An Ashtray's Agony

Ok I want to start off by saying that my normal style of poetry is rhyming.
I'm trying to start doing some more modern stuff but I'm still learning. I don't know if this is even poetry so I'll just leave it up to you all to critique the crap out of if until I can MAKE it poetry. And give me some ideas on a better title if you would like. Anyways, here goes...

An Ashtray's Agony

Every insult
she threw my way
was as fiery
as each cigarette drag that
followed. The ashtray
also felt her wrath,
as each arrogant puff ended
with a flick of ashy
anger into its depths. The blackness
spread within us as her
onslaught continued, until
the final, heart-searing
blow was delivered as she
walked out of my life.

I looked at the ashtray
with the butt
smoldering in its center -
and I knew its pain.

Ok, nobody replied to this poem when I posted it but I'm going to go ahead and reply with a revision. Which revision is better?


An Ashtray's Agony

Each insult
she threw my way
was fiery -
like each cigarette drag
that followed. Each
arrogant puff ending
with a flick of ash
into the ashtrays depths.

The blackness spread within us
as her tirade continued, until
the final,
heart-searing blow
was delivered by the slamming door.

I looked at the ashtray;
the butt smouldering in its center,
and I knew its pain.

Well, Xillus, I am no expert on modern poetry, but the way the first two verses read (in your Second Version) are merely thoughts. In modern poetry, the thought is often disguised by other means, so that the reader is left wondering exactly what is going on.

Or something like that.... [Jon, PrinceM, HELP!! ] :(

But the "heart-searing blow delivered by the slamming door" was good, I liked that thought. And the last verse was quite good in my opinion.

Anyhow, you keep on writing, Xillus, I have a looooong way to go myself, but there are definitely some really good poets here, and we can all learn something! Poke around and you'll see! ;) Cheers, Kizzo :)