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like Russia she is; for all
a vast landscape of the mind,
hidden by forest and wall,
shuttered by curtain and blind.
like Russia, she is; such warmth
displayed by the cold people,
fairy-tales which darkly swarm
about bright bells in steeples.
like Russia, she is; distant
and yet close as a heart's beat,
faithful at the end, constant,
knowing grief but not defeat.
like the true Russia, respect
is what one feels if one knows;
one learns to love, circumspect,
the wide land through small windows.
-------great--------
i dont feel the weight of your final 'like Russia, she is...' though... perhaps better without....
keep writing!
Nice poem - the rhythm evaded me for a while - but then I saw that you were using a syllabic structure - strictly 7 syllables to the line. I'm not sure that a more orthodox, metered scheme might not have worked better with the use of rhyme. That's just a niggle though - it is very enjoyable.
I liked, "one learns to love, circumspect, the wide land through small windows." especially.
Amanda_Isabel: Thanks! Yes, I think you are right. Got carried away...
Xamonas Chegwe: Thank you. I decided against using proper metric feet because that would have encouraged the reader to take it too quickly; I find that one way to create a more 'introspective' (?) mood is to slow the pace by putting subliminal difficulties in. Like unusual pacing and line division.
I liked it more on the 2nd read, and then more again. The 'like' made me reflect, and then again, each time, till my memories arrived.. as then the reader does the rest.
fairy-tales which darkly swarm
about bright bells in steeples
I wonder if there were more stanzas, I am left wondering. I like it a lot.
See, people, it's okay to rhyme, if done with some grace.
Nice writing here, the trifling comments I have are that I'm not certain I agree with all of your punctuation choices, and though I understand why you've chosen to structure each stanza as you have, there's a part of me that wants to take away the first line repetitions in the middle two, and leave all the rest. But as I said, trifling. And perhaps the "close as a heart's beat" could be a bit more surprising and interesting if changed from heart beat to some other image. Sure, you want to bring her close and add that emotional charge there, but I just think that this line misses the chord.
And most certainly cut the last line. I just found myself skipping it at each reading, and then the "small windows" becomes a wonderful last line.
I really enjoy the wrapping of the first stanza into the last, with the reinvocation of the landscape and windows.
Honestly, this is a really good piece of work. I wish I'd written the line "one learns to love, circumspect,/the wide land through small windows." That's just fantastic.
jackyyyy: Thank you; I wish there were more - but the poem decided it had had enough of me. *grin*
Jarndyce: Somehow, your comments gave me a little thrill of the hey-I-aced-this-test kind. Let me explain about the repetition though; as I wrote the poem, I had in mind the image of how three things - a) old Russian icons (the 'Christian' side), b) traditional Russian fairy tales (like the Baba Yaga stories, pagan grue), and c) the terribly complex history of modern Russia - could all be woven into some kind of triptych. Of course, a triptych is really a single piece made from three pieces of related art. I missed and wound up with four verses.
And yes, this poem is also about a friend of mine. Of course.
I understand the reason behind it, but I'm not entirely certain the repetition of "Like Russia, she is;" isn't a bit superfluous. I read, and see the necessity, then I read, and see the redundancy. The semicolons kill me, I know that. I don't want to revise your poem, but I'd almost rather see, for example, the lines as something like:Quote:
Originally Posted by autolycus
"like Russia, she is. Such warmth"
"She is, like Russia, distant"
I'm not sure how much that alters the meaning for you, but some change of pace and wording might help, and yet leave the repetition you want. I do like how you modified the line in the last stanza, though.
You have persuaded me. I am going to have to think about this a lot and do something about it. Thanks!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jarndyce
like Russia she is; for all
a vast landscape of the mind,
hidden by forest and wall,
shuttered by curtain and blind.
she is like Russia - such warmth
displayed by the cold people,
fairy-tales which darkly swarm
about bright bells in steeples.
like Russia, she is distant -
yet close as a lone heart's beat;
faithful at the end, constant,
knowing grief but not defeat.
like the true Russia, respect
is what one feels if one knows;
one learns to love, circumspect,
the wide land through small windows.
this version an attempt to remedy some stiffness in the form... is it really an improvement?
Hey, if you come across any Baga Yaga poems in English or Russian, please pass me their location. I read up on that stuff last year, whole new World (for me at least).Quote:
Originally Posted by autolycus
I think it's improved, but "Russia, like she is: distant" missed the note, I think. Maybe just, "Like Russia she is distant" works better?Quote:
Originally Posted by autolycus
jackyyyy: Heh, the Baba Yaga was not half as influential as the Pushkin, here.
Jarndyce: I'll keep trying. The problem I have just discovered is that the slow, mournful, tentative air of the original (caused by repetition and the deliberate avoidance of regular metric feet) is gradually being lost.
I know, I sense that, too. There's a happy medium there, though. You want to keep that Russian dirge, but you can't be overly repetitive. It's tricky. Very tricky.Quote:
Originally Posted by autolycus