My first poem on litnet

Hi... this is my first time to post a poem on litnet... now that I owe my trust to this forums, I just hope nothing bad happens to it... :p I'm actually planning to submit this long freeverse poem to our school's literary journal, though I don't know if it's good enough yet, and for this reason I am so in need of your comments. The title is tentative, and if you have any suggestions on how to title it, please feel free to post them here. I would really appreciate you giving some of your time to read through it and leaving behind your reactions. Thank you so much. :)

I love it! it is fantastic. i love the way you express it.... It is really great!
write on!
(how old are you btw?)

Wow, that was long, Kit. I like it! (That rhymes :lol:) Anways, nice work here, mate. Congrats!

It is very strong and sincere - but much much too long!

You could break at

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while kissing these desperate thoughts adieu.

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and then skip to the good strong final 3 or 4 lines...

Once you have said, in effect, I really really love you, elaborating on that with additional examples takes away from the force of the first time you said it.

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Originally Posted by Pretty^Athens

I love it! it is fantastic. i love the way you express it.... It is really great!
write on!
(how old are you btw?)

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Pretty^Athens! :D thanks a lot. Btw, (age here). You'll see it as you scroll through the thread, I wouldn't like to make it too obvious as I believe it might make people partial towards my work :D :D :D

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Originally Posted by Gadget Girl

Wow, that was long, Kit. I like it! Congrats! (That rhymes :lol:) Anways, nice work here, mate.

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Whoa! Gadget Girl is here! :banana: Haha, thank you so much. Did you recognize the hidden message formed by the starting letters of the lines that had no indent? ;)

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

It is very strong and sincere - but much much too long!

You could break at



and then skip to the good strong final 3 or 4 lines...

Once you have said, in effect, I really really love you, elaborating on that with additional examples takes away from the force of the first time you said it.

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Thank you so much, Prince. Indeed, many people have criticized my works the same way, and I am trying my best to cut the length of my poems. I shall try to do the same to this one. ;)

Wow.
You're thirteen and wrote this?
Very impressive vocabulary and poetic skill for someone so young.

Hehe. Yep. :blush:
I simply love writing poems. I believe they are great outlets for one's most complex emotions. I wouldn't think my ability to write poetry is a talent, though. It's simply a fascination which I have been doing since I was two, and up to now I'm still experimenting with different styles.:p I have a classmate who writes really good poetry, too. He's 14 years old and has got a self-published novel. I've written two novels myself, the latest of which was completed when I was twelve, yet I can't seem to have them published considering that they are still in the process of editing (I can't seem to get some parts perfect) and I still lack funds...

May I delete the age that I posted now? ;)
Will it cause readers to become partial to my work? :)

hey Kit, nice poem!
I like these lines:

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For in the space between
you and me
exists some room for doubt.

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and

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Two glaciers, melting
in the presence of one another,
yet never for each other.
Transformed into bodies of water,
we run,
down the slopes where our paths first crossed.
I settle in a basin, too large, too deep,
where my surface finds its rest,
yet in my depths I feel the pressure,
inside, I bubble and churn,
knowing you are here,
never too far
but too shallow to know
the manner in which you dwell in me.

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Hehe. Thanks so much, Sleepy. I'm glad you liked it. ;)

I would like to hear some of your other comments too...

i love the whole poem, really.

and for your view of writing not as a talent but a mere fascination--interesting, really. i used to feel that way too (even when i was writing those crummy poems i beleive we all have to start with as writers) and expected that everyone else wrote as well. of course i learned soon enough that not everyone did.

i envy you(and everyone else here who has written a novel)--two novels? well, i guess i'm just not the type of writer who gets to accomplish novels. i don't think of long stories. i've written scripts for one act plays though, but that's about it.

hey there amanda! i've always thought you'd come round. ;) I'm Pinoy too, just like you. I've read some of the poems on your blog and loved them, too. I've always been fascinated with novels and have attempted to write them from the time I was seven, yet it was only when I turned ten that I finally was able to come up with a fairly good one. Like poetry writing, I take it as a fascination, not as a talent nor as an occupation. :) Perhaps you are more of a poet than a novelist. Still, keep it up. :D We'll get to it soon before we even know it!

PS I love Pon and Zi too. I've somehow gotten the impression that you are into rock music. Is that right? :)

Uhm... would anyone else like to leave his/her comments... they will be very much appreciated... ;)