Sarah - A short story about living life to the fullest
She stood on the edge of the cliff alone.
She had a full life, she thought to herself. It was a difficult one but a fulfilling one. She has been terribly sad but also very happy. This is her favorite spot. Her husband always complained that she always looked like she was about to jump. She always laughed at him. She loved them all so much and she couldn’t bear making them sad. Watching her die slowly was not an option.
Feeling the wind tangling my hair and chilling my skin, I start thinking about this morning’s conversation at the doctor’s office. I knew the instant I walked in that he would not have good news for me. I remembered gazing at his sad face and thinking how young and handsome he was, while slowly sitting down in front of him. “I have some difficult news for you Ms Jacobs.” My heart started pounding. “I’m afraid the cancer has spread a lot further than we originally thought. There is nothing we can do.” “How long do I have?” I remember asking him softly. “6 months”. Well, I thought to myself this is not a fight I can win this time. I always knew in my gut when I started getting the headaches that something was very wrong. For the first time in my life this is a fight I cannot win. I smiled at him and thanked him for all his help. He started talking about treatments and other things but I simply told him “No, I want to go with some dignity. This would only prolong the inevitable”. I stood up and left. He looked distraught. I suppose it must be hard for doctors not to be able to do anything for their patients. I can understand that, my second husband always sometimes looked very melancholic when a patient he cared about died.
Leaving my children will be hard. They had been a blessing. Standing on the edge, listening to the waves crashing down below, my memories start flooding. Images pour in my mind. I am standing at the altar during my wedding to my high school sweetheart. My second wedding is taking place in the garden of the house behind me. I am giving birth to my four children. I am standing in front of the tiny coffin of my first born. I see all the wonderful things I have done in my life. I smile. I loved my life. It was full and exciting. I had so much fun. It was really quite the adventure.
I met my first husband in high school. He was quite the trouble maker but once you got to know him he had a gentle soul. He was definitely very intense but so exciting. Thinking of him, in his youth, still makes my blood rush faster and my heart pounding. One could say it was love at first sight. I remember, him standing in front of the class, being introduced by the teacher. He gazed at me and my heart skipped a bit. He had soulful, dangerous eyes. We dated all through high school and decided to get married straight after it. My parents did not approve and I never spoke to them again. I thought at the time sacrificing them for him was a good bargain. Now I know I was wrong. When I met them at my son’s funeral it was too late. I never saw them again. I still miss them. James was a good husband in the beginning. He tried really hard to make ends’ meet. We struggle for money but our first eight years together were fantastic. After three years being married to each other, I wanted a child and got pregnant. My son, Arthur, was beautiful. He had a delicate quality to him. James always said that he did not understand the boy. Their personalities were definitely quite different. James was wild. Arthur was always a thoughtful child, reading books and playing by himself. We lived happily for the next five years. Then, I think James started resenting his difficult life. We could never go anywhere and always struggled for money. He did not take orders easily and was often got fired because of his insolence. Things started to go wrong. We started fighting. Screaming at each other became a daily occurrence. We started hating each other but he never hit me. That is until my son died. I remember that morning so well. James decided to take Arthur fishing. I thought to myself that it would be good for them to spend some time together. Arthur did not want to go but he was always the obedient child. I waved them goodbye on the porch, watching them leave together. This was the last time I saw Arthur. He drowned on that very afternoon. James came back home dripping wet, tears flooding down his face. I knew then that my little boy was gone. Something broke in me. I don’t remember the next few weeks. I spent them curled into a ball under the sheets. I would barely get up to feed myself and slept constantly. James felt responsible and I did not try to convince him otherwise. My love for him was gone. All the fighting and screaming started again. One day, after an extreme fight, he hit me. I could not believe it. He had never done it before. Then he hit me again and again. He did not stop until I passed out, unconscious on the floor. The next day, I woke up in pain everywhere. I remember walking in the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror. At that moment I knew it could not go on. I went to the police and had James charged. I wanted to move on with my life and got a divorce. I never saw him again.
After those dark times, I decided it was time for a change. I went back to college, studying nursing, supporting myself by working par time. It was hard but holding my degree in my hands I felt I accomplished something with myself. I could finally think about Arthur without wanting to join him. Living became fun once more. I got a job working in a hospital and loved every minute of it. I lived alone and thought I was going to for the rest of my life. It’s not that I did not want to love again, it’s just I thought I was incapable of opening my heart again. I met Duncan at the hospital. I have been working there for a year when I met him. The first time I saw him I thought he was some arrogant hot shot who thought he knew it all. It was definitely not love at first sight. I thought he was cocky and he loved teasing me. Our daily tiffs became friendship and friendship turned into love. When he asked me to marry him I said yes .He bought me a beautiful house overlooking the ocean on the edge of a cliff. He said, when he saw it, he thought the house reflected my personality. The next few years were very happy. We had three beautiful children together. Our family was very joyful. My children all had really interesting personalities. Lily, our first born, was wild and eccentric. She studied art in college and became a famous painter. Daniel, like his father, became a doctor. Not a surgeon like Duncan but a general practitioner. He likes traveling overseas to countries in need of his skills. I am so very proud of him. Finally our last born, Mitchell, reminds me in many ways of Arthur. They had very similar personalities as children and now Mitchell is a writer. He lives by himself and is always stuck to his computer or reading a book.
Duncan left us a few years ago. He was hit by a drunk driver one late night. My grief for him was a deep as for Arthur’s. It took my three children’s strength to get through it but once again I survived. I battled with myself, quit my job and traveled overseas for years. I wanted to see the world. I visited exciting countries and saw wonderful things. Duncan left me plenty of money so I did not need to work any more.
After a while, I missed my children and came back home. Traveling made me feel tired and thought I was getting old. Our children started having children of their own and now my time is spent taking care of my grand children. Their joyful screams and running around gave me a new strength and I felt young again. That is until today. This morning I woke up, like always ready to face new challenges, full of energy. Tonight, I am tired of fighting. The years have finally caught up with me. One cannot be young forever.
Now I am standing on the edge looking at the lighthouse guiding the ships to shore. Remembering my life has been fun. I feel complete and serene. I have not told my children about the disease but they will understand. They always understood me. I am really lucky to have created those interesting personalities. I always thought that I had definitely contributed to the world by giving birth to them.
She turns around one last time and gazes at the house standing behind her. Music and laughter from it feels the windy night. She holds up her hand and waves a slow goodbye, smiling. She turns around, walks slowly and throws herself into the darkness.
