Fatal words . . .

Tell me what you think . . .





Fatal Words

You always used to tell me,
The words I loved to hear,
You drove away my troubles,
And melted all my fear.

The first time that you used them,
I thought it was a crush,
But every time I saw you,
My heart began to rush.

The more we were together,
The better things became,
I loved everything there was,
From your eyes to your name.

Every single time you saw me,
You’d use those fatal words,
My legs would turn to jelly,
My stomach filled with birds.

You were my one and only,
You were my first real kiss,
Happily ever after,
I thought we’d have pure bliss.

Every time you spoke of me,
You’d say I was your girl,
The world was just an oyster,
I was the perfect pearl.

I thought we’d last forever,
But the fairy tales lie,
It would not have been so bad,
If you had made me cry.

This is when our bright-sun set,
Upon our short-lived time,
I still cannot work out why,
I’m asking with this rhyme.


You could never say goodbye,
You just told me to wait,
Suddenly I felt alone,
Whilst you played with my fate.

Fatal words were wrongly used,
When I knew you meant goodbye,
I always thought that it would hurt,
But I just couldn’t cry.

That is where these fatal words,
Should have torn my head apart,
I would not have minded so,
But these words touched my heart.

You cannot expect me to wait,
For that is not my job,
I'll smile through the way I feel,
I will not sit and sob.

I thought you were my whole world,
But I’m still here without you,
I then used these fatal words,
I said; ‘I love you too.’

If one day you were to come back,
I would not know what to say,
So I have prepared some words,
For that unexpected day;

The sweetest rose will always be red,
Ash will be forever black,
You walked out of my life once,
Go to hell, and don’t come back.

ouch! - I say, I say again OUCH!

*Clutching chest...gasping for air...falling over......cant.....breath...

I'd die without the hope of harvest.
The once fertile ground, now unyealding.
I've rested well contemplating the complexities love,
Your axe, brought down so swiftly
........and without a wisper of warning,
I have been damaged.

I bow to your damaging blow. Well done and um....OUCH!

That poem is emotionally specific and relentlessly driven. I found myself drifting into my own subconscious to find applicable correlations in my own life. That’s certainly a good thing, but I felt the repetition of feelings within the middle stanzas detracted slightly from the pace. I was searching when I should have been feeling and reaching when I should have been grasping. Maybe I’ve just never been hurt in exactly that way before… Who knows?

Thank you so much for your comments. I've gone back and changed one line because I agree, it was repetative. I didn't notice because I wrote it very quickly as a spur-of-the-moment type thing.

I liked how you finished it, really good, because it´s unexpected:

If one day you were to come back,
I would not know what to say,
So I have prepared some words,
For that unexpected day;

The sweetest rose will always be red,
Ash will be forever black,
You walked out of my life once,
Go to hell, and don’t come back.:thumbs_up