A Little Bit Of Humour # 301

GETTING ON # 16

When you are getting on in years
Make sure you are kind to your family
Because they’ll be choosing
Your nursing home eventually

WHEN SKUNKS ARE APART

When Skunks are apart
So as not to feel alone
They regularly keep in touch
On the smellular phone

A WITCH APPEARED ON HALLOWEEN

A witch appeared on Halloween
She was clearly a natural blonde
And when asked to step inside
She played with the wizard’s wand

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 15

The old ones are best:
What's orange and sounds like a
Parrot? A carrot

I LAUNCHED A NEW BOOK

I launched a new book,
Aimed at children, today
And I hit one of the little sods
Before they ran away

I TRIED MY HAND AT FORTUNE TELLING

I tried my hand at fortune telling
Using an old snow globe
And I became very good at predicting
Really cold winters

A FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

I was Masturbating up on the roof
But unfortunately, I was seen
My boss gave me a second chance
So effectively wiped the slate clean

DRY JANUARY

A month without alcohol
Isn’t what makes January dry
What does, is sex without foreplay
Or indeed the use of KY

MY FATHER HAS SUFFERED

My father has suffered
A long series of seizures recently
So far, he’s lost his cars, house,
Yacht and a Villa on Capri

MY MATE TOM

My mate Tom stuck
A vacuum cleaner nozzle up his bum
Henry has never recovered
And sadly, always looks glum

STALKING CLAIM

My brother, who is a BS talker,
Claims to have a stalker
My wife said it was different to see
As his trouser were too baggy

MY BROTHER SWALLOWED MY TORCH

My brother swallowed my torch
But I wasn’t too upset though
Because his little face lit up
And his eyes were all aglow

MY WIFE’S BIRTHDAY TOY

It was my wife’s birthday
So, I bought a sex toy for her
I don’t think it’s her fave
But it’s definitely up there

A TROPHY SISTER-IN-LAW

My brother decided
To take himself
A trophy wife
And I admit I was taken a back
As her ears stuck out
And the names
Of prior winner’s
Were tattooed down her back

JUST THINK OF YESTERDAY AS HISTORY

Just think of yesterday as history
And see tomorrow as a mystery
Just accept today for what it is, a gift
that’s we call it the present clearly

PLEASE DON'T PURSUE HAPPINESS

Please don't pursue happiness
It will just make you feel crappy
And its not the road to happiness
So, stay off that road and be happy

DESCRIPTIVE TRAVELLER

It was appropriate for a voyeur,
To live in the village of Watcham
To where I just returned yesterday
From the Northern town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham

SYNONYM DESCRIBES A WORD

Synonym describes a word
That you chose to use
When you can’t spell
The word you wanted to use

TWO OLD MEN WERE IN A NUDIST CAMP

Two old men were in a nudist camp
And one asked as they were sitting there
“Have you read Marx” And the other replied
“Yes, it must be the wicker chair”

COMFORTING THE TEACHER

Something upset
My English teacher
So I said to comfort her
“There, their, they’re”