A Little Bit Of Humour # 300

GETTING ON # 15

They have just barred me
From the local Oddbins
For causing checkout queues
Trying to remember my pin

A LUSTFUL SMILE WAS ON HER LIPS

A lustful smile was on her lips
When he responded “treat” to her
As her cloak slipped to the floor
Leaving every inch of her bare
“Like what you see?” she purred
“Very nice indeed” he whispered
“You may take for your pleasure
All my delicious candy treasure”

CHEWBACCA IS DEAD

Chewbacca is dead
But he did not die in vain
HIs pelt made a great tent
To keep out the rain

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 3

I’m something of a joker
And follow the comedy craft
I even have a Mule joke
But to be fare it’s half assed

I KNOW I AM MIDDLE AGED WITHOUT ANY DOUBT

I know I am Middle aged without any doubt
Because when given a choice when I was out
Between two temptations, I have to confess
I chose the one that got me home the soonest

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 14

I don’t like sitting
In traffic, because I get
Run over, always

I JUST HEARD ON THE NEWS

I just heard on the news
That Uncle Ben had died
I’m really devasted
No more Mr Rice Guy

WHEN TRAGEDY STRIKES AT SEA

When tragedy strikes at sea
“This is your captain speaking”
Doesn’t get the message across,
But “THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING”

I STAYED AT A BRILLIANT NEW HOTEL

I stayed at a brilliant new Hotel
It was an absolute gem of a find
But it’ the new corduroy pillows
That are really making headlines

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS MARRIED

Foghorn Leghorn was married
To Yoyo, An eccentric Hen,
So called because she laid
The same egg again and again

THE GINGER PRINCE WENT TO WAR

Harry is the spare, not the heir
So he chose to follow a military career
And the ginger Prince went to war
Amidst muck and bullets, blood and gore
He is a braver man than I by some way
It’s a shame the press gave the game away
Now the prince is coming home again
To the land of his grandmothers reign
For as he bravely faced the Taliban
There were dangers for the princely man
For even under the pale winter sun
He had to wear factor ninety one

THERE’S A NEW MOVIE IN PRODUCTION

There’s a new movie in production
About a bunch of Comic Art Heisters
Specifically, the work of Mike Mignola
The film is called Steal Mignolas

Credit to Selina J @OfSelina

MUM ALWAYS WASHED MY HAIR IN AUSSIE BEER

Mum always washed my hair in Aussie beer
And at the time I wasn’t bothered
It wasn't until many years later I discovered
That I had in fact been Fostered

I BOUGHT A CD OF SOOTHING WHALE SONG

I bought a CD of soothing whale song
As a chill out evening was planned
But things didn’t work out that way
The CD was by a dolphin tribute band

A GREAT MIND IS NOT EASILY DEFINED

A great mind is not easily defined
But its measurement is oft unspoken
For a great mind is like a parachute
It always works better when it’s open

THE FIRST TIME I TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND HOME

The first time I took my girlfriend home
So that my mum could meet her
She wore a big green shirt and huge gloves
And my mum said she was a keeper

IF GETTING SEXUAL GRATIFICATION

If getting sexual gratification
From the Beano is your belief
Then that would be known
To most people as Comic relief

OPPOSITES ATTRACT THEY SAY

Opposites attract they say
And for my wife and I
Nothing could be truer
As I have an eight-inch penis
And she doesn’t know
How to use a ruler

MY WIFE WAS VERY EMBARRASSED OF ME

My wife was very embarrassed of me
So much so in her view
That on our wedding day
I was only invited to the evening do

THE REASON SKUNKS ARGUE

The reason Skunks argue
All the time is, I think,
Because they simply
Like to make a big stink