British Tv Rotting Our Brains?
I was flicking through the channels last night and was again appalled by the trash they broadcast to the British citizens. I decided to make a note of what I saw.
Channel:
13 Ambulance Emergency.
14 House renovating. With host Jimmy Benn.
15 How Green Were The Nazi's?
16 Police Patrol. Keeping law and order in Birmingham. They arrested a guy for sniffing glue while looking after a baby.
17 A show about a helicopter rescuing injured climbers on Ben Nevis.
18 Well Thumbed: The history of London's first gay book shop. Narrated, I think, by actor Derek Jacobi.
19 Judge Judy. Someone owed money to a half cousin called Malachi. Something to do with a shirt.
20 Ambulances in Scotland. Some woman was run over and almost drowned. She survived but her poodle didn't.
21 Child's Play 6: Chucky Goes Bananas. Shades of M.R James, I think. Co-starring Grenfell Joyce.
22 Something about fish rot. Irish or Welsh? A bit graphic for me.
23 Sordid USA Crimes: The Infinite Serial Killer. Will We Ever Catch Him? Hosted by Arthur Leigh Allen.
24 Cooking Made Simple. Mainly sausages and lasagna.
25 The Art Of Gott Himmal: Footage of Star Wars punctuated by scenes of Nazi atrocities. Pictures of Chewbacca overlaid with Hitler for some reason. Showing in Paris and other places.
26 Shopping Channel. Elvis boxer shorts for £50 a pack of six. Hosted by Jimmy Somerville and a really fat woman.
27 A pay per view channel called FISTICUFFS. Just shows a picture of an Alsatian, a bowl of fruit and a phone number.
28 Who Do You Think You Are? Some guy is related to a gypsy and Bram Stoker. Hosted by actor Derek Jacobi.
29 The Story Of Trolleybuses. Mainly set in Liverpool. Hosted by Teresa Lisben. Footage from 1842-1924.
30 My Story Amongst The Stars. Peter Mayhew's account of playing Chewbacca. I think this channel was being interrupted with another because there was sudden sounds of people screaming. He didn't get along with R2D2.
31 Oh! I Can't Be Arsed. 70's UK sit com. Starring a young Derek Jacobi and his pal Hodge Warlock. Plot something to do with kidnapping old women and harvesting their organs for a constantly ill porn enthusiast.
32 A show about Vinnie Jones and his recent series of colds and sniffles. Scenes of violence and bell ringing. Sometimes at the same time.
33 Roscoe. An examination of the life of Fatty Arbuckle. Narrated by Peter Mayhew. A bit graphic for me. Mayhew seemed to be ill in this because he kept slurring his words and snoring.
34 Shark Attacks: Australia. Hosted by an ex surfer with two missing toes. Seemed to need the use of a wheel chair.
35 Quality TV. Shopping channel. Selling ornate boxes called Lament Configurations. Hosted by a guy called Jasper.
36 Hobo Giant. Sc-Fi film about a giant red haired hobo trampling on people. USA but dubbed in Mandarin.
37 Last Resort. Medical show about a man having a rectum transplant. Probably not fiction. Hosted by Peter Mayhew, wearing a fake looking Chewbacca costume. Some scenes of bell ringing.
38 A Nightmare on Elm St 6: What You Fecking Looking At? Not the actual original film but a Scottish knock off. Freddy wears a kilt and kills people with a cricket bat. The actor playing Freddy is about five foot one and his make-up is clearly just porridge. Comes with subtitles in Norwegian.
39 Conspiracy Crew. Was the real killer of JFK a tulpa created by Hitler? Apparently it dissolved after the crime. Some residue was found but covered up by FBI. Again another channel interrupted with screaming sounds.
40 I’m Not Peter Mayhew. A documentary about actor Derek Jacobi and his career. Spends some time in a dark room explaining the plot of Jaws in a funny accent. Some graphic scenes with a blow up doll that looks like a burnt Vinnie Jones.
41 Bell Ringing With Peter Mayhew: What You Fecking Looking At? Frank and direct confessions of drug use and campanology. Sometimes at the same time. Strange lingering shots of a small yellow cube. MORE SCREAMING.
42 Jaundice. A show where barely seen people scream my name while directing traffic in a city that looks charred. Some scenes of bell ringing. Some nudity, but mostly animals and plants.
43 BBC News. Fifty two people killed in a murdering accident. Something to do with leylines and a shoe lost thousands of years ago. I have a pen ready to jot down any of the victim's names but they are not forthcoming. Vinnie Jones gives his opinions over Skype. Has a theory about the devil being involved, but he seems ill, slurring his words and snoring. Then he plugs his new book about the history of London's alleyways and the crimes they witnessed. He goes into great detail about the crimes with a big smile on his face. His Skype connection freezes with him smiling.
44 MURDER ME SIDEWAYS! Vinnie Jones, Derek Jacobi and Peter Mayhew have dinner at a posh restaurant and discuss me being murdered by one of them. Maybe all three at once. Half way through it becomes an action movie starring me. I'm shooting a series of Nazi tulpas and banshees who scream my name. My secret name that only God knows. The last five minutes of the film involve someone pretending to be me and living in my flat. He seems to be wearing only one shoe all the time.
45 Albie. A documentary about everyone except me. Everyone in the entire world. They have all had their memories of me wiped. The world is golden once more. People live in peace and no one goes hungry.
19 Judge Judy. Malachi had to pay for the shirt.
I switched off after that and went to bed. But do you see what I mean? Mindless trash being forced into our minds 24 hours a day. Is it any wonder that the world is going to pot?
And this is just the UK! What are they watching in America?
Let's see what YOU have to flick through each day.
