A Little Bit Of Humour # 309
OLD AGE SUCKS # 1
I sat down on a park bench
So, I could pull up my socks
Sadly, I wasn’t wearing any
God getting old really sucks
I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 4
I know I’m getting old
In the most fundamental of ways
When children ask me
What it was like in the olden days
DIFFERENCES # 2
There is definitely a difference,
So please make no mistake,
Between crisps and a condom
One of them you salt and shake
WHEN YOU ARE WRITING A STORY
When you are writing a story
About losing your virginity
Please do one thing for certain
And put it in the first person
FOLLOW THE LIGHT
When I died, I headed
Towards the light
Slow and steady
But it turned out
I’d been reincarnated
As a moth already
WHEN LOBSTERS ARE APART
When Lobsters are apart
So as not to feel alone
They regularly keep in touch
On the Shellular phone
DEMENTIA
I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”
FLY AND THE SPIDER
Why oh why
Did the fly, fly?
Because the spider
Spied her
REMEMBER YOUR VOTE COUNTS
Remember your vote counts
In a Democracy
But your Count votes
In a feudal society
THE WARRIOR WAS REWARDED
The warrior was rewarded
For his performance in the arena
When he was given a young woman
From the temple of Vesta
Who he happily devoured,
And afterwards he was Gladiator
I AM FAT AND MY GOAL IS TO SLIM DOWN
I am fat and my goal is to slim down
To a healthy weight that my heart can afford
But for now, my ambition is to put
Half a box of chocolates back in the cupboard
FOGHORN LEGHORN WORKS OUT
Foghorn Leghorn works out
And gives his muscles a flex
As he keeps himself in shape
And concentrates on his pecks
EPIC LOVE TALES
The tale is about
Epic loves, to cut a long
Story short – the end
CROMWELL AND THE KING
“I do apologize” Cromwell said
To King Charles the first, before
Having him beheaded on the block
“Don’t mention it” the King replied
“I regret I’m the cause of this chore
Then both men bowed to the other
But it was after all, the Civil War
DESICCATED WIFE
Henry the Eight desiccated his dead wife
Though she had always been a paragon,
Then she was finely chopped and put in a jar
And that’s the tale of Catherine of tarragon
JULIUS CAESAR
Julius Caesar
Julius deflowers her
Julius dumps her
THE BRIDE TO BE WAS AT THE POULTRY FARM
The bride to be was at the Poultry farm
Watching the birds scratching and pecking
And she was absolutely raging, because
It wasn’t the hen night she was expecting
LILY DIED
Lily died as she wouldn’t give up wheat
Which was the death of her
But she didn’t have an allergy
She was killed by a Combine harvester
MY GREAT GRANDFATHER NEVER
My Great Grandfather never
Threw anything away in his decade
Which was a shame really
As he was killed by a hand grenade
A DISILLUSIONED VET WROTE A BOOK
A disillusioned vet wrote a book
And it is a real kiss and tell
About his life and times, entitled
All creatures grunt and smell
