A Little Bit Of Humour # 310

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 7

God’s cruelest joke: when
Men figure how women work:
His manhood doesn’t

A YOUNGER MEMBER OF STAFF

A younger member of staff
Caused something of a melee
Having completely misunderstood
The nature of Mufti day

I WOULD LIKE TO KILL THE PERSON

I would like to kill the person
Who said school days were fun
I was taught by Birds of pray,
More commonly known as nuns

I WAS HAPPILY SAT CONTEMPLATING

I was happily sat contemplating,
When a crab scuttled into view
So, I determined the time had come
To buy some more special shampoo

GOD CREATED THE PILOT WHALE

God created the Pilot Whale,
Contrary to heretical theories,
And it was so well received
God went on to make a series

I HAD TO KNOW WHAT SHE THOUGHT

I had to know what she thought
So, I texted her to check
“How was the sex” I asked
Hoping it wasn’t egotistic
And she would reply soon
And she texted “quite quick”

HONEYMOON PERIOD REFERS

Honeymoon period refers
To a time, that’s much less stressful
But more literally, it means
Consummation was unsuccessful

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 2

Recently I had
A ballooning holiday
- I put on four stones

SHOULD AN OLD PERSON REALLY ANNOY ME

Should an old person really annoy me
I have a particularly callous strategy
I just set about taunting and teasing them
With dreams of the future they won’t see

I WOKE UP THIS EARLY MORNING

I woke up this early morning
And I have realised all my worst fears
Because our new MP is an old classmate
We used to call Tiny Tears

I WAS WATCHING PORN

I was watching porn
On my Laptop privately
After a while, my computer
Went down on me

AFTER SUNSET AS THE LIGHT DIED

After sunset as the light died
I stayed up all night and tried
To figure out where the sun could be
Then it dawned on me

BOB HOPE ONCE SAID

Middle age is when
Your age will start to show up
Around your middle

I HAVE STARTED TO DO EXERCISE

I have started to do exercise,
But I am taking it slower
By only doing a gentle jog
Between the fridge and the sofa

MY HEARTS PROTECTOR

My hearts protector
A guardian fierce and true
And love of my life

YOU ARE DIVINELY DESIGNED

You are a beauty
And are divinely designed
But out of my reach

MY PRECIOUS BOOK OF DREAMS

You only exist
In my precious book of dreams
But you seem so real

RICK ASTLEY WILL LET YOU BORROW

Rick Astley will let you borrow
Any movie from his Pixar collection,
But “He's never gonna give you Up”
As that’s the obvious exception

MY CROSS EYED TEACHER WAS DISMISSED

My cross eyed teacher was dismissed
The governors have no scruples
They said it wasn’t her disability
But that she couldn't control her pupils

A WET DAY AND AN IGJURED LION

What's the difference between
A wet day and an injured Lion?
Well one is pouring with rain
The other is roaring with pain

DIFFERENCES # 3

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer, as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 3

My friend says to me:
"What rhymes with orange?" I said:
"Oh no it doesn't!"