Words of Whiz Dumb 2021

Words of Whiz Dumb 2021
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“-rab your debit card and a 90-pack of Muckenmire’s Beer. Think of Muckenmire whenever you’re handing out food and beverages to voters waiting in line. And don’t forget to bring Muckenmire to your next insurrection.

“You’re listening to WDUH radio, one-oh-nine point four and a half on your FM dial. We’re bringing you the Commencement Ceremony for the class of 2021 of the upstate campus of Downstate University at Hogwash, simulcast on Public Access Channel 909,as well as live streaming on Fakebook.

“President Porterhouse Mistake II is just finishing up his introductory remarks. We join the festivities already in progress —“

“-elcome to DUH’s first post-(or almost post-)pandemic commencement ceremony. After a year away, we have returned to the Rent-a-center Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash. We’d like to thank the venue for allowing us back. The University will always be in their debt. Especially now that our investment in crypto currency has been changed into fairy dust.

“We’d also like to thank our honored guests, our distinguished faculty, and all of our candidates for graduation and their families for honoring the post- or nearly-post- pandemic guidelines. Incidentally, we remind the guests in the fully-vaccinated section to help themselves to a complimentary mimosa and a selection of crabmeat canapes. Conversely, those of you in the non-vaccinated section are eligible to receive a 20-cent coupon off two 30-packs of Muckenmire cans, now with a new flip-top opening enabling you to drink through a triple face mask.

“You’ll note that your souvenir program—for which we can’t get a refund— states that our special guests this afternoon were to be his royal irrelevance Prince Ignatz and his lovely bride, featured on the off-brand cable channel show, 'Y’all Gonna Finish That?' Unfortunately, The Prince and the Duchess of Warlox will not able to able to join us this year in order to continue pissing off the rest of the Royal Family.

“Fortunately, we have found someone who has graciously agreed to fill in at the last minute. She’s a delightful entertainer with local roots —as well as couple of dark ones at the hairline — who’s currently appearing nightly at the now fully-opened Rat-a-tat-tat-Tap Room. Everybody give a big DUH welcome to East Hogwash’s own: Ruth Badda Bingbaum!”

“Thanks! Happy to be here. It’s been a hell of a year, right? I realize how rough it must’ve been for you, locked down in your dorm room with nothin’ but a smart phone, FlickNext, and having to get your Muckenmire’s delivered by the keg.

“I’ve heard how you spent part of the time in the classroom and part of the time on Scroom. They called it Hybrid learning. You know, we ecdyasts are no stranger to that idea. Except to us “hybrid” is a combo of stage act and a pole dance.

“Pandemic shut-down was tough for everybody, but especially those of us in the Industry. That goes double for us ecdysiasts. You know, we are Essential Workers, like hospital staff and first responders.

“The Rat-a-tat-tat Tap tried to stay in business despite the shutdown. We had signs that said 'No Minimum. No Covid Charge.' Still, we couldn’t allow any patrons inside the premises. Curbside service only.

“Even with social distancing, we had to assure the health gurus that everybody was disease-free. Lots of Testing. It was the first time any of us we had to take a medical test that didn’t involve peeing in a cup. Our —you should excuse the expression— stripped-down costumes consisted of a pair of pasties, a G-string, and a face mask. That’s called 'following the science.'

“Curbside service was no picnic. Out in that parking lot some nights were chilly, let me tell you. Dark, too. When I flung my costume parts, I couldn’t really see where my costume parts landed. I swear that somewhere around East Hogwash there’s a 2015 Nissan Versa tooling around with one of my garters hanging off its radio antenna. Not to mention having to chase dollar bills around in that wind.

“Now, Thank Heavens, things are beginning to get back to normal, or sorta. The scientists seem to know what they’re talking about. Mostly. Some of our best customers, er, audience, are physicians. I know a doctor who can speak seven languages and can’t give you a straight answer in any of ‘em.

At least now the info we get is on the up-and-up. But a little over a year ago, it was —as we say in Ecdysiasm—touch and go:

Funny, it was only one patient
Nothin’ to stew about --
Funny how all that blew out
‘S’all weird, isn’t it?

Funny, they said not to worry
It would all go away.
Funny, how we all began to worry
‘S’all weird, isn’t it?

They said
it would be all gone by Easter,
when the warm sun would shine.
Then we
got knocked on our keister
when winter came on line.

Funny,
how the cases were mounting,
way, way out of control.
What’s worse
they wouldn’t bother counting —
S’all weird, isn’t it?

Somehow
the Truth poked its head out,
and turned the corner quick.

Some way,
the new guy took charge
and stopped the damn uptick.

Funny,
how fleece was the new formal—
hope’s a new thing to feel.
Funny how life returns to normal --
S’all weird, isn’t it?
Weird, and funny, and real.

“Thank goodness we’ve got the vaccine. When it first came out, it was hard to get an appointment for your inoculation. The shot was harder to get than a blonde playing two hedge fund managers against each other for her affections.

At the beginning, only medical workers and nursing home residents could get the shot. Next senior citizens, then the list of eligible people got bigger and bigger. But little old Ruthie here couldn’t get an appointment. The waiting list for the single-dose vaccine was longer than a CVS receipt.

Meanwhile millions of folks went for the double-dip shots. Even so, the supply beat the demand.

The reason was what they called 'Vaccine resistance.' My colleague, Margie Trailer Q-Anon, wouldn’t go anywhere near a hypodermic needle. That’s because she bought the conspiracy theory about the vaccine. She believed that with every shot Bill Gates would inject you with a microchip with a teeny, tiny pre-nup imbedded on it. That scared her off. She said she wanted to keep her options open.

Finally little o’ Ruthie here got her injection: The one-and-done. (That’s a phrase I’m familiar with.) It was the first time I ever had a shot that didn’t have penicillin in it.

But — as the plastic surgeon said, things are looking up.

Things look safe!
We’ve got a vax!
it’s all been cranked up to max

No more hills
or plateaus
No more masks
on our nose
No Q-tips sticking up there too—

Honey, everything’s coming up doses!

Feeling good about your selves
Toilet paper back on the shelves.
Set the economy humming,
maybe Doomsday won’t be coming

Life is fun
folks look keen
we’re all done with quarantine

That health care they all talked about is due–

Honey, everything’s coming up Moderna,

everything’s coming up Pfizer.
everything’s coming up Johnson —

—And Johnson. So nice we say it twice!
Everything is coming up doses
For me and for you!”


“Ruth Badda Bingbaum, everybody! [Sound of sparse applause] Quick, somebody — get her a robe!”


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Thanks for the entertaining and updated chronic, valiant Aunty. I realized it was quite a time since we had the last news from East Hogwash.

Meanwhile on the south of the Equator we are still very far from experiencing "the buds of normality" to quote Manichaean. Third wawe seems to be impending.

Wicked Aunty, wicked piece; but glad things are on the mend Stateside.

The subtlety of your news update lay in mobilizing the serpentine mists of the English language; where with admirable cunning, you both enveloped your Lit Net transgressions, and simultaneously had us drooling at caricatures of the usual suspects.

I refer of course to:

No politics.

No sexual innuendos.

No criticism of the Royal Family.

As a Brit I can only comment on the last one; where our royal couple attended the court of Queen Oprop to alternately; dish the dirt on Daddy, or simper willfully about how life is so cruel.

Can I beg your permission to submit your “blonde & two hedge fund managers” to the “My Favourite Quote” section?

Our prayers are with all Lit Netters, especially those in; South America, India and Mexico, including the stalwart Danik.

Finally on a lighter note in Jamaica, where they have developed their own vaccine named “RastaVenika.” The first dose does not do much, but by the second dose you cease to care.

Best wishes

M.

Danik and Manichaean, thanks so much to both of you for your kind comments. Don't be surprised is somebody implores you: "Don't encourage her!"

There was no intention to skirt the censors. It never occurred to me that any of this material was verboten. I was focused on laughs, though admittedly, they may be few and far between.

And by the bye, please note the time stamp as to when this material was first posted. WOW '21 does predate a certain live network broadcast of um, let's say Saturday night, does it not? I mention this in case viewers found something familiar in the latter.

Remember you read it here first!

As a foreigner some of the more local references get lost on me. For example, I don´t know, who is meant with this Ruth! But what made me happy, was to note that the piece is very recent. I hope this means that East Hogwash & Co. Editions are being reactivated.