Helpless Soul -- Comments accepted =)

Hey there, not that i am the best of writers, or even a good one lol just those lil comments will help me out alot, so please do so if u can =) ;)

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if all the smiles of today
decide to fade away
then where am i to be
far beyond being me

I lost the little sensations
I lost the little feelings
Left out, shattered
Broken, bewildererd

Deciding on one matter
being forced into another
being told to be smarter
by losing my own power

I feel like an animal
stuffed ina cage
Looked at as a cannibal
treated with rage

I feel out of order
blocked out of every odor
left out, shattered
Broken, bewildererd


I'm a soul
thats seeking peace
appears to be whole
but is a broken piece

Frozen and alone
lost with the tears
looking for a clone
but lost in its own fears

Tell me, what am I
if i was born
then what is there to try
without being torn

Why ask me if I'm doing well
when you made my life hell
Why surround me
When you desire my heart broken be

Left out, shattered
Broken, bewildererd
Left out, shattered
Broken, bewildered
-------------------------------

:bawling:

"Why ask me if I'm doing well
when you made my life hell"

don't you find that makes you feel so angry and crushed all at once? it does me . . .
liked the poem, a few lines leave me a bit lost, but that's on my part, I don't think it's b/c of your writing

Angelic Devil wrote;
"I feel out of order
blocked out of every odor
left out, shattered
Broken, bewildererd"

That's a very interesting stanza - odors connect memories and emotion and it's the first time I've read something like that - very insightful I thought!!

Keep writing!

Maybe juice it up a bit with a more consistent and snappy rhyme scheme. Otherwise youve got some nice sounding stanzas in there, particulary
I feel like an animal
stuffed ina cage
Looked at as a cannibal
treated with rage

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GimmyDiamond

"Why ask me if I'm doing well
when you made my life hell"

don't you find that makes you feel so angry and crushed all at once? it does me . . .
liked the poem, a few lines leave me a bit lost, but that's on my part, I don't think it's b/c of your writing

---

To be honest, me as well, i was thinkin of changing it but i forgot /blush.



Thanks guys, means alot to me =)

i like the fact that it offers no conclusion, so the reader is left thinking about the dilemma... nice...

I'll re-write it again, hopefully better, thanks.

Some lines have a rhyme scheme, some don't. You really need to decide which you are going to use. Otherwise, the imagery is very good, and you have a nice poem there. If it were up to me, I would change to all rhyme. The poem conjurors up nice images for the reader!

lol its funny to look back onto this and remember I hvn't fixed it yet. It has been two years or more since, I should get to this soon! The rhyming needs fixing true.. *goes back to work*