A Little Bit Of Humour # 299

I’M SOMETHING OF A JOKER # 2

I’m something of a joker
People think I’m a weirdo
I even have a Tortoise joke
But to be fare it’s a bit slow

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 13

The saying goes, Time
Flies like an arrow, fruit flies
Like a banana

GO ON AND TAKE A GOOD HANDFUL

“Go on and take a good handful”
She said to the trick or treater
So, he went straight for the contents
Of her very well filled sweater
“They normally empty my bag”
She said somewhat taken aback
“I’m surprised, because for me”
He said “I’d rather empty my sac”
“Oh” she mused “that kind of treat”
Aware he didn’t want a hand shandy
She added “You’d better come in
And you can have the special candy”

GETTING ON # 14

I stop to catch my breath
On the stairs and then I frown
As I can’t remember whether
I was going up or down

I AM ATTENDING WALTERS FUNERAL

I am attending Walters Funeral
Because I was a friend of his
And I think that today we could
Definitely say where Wally is

APPARENTLY IT TAKES THREE SHEEP

Apparently it takes three sheep
To make a sweater
But I’m pretty sure that humans
Can do it better

GENTLE BEN THE GRIZZLY BEAR

Gentle Ben the Grizzly Bear
Got in a bit of a to do
With a Skunk, and he earned
The name Winnie the Pooh

ALL OF THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD

All of the Rabbits in the field
Hopped backwards in the sunshine
This very strange occurrence
Is known as a receding hareline

I WAS TOLD BY A COUNTRYMAN

I was told by a countryman that
The best way to catch a Rabbit
Is to hide among the bushes
And make a noise like a Carrot

ARE YOU WEARING A FAT SUIT?

Are you wearing a fat suit?
Well that shape can’t be ignored
But wait it’s not a suit is it?
I recognise you now Mr Blackford

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 4

At my advanced age
I don’t worry too much about
Avoiding temptation
It will avoid me without doubt

THE POLICE FOUND A BODY

A body was found in a drain
That someone tried to hide
The police suspect foul play
And have ruled out Sewercide

SHOPLIFTERS ARE A SCOURGE

Shoplifters are a scourge
Stealing goods from the shelves
So, Shoplifters Anonymous
Helps people to help themselves

IF YOU GIVE A MAN A DUCK

If you give a man a duck
He’ll eat very well for a day
But if you teach a man to duck
You’ll keep head trauma at bay

I REALLY LOVE A RAINY DAY

I really love a rainy day
As I am a Pluviophile
So, walking in the rain
Is definitely my style

WE HAVE DRINKS AT KARATE

We have drinks at Karate
But we don’t drink Saki
As the drink of choice
At the Dojo is Kara tea

OBJECTIFYING

Oh look
A glimpse of thigh
As her legs cross
Vary titillating
But the young girls
Hipster clad
Showing thongs
Fail to titillate.
However, the young woman
In the lemon dress
Illuminated in that shaft
Of golden sunlight
Does excite the senses
Now a well-endowed lass
On an adjacent table
Leans forward suddenly
And her breasts
Rearrange themselves
Delightfully before my eyes
I know I’m objectifying
But I feel no shame
As I sit and view
A curvaceous beauty,
A shapely leg,
Or well-sculptured ankle,
Pert well-formed buttocks,
Or plump or perky breasts
However, I dislike
Tarty or vampy
So, no bare midriffs
Or obscenely short skirts
Less is more in my opinion
So, objectifying or not
I feel no shame
For lecherous viewing
Where’s the sin
In looking
They are God’s creation
When all said and done
Well packaged morsels
Of his finest work
So why would he
Give us such delicacies
If he intended us not to look
So, where’s the sin
In objectifying such delights
Even if I am the Vicar

POPULAR AND ADORABLE

She was popular
And adorable
So, you might say
She’s Popularable

THE CREATURES OF THE INSECT WORLD

The creatures of the insect world
Are not known for their comeliness
However, the collective noun for
A group of Ladybirds is a loveliness

THE GREATEST LIES OF LIFE

No, your bum doesn’t look big in that
Money isn't everything
How funny, I was just going to call you
I'm only going to put it in a little way
I've never done this before
They’ll ride up with wear
The cheque's in the post
Anticipation is half the fun
This will hurt me more than it hurts you
I promise I won't finish in you
This won't hurt, I promise
No I can’t see the join
Uh yes, it’s very slimming