Acme House Christmas and Holiday Ornaments Online. All of our representatives are currently speaking with other customers. Please hold until the next available operator can assist you. This call may be monitored for quality assurance – - as well as listening in on conversations between that brazen hussy in Accounting and that two-timing hound in Shipping.”
(Extended musical interlude featuring pre-recorded seasonal selections, such as “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” played by the Philharmonic String Ensemble.)
Some time later: “Good morning, Acme House Christmas and Holiday Ornament Online Customer Service Representative Lotta Hassle. May we have your account number, password, PIN number, and mother’s maiden name? One moment please while we pull up your account information. . . Oh, yes. Mr. Truelove. How may we help you today?
“Uh-huh. So that’s one partridge, one pear tree, two turtledoves, three
French hens and four calling birds. Mmmph. I'm sorry to tell you, Mr. Truelove, but the partridge is on the threatened list. You would need to put in a separate order in order to secure a government variance. I'll refer you to our Partridge liaison, Ms Shirley Jones. The pear trees are on back order, so we'll send you a nice Ficus to hold you over. The turtledoves are out of stock, but I can get Stan, Stan, the Maintenance Man to grab a couple pigeons outside the office window. We'll stick a couple of red bows on ‘em and nobody will know the diff. Now those hens, can they be French-Canadian? Because we can ship you a trio of really fine chicks from Montreal. The four calling birds are a quartet of really vocal crows from Schenectady. Will there be anything else today?
“Five, did you say? Okay. Five. Golden. Rings. Six geese a-laying and seven swans a swimming. No problem with the bling bling. How about a combo deal? We'll ship you a half-dozen goose eggs, and the swans, uh, come in the form of ugly ducklings. You just have to be patient. Will there be anything else today?
“Eight what? Gee, Mr. Truelove, you are one tough customer. But we're glad to have you, oh yes we are! Hoh-kay, eight maids a-milking. Just a quick e-mail to the International Dairymaids Union, it’s so udderly simple, although the cows are sold separately. Can we help you with anything else today? Wow! This is some kinda shopping list! Nine ladies dancing, is that right? Another teensy, tiny problema, Mr. T. This time of year, as you well know, the Rockettes are booked up the mistletoe, if you catch my drift. We could substitute nine dropouts from Miss Klutz’s School of the Dance, if that is satisfactory. Now, ten Lords a-leaping. Here at Acme we don’t really have any connection with the British Houses of Parliament, so -- Oh, I know! How about a selection of ten idols left over from the Survivor TV show? Just throw the box up in the air a few times while yelling ‘Oh, lord!’ Will that be all today?”
“I see. Eleven pipers piping. Good news! We can book eleven flutists from the East Hogwash High School Marching Band-- that is, if we can pull them away from their Wii consoles. And one dozen drummers. They don't have to be professionals, do they? I mean, we have a HUGE selection of wind-up monkeys who can bang on a plastic drum like Krupa.
“All righty then, let me read back the order to you: that’s twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a- swimming, six geese a-laying. Five. Gold. Rings. Also, you would like four calling birds, three French (Canadian) hens, two turtledoves, one partridge and one pear tree. Is that correct? Now I don't need to tell you, Mr. Truelove, that this is one tall order. And that the shipping time will take at least twelve days. On the upside, though, you can get it all for a song. “
“Well the same to you, Mr. Truelove. And thank you for shopping ACHOO!
“And God bless you, too!”
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