1st chapter of my book

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09-15-2007, 09:35 PM
Bakiryu

1st chapter of my book

Hullo, I need some constructive criticism. Can you please read this draft (it's really short) and comment. Pretty please?

Her first memory of that day was being caught in the rain. Drizzling rain. Cursing rain. Loved and hated rain. It was her one and only memory. She was eight years old.
It had rained for months, flooding the plains and destroying the huts. The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn and the corn drooped in defeat.

The road was deserted, it had been for ages, living so far away from the city. The only cover from the heavenly assault was the forest, menacing at night through a child's eyes.
She ran, eyes closed until no droplets touched her face.
Opening her eyes she saw a cave, dark, empty but above all: dry. She fell grateful into dreamless sleep.

*********************
"Oi! What's this?" Vada nosed.
Cien fluttered before coming down "Weird. Look at it, all hairless and smooth."
"I'm hairless!" Nami wailed.
"You're also blue," Vedra pointed out.
"No wait," he picked up a loose braid, "it does have hair!"
"What an odd color! Can I change it?"
"Can I poke it?"
"Nami calm down."

The faerie giggled as they danced round her, faster, faster, wingtips touching, double hearts beating faster. Until dawn they danced and the trees danced with then, the rain stopped falling and the sky turned the color of her eyes.
Until her lids started fluttering.
"Good Bye!" each one muttered as they left, kissing her on an exposed cheek.

*********************************

"Oh gods!" it was too late and her house was far.
Still, she ran all the way, braids bouncing on her back.
Thump. Thump. Thump. They drummed a pattern, music of curls and wrapped twine.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Feet on wet ground sang.

At last. Home.
She opened the door, grubby fingers and half-dry clothes.
Her mother was on the kitchen, she walked fast.
"I'm back!" her heavy backpack landed on the floor. thump.
Rai-da looked up, bread on hand.
"Oh gods!"
Thump.
"Your hair is silver! Maldita*."
Thump. Thump. Thump. Her heart beat.
And that was forever her name.

______________________________

*Maldita is the female verb for cursed in spanish
09-15-2007, 11:17 PM
BulletproofDork

Cool! I love the first part, because it's so descriptive;)
Gr8 job!
09-16-2007, 02:47 AM
Lote-Tree

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bakiryu

Her first memory of that day was being caught in the rain. Drizzling rain. Cursing rain. Loved and hated rain. It was her one and only memory. She was eight years old.
It had rained for months, flooding the plains and destroying the huts. The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn and the corn drooped in defeat.

The road was deserted, it had been for ages, living so far away from the city. The only cover from the heavenly assault was the forest, menacing at night through a child's eyes.
She ran, eyes closed until no droplets touched her face.
Opening her eyes she saw a cave, dark, empty but above all: dry. She fell grateful into dreamless sleep.

This is very lyrical. I loved it! Bueno Bakiryu :D

There is nothing to crititicise on this :D
09-16-2007, 10:39 AM
Bakiryu

Thanks lote! :blush: It's still on draft form so it'll probably end up taking about 20 or so more pages.
09-16-2007, 10:56 AM
Lote-Tree

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bakiryu

Thanks lote! :blush: It's still on draft form so it'll probably end up taking about 20 or so more pages.

Look forward to reading it :D

But tell me are other exerpts connected with the first story?

It was not clear to me...
09-16-2007, 11:12 AM
Bakiryu

huh? It's written in parts if that's what you mean.
10-10-2007, 01:53 AM
RoCKiTcZa

...please see next post. Sorry for the inconvenience!!!
10-10-2007, 01:54 AM
RoCKiTcZa

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bakiryu

*Maldita is the female verb for cursed in spanish[/COLOR][/SIZE]

Yeah I know this one. Got any Hispanic ancestry?
10-10-2007, 08:20 AM
Bakiryu

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoCKiTcZa

Yeah I know this one. Got any Hispanic ancestry?

yeah, born cuban and raised there :p
10-17-2007, 12:37 AM
RoCKiTcZa

just a question, i don't mean to offend anyone... do you happen to be familiar with the parts of a short story, particularly the Internal & External plot? Knowledge of this aspect would help you a lot on your writing, I believe. :)
10-17-2007, 02:38 AM
cactus

Hi Bakiryu,

I like it! It sounds very interesting...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bakiryu

[COLOR="Black"][SIZE="5"]Her first memory of that day was being caught in the rain. Drizzling rain. Cursing rain. Loved and hated rain. It was her one and only memory. She was eight years old.
It had rained for months, flooding the plains and destroying the huts. The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn and the corn drooped in defeat.

Now just being a bit of a nitty-picker.. the last line in the above passage "The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn" do you mean to say the guava trees are "bare", "barren" because "empty" doesn't seem... fitting....
10-18-2007, 03:11 PM
Captain Pike

The hyper-spatial jumps make it difficult for me to discern the protagonist and any predicament she may be in. Something seems wrong about a cave being dry; maybe something like "even the dampness of a cave seemed dry as a desert once out of the torrent". But very interesting, keep writing!

-- Phil
10-18-2007, 03:27 PM
Bakiryu

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoCKiTcZa

just a question, i don't mean to offend anyone... do you happen to be familiar with the parts of a short story, particularly the Internal & External plot? Knowledge of this aspect would help you a lot on your writing, I believe. :)

Yeah, I know the parts of a short story. This is supposed to be the prologue of a book. You know, that first page that has to catch your attention.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cactus

Now just being a bit of a nitty-picker.. the last line in the above passage "The guava trees on the patio were empty and forlorn" do you mean to say the guava trees are "bare", "barren" because "empty" doesn't seem... fitting....

Well, I meant it in the senso of being fruitless and leafless, but still i have to edit a lot.

Thank you
10-26-2007, 05:43 PM
adampearson

I really like the opening but when I found out we were talking about a fairy, in the dialogue portion, I was a little taken aback. Then, just like that, the fairy is gone. If the story is about a girl's/girls' experience with a fairy, I would recommend easing more smoothly in and out of her first appearence, so that guys like me don't say "Is this really about a fairy?" and then stop reading.
11-26-2012, 10:04 PM
xtianfriborg13

Nice! I wish you'll also publish here the next chapters!