Untitled at the moment...Criticism Welcome

This is the first chapter of a story that I'm beginning. I had decided to stop any efforts of Jump Awry and begin again. So fat this is what I've ended up with. It isn't like my original story in anything but the loosest sense of the word. Any suggestions are welcome, and I have no title yet, so any ideas will be appreciated. The formatting is a bit off since I just copy and paste. I hope everyone enjoys, and I will be adding more chapters periodically as I write them.

Megan

Chapter 1

Arabella surveyed her appearance in the mirror as she began to tuck one last curl into the tight knot at the back of her head. She was a lovely girl with black hair that cascaded to her waist in curls when left unbound. She had a heart shaped face with a pert nose, but her lips were just a little too full for her face to be truly stunning. The most unique thing about her appearance was the large aquamarine eyes that stared out at you as if they could look right to your soul. Without such unique eyes, fringed by thick black lashes Arabella would have been merely attractive, but those eyes made anyone who looked upon her think she was a great beauty.

With her hair firmly secured Arabella turned to collect her travel bag. As she did so it was impossible to miss the bareness of the room. Not three days before the room had been filled with ornate furniture and tokens of her life. Now, the large canopy bed that had been draped in silk the color of the night sky had been tucked away in a storage unit with all her other worldly belongings to await her return. The few personal items of importance, like the picture of her mother, sister, and niece were already stowed aboard the shuttle so as not to be forgotten at departure.

This would be Arabella’s last journey the duration of which was expected to last six months. The company for which she worked had made it possible for an early retirement at the very young age of thirty. It helped that the last twelve years of Arabella’s life had been devoted to the design and manufacture of spacecraft that were at the leading edge of technology. Not only was Arabella a gifted engineer, but she was also well skilled in the programming of onboard computers as well as piloting deep-space craft. Today was actually the final step in the design process for the newest Ara space craft, a line fully engineered and tested by Arabella. The newest model was the Ara X. The craft was capable of reaching the closest galaxy in only a single week. Other spacecraft models required at least a month to travel the same distance. Arabella had managed to cut the time that it would take to make the same journey by devising a way to actually create small tunnels through space. The Ara X would actually move through a series of these tunnels, from one visible landmark to another at four times the speed the shuttle would normally fly. In laboratory tests the technology had been perfected and now all that was left to do is test the working equipment in the spacecraft.

Without a backward glance, Arabella walked out the door to a waiting cab. There was a nervous energy about her as she instructed the driver to take her to the Orion Station. The Orion Station was the main hub for space travel in the area and it was from there that she would be departing on her journey. She turned her head to the window of the cab and proceeded to watch the passing skyline. It crossed her mind that it was going to be quite a long period of time before she returned to her home in Miami, Florida. She might as well look her fill before boarding the Ara X so that there are no lingering thoughts or regrets that she didn’t look at the city one last time before leaving. Miami had been her home for the past seven years, ever since she left home and joined the ranks of prodigies at VegaTech.

VegaTech was the leading firm in the research and design of deep space shuttles that carried between one and six passengers. In the recent years it had become increasingly popular for small research groups and wealthy families to use such shuttlecrafts to travel for both study and pleasure. The appeal of such small craft for the science community was that it was now unnecessary to spent large sums of money on using the more traditional large deep space shuttles that often carried a few hundred people at a single time. To rent, or even purchase one of these large shuttles for scientific use made conducting any deep space research impossible because of the high costs associated with the project, but the smaller and more affordable shuttles of VegaTech had made such undertakings not only possible but common. The space crafts were also quite popular with wealthy families who could afford to pay the asking price of $20 million. They often used them to shuttle between off-planet work sites or to take family vacations to locations outside of the solar system.

For Arabella, VegaTech had been her life for the last decade or so. She basically lived at her office in the four story VegaTech offices in downtown Miami. Most days found her there by 6 a.m. and often she didn’t leave work until close to midnight, which was if she left work at all and didn’t catch a few hours of sleep on the plush sofa that was also in her office. She had joined the company shortly after reaching her eighteenth year. The company had been fairly unknown at the time, but they were acquiring prodigies, the best and the brightest in key fields like aeronautical engineering and astrophysics. VegaTech had a vision, to be the first company to design and perfect a small, affordable, lightweight shuttle capable of deep space travel. Arabella had been part of the first design team to create the first shuttle VegaTech released, the Vega Flier. In the subsequent years the company had quickly carved out their place in the space shuttle industry and was now the industry leader in small shuttles. The craft had changed over the years but each new shuttle still gave Arabella the same thrill as that first craft. Now, to have her own line of shuttles that she had been designing and testing for the past four years, that had been a true fulfillment of dreams. The company had always been very generous with their employees, since many of them had been with VegaTech at the start of their success, but in Arabella’s case they had given her a ten percent share in the profits from the Ara line. They had never imagined that she would be able to make the line the flagship line of the company and one of the most successful shuttlecraft lines in history.

The cab reached the Orion Station and slowed to a stop. Arabella quit with her perusal of the skyline and paid the cabby. She exited the car and entered into the station. A magnificent domed room of glass greeted her, from which she was able to see departing shuttles as they blasted into the heavens. The launch pad for VegaTech was in its own private area of the station and Arabella immediately proceeded to the dock. It was a long walk, but it was one that Arabella savored knowing that this would be her last adventure. Well, maybe it wouldn’t be her last adventure since as part of her retirement she had been promised to always have one of VegaTech’s shuttles available for her personal use, but it would be the last time that she was testing a shuttle and technology designed solely by her. It was always such a thrill to see your dream come into being and be in the thick of the events when it occurred.
“Arabella, it is good to see you. Are you ready to make history?” greeted the man at the door. This was Vern, the founder of VegaTech and the man who was more a father to her than the man who sired her. Vern was 6’5’’ with a shaved head and tattoos covering his arms. He looked as if he spent every day of his life in the gym, but anyone who knew him well was both aware that this wasn’t the case. He was one of the few people who just remained thin no matter what he put into his body. Most nights found both Vern and Arabella at the office eating fast food and talking of the latest project. In his mid forties Vern had no family and had devoted his life to building his company. All of his employees were had chosen by him, and many of them were close friends as well. When she first began to work for VegaTech, Arabella had been intimidated by Vern, but she quickly learned to consider him one of her closest and most trusted friends. For Vern’s part, he had never shown anything but kindness to Arabella and he treated her more like a daughter than an employee though he wasn’t really that much older than her.

“Is it history that we are making today,” Arabella said with a broad smile and a kiss on Vern’s cheek, “I thought we were here to make money.” She was well aware that it wasn’t money that drove Vern. He had more than enough to live richly for the rest of his days. Vern was driven by the challenge, much like herself, to always go one step further and be the best. For her teasing Arabella received a small chuckle and a big bear hug.

“You know I don’t need the money imp. Let’s get this show moving so I can try to talk you into staying when you get back. I hate to let someone so talented go when they have so much left to give. Plus, who will take care of me when you are gone?”

“Now, we’ve been through this. I’m not staying, but we will still see plenty of each other. In fact, you will likely see more of me that what you wish to.”

With a smile they moved through the door and crossed the bay arm in arm to survey the Ara X. She was about sixty feet in length and made of honeycombed titanium. The honeycomb sandwiched between two quarter inch titanium sheets made the hull of the craft one of the strongest in the market. Inside there was a small kitchen, bathing area, and berthing for up to four passengers. There was also a cockpit that contained four seats behind a reinforced glass window which allowed for a full 360 degree view. The engine in back looked much like the one you would find on a fighter jet, but there were some important differences in the design. Fighter jets needed to carry their fuel onboard, but the Ara X craft relied on fusion as its power source. The craft also used beams of radiation to create the tunnels that the craft would travel through. By agitating the particles along a stream they had discovered that it was possible to move much more quickly through them. They believed that the unnaturally high degree of agitation actually created pockets where time and space behaved differently than they would under normal circumstances. In short, the relationship between the two was altered so that one could move a greater distance in the same unit of time. This invention is what the flight was all about. Arabella was to test the jump function of the craft and determine its ranges and limitations. They believed that it would only be useful if the object is within line of site, but they had never tested the line of site theory on the scale that it would experience in space. In the lab, line of site meant only a few feet or even a mile on one of their larger scale tests. In outer space, line of site meant possibly hundreds of light years and it was uncertain how effective the invention would be over such long distances.

Vern gave Arabella one last hug as she climbed into the Ara X, “You know you can still back out on this test if you want. We can do further lab tests to check the safety of the system before such a large scale test.” Vern’s worry was evident in the lines of his face. He was trying to look thrilled, but there was still some small worry that they had missed something in the design of the new system that would prove problematic in a true field test.

“Nothing we can do in the lab will ever tell us how the system behaves in space. Trust me; we’ve perfected it to the best of our abilities. All we need to do now is see how she will behave in the real environment. Don’t worry; I’ll be home before you know it. Six months of testing isn’t that long, and I’ve been on test voyages longer than that.” With a final wave, Arabella shut the hatch to the Ara X and began to buckle into the pilot seat.

I just finished the second chapter. It is a little rough around the edges so please offer any suggestions or comments. Even if it is just to say you like or hate the story, I would appreciate the feedback.
Thanks,
Meg

Chapter 2

The Ara X craft was truly a technological marvel. There was enough living space for all four passengers to be mostly comfortable on the flight. For Arabella, this was more than enough space. She already had her personal belongings stowed in the captain’s berth and now it was time to make sure that all the systems were ready and the food stores were loaded. There was enough food to last an entire nine months just in case anything malfunctioned and her trip was delayed. This was common practice with any of the test flights conducted by VegaTech. The control room of the ship was filled with blinking lights and gleaming metal consuls. There was a main computer that acted as the chief interface with the ship. The computer was controlled by voice and all that was necessary to receive information was to ask a simple question and in order to give commands you simply stated what you wanted accomplished. The exceptional thing about the computer was that there was a certain amount of free thinking done by the system. Along with being able to pilot the ship after being conditioned by Arabella, it was possible to converse with the computer as long as the topics were logical. Other systems on board included a defensive weapons system, communications, long range tracking, environmental analysis, navigation, environmental controls for the ship, language recognition, and the newly developed transport system.

“Computer, run a diagnostic check on all systems and tell me the status of food and water stores.” There was a soft hum as the computer began to process the tasks that it was given. A complete diagnostic check of all the systems would take about two minutes, so Arabella sat back to consider the voyage to come. This was to be a fairly routine test flight, but the distance that she would be covering was much larger than normal. On previous flights the range had been within the solar system, but this time she would be traveling all the way to Omega D.

Omega D was a small system discovered twenty years ago that was about ten fifty light years away from the edges of our solar system. There were four planets in Omega D and they were all hospitable. The inhabitants of the system were farmers and businessmen. Two of the planets were lush with vegetation, and they provided food for the entire system. The other two planets in the system were devoted to tourists. One was a planet made up of large oceans and a few small tropical islands. It was known throughout the galaxy for its blood red beaches, glass blue seas, and fantastic resorts. It was on of the most popular destinations for the rich and famous for some relaxation. The other planet was almost the exact opposite. It was still a popular place for tourists, but the planet was covered in ice and mountains. Furthest from the sun the temperature rarely reached above freezing and the mountains were perpetually blanketed in sheets of snow while vast icebergs filled frozen seas.

Arabella had good reason for convincing Vern to allow her to travel so far on a test flight. She would never be able to afford a stay at any of the resorts in the Omega D system, but as part of the voyage she had a scheduled three week break in the system on VegaTech’s expense account. It was good that Vern had a sense of humor, because all he did was chuckle when she had submitted her proposal for the test. It had actually been his idea to take three weeks of rest in the middle of the trip when Arabella had been content with a couple days worth of sightseeing in the system.

“If you are going to go so far, you might as well enjoy one last vacation on the company. Consider it repayment for all the late nights and for helping make us the success we are,” had been Vern’s reply to her protests that three weeks was too long.

The consul beeped to let Arabella know that the diagnostic was finished. She perused the report on the screen making sure that all systems had passed the diagnostic. Finding no problems with the report she also checked the inventory of supplies on last time to be sure that she had everything the trip required. When these tasks were completed she hailed Vern over the radio to let him know that she was ready to depart as soon as they received approval from the tower.

“Arabella, we have been given the go ahead for launch,” Vern replied after a moment of hesitation while he confirmed with the tower.

Arabella engaged thrusters, and in less than five minutes she was staring down at Earth from the inky darkness of space. No matter how many fights into space she conducted, the view of the planet from space still managed to leave her breathless. There was something exhilarating about being able to look down and really see just how small one single person is in the greatness of space. After a final glance at her surroundings, Arabella contacted Vern to let him know that she was engaging the experimental system.

“Systems are ready, and I will begin the jump in ten seconds. I expect that I will be out of contact for ten minutes as I make the first jump to Pluto.”

“Be careful Arabella, and contact me as soon as you arrive. Once we know the first jump was successful we will continue with testing until you have reached Omega D.”
Arabella began the sequence of buttons that would initiate the first jump and used the scanning system to lock in the location of Pluto.

“Five seconds,” the countdown continued. In the office Vern was wringing his hands and relying on only his force of will to keep his worry from projecting in his voice. Arabella was the closest thing he had to family, and no matter how many tests they did he always worried over new technology. The first jump to Pluto would let him know that continuing on would be safe and that he could expect Arabella’s return in six months. He was sad to see her leave the company, but he knew that she wasn’t leaving him just the job.
“Three, two, one, initiating sequence,” the final countdown drawled from the computer. Arabella closed her eyes, unsure of what to expect as the Ara X lurched forward into space at a speed that forced her against the seat. The force of the jump caused her to black out for what seemed to be only moments, but when Arabella opened her eyes it was not to the glorious sight of Pluto. All she saw was the black velvet of space with pinpoints of light emitted from far off stars. Immediately, Arabella ordered the computer to tell her the location.

“Location unknown,” came the reply in the same lilting voice one would tell you the weather. The information was like a tsunami crashing on the waves for Arabella. Something hadn’t worked properly and she was in an unknown part of the Universe. At the thought, Arabella began to lose all composure, because the Universe was immense in size, but everything within five-hundred light years of her own galaxy had been explored. The area being unknown meant that she may never find herself at home again. Her breath caught in her chest in tight, gasping, spurts of air. Her eyes, which only moments ago had held a look of joy and anticipation, overflowed with tears as she surveyed the area. When she was finally able to draw a deep breath, she was wracked with uncontrollable sobs. For the first time in her life she lost all control of her sanity and curled into a weeping ball on the floor of the Ara X.

Ok I just read chapter 1 and thought about it a bit. You are very good at description (in my not so knowledgeable opinion). You use words economically and make quick points. Would like to have a bit more about Arabella as a character and her motivations. What does she hope to do once retired--will her life be better, worse or just different.

More depth to why her company is so important to the world. Did not get a sense of wonder about her work--I mean this with respect.

Chapter 2 helped more with her motivations but still don't have a sense of the 'must' of her work and research. Approxiamely 18 years of her life has been invested and I get the sense she just on another milk run.

Which helped with the where's Pluto momemnt and I confess I did NOT expect her to fall apart with the impression I've had of her so far.

I hope you in no way take this as severity and a tear up job. It's not--I just anted to share the impressions received as a casual reader. I will never be able to write at the level of any posters here and will never presume to be more then attempting to be helpful.

Hope this helps. Rich

By the by--per you blog you are one busy lady and you do well I believe with your talents.