I Wish -- Comments may be very well accepted =)

I came up with this today, I hope it is of any good. Please do comment if you want so, for every little helps.
-----------------------
You've come into my life
beautiful
joyful
But you've left me in strife

If i could
Love I'd give
Life I'd continue to live
for you I would


But, Love
I cannot experience
existance
I am not a part of

I dream
I pray
I want to stay
Right, I do seem

I am what they say
sad
mad
I now lay

why
my dear soul
are you so foul
Sigh

I bear not see
my heart
my soul's depart
undone be

Dear soul, Forgive me
I have no confidence
no balance
I cannot let you be free

All I could do
is wish
or banish
For hate is all I save for you

Thus, I wish you be gone
far away
today
never to return

I wish you would dissappear
from my world
end, be gone, without any word
Never again appear
-----------------


:sick:

hmmm... i like it but almost wish for some more imagery to give a visual message to the poem. perhaps just me, very nice though

Well, I can't find anything particularly wrong with it, I'm just not a fan of minimalism, that's all. Needs more descriptive words. ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pendragon

Well, I can't find anything particularly wrong with it, I'm just not a fan of minimalism, that's all. Needs more descriptive words. ;)

---

Me neither, I never felt comfortable when i wrote that :/