A Little Bit Of Humour # 295

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 437

Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
But when he sobered up
He was miserable git

WHEN I WAS IN A WRITING TEAM

When I was in a writing team
We was write a gag and get a laugh
Now it’s just me and a word processor
And it's hard to make the bastard laugh

I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 3

I discovered my favourite duck was sick
Unfortunately, he had a monkey on his back
It turned out he used a multitude of drugs
But his favourite drug of choice was Quack

SHE WANTED HIM TO CARRY HER UPSTAIRS

She wanted him to carry her upstairs
Before he made love to her
But he refused to do it because
He was the lighthouse keeper

ANAKIN SKYWALKER

Anakin Skywalker
Uses electronic cigarettes
So the Jedi earned the
Darth Vaper epithet

CELEBRITY CHEESE

Jay Z has a favourite cheese
I fancy
And if I’m not mistaken
It’s Brieoncé

I’D DO ANYTHING

“I’d do anything” how apt a title
A motto for the wannabee
A catch phrase for the starstruck
And all those lacking dignity

A WEASEL WALKED INTO THE SALOON BAR

A weasel walked into the saloon bar
Of the Fox and Beagle
“What can I get you?” asked the barman
“Pop” Goes the weasel

CLUNK CLICK

Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin

SITTING BULL’S WIFE WAS CALLED FOUR HORSES

Sitting Bull’s wife was called Four Horses
A beautiful name, but there was a snag
The reason she was given that name was
Because she would nag nag nag and nag

THE POLLEN COUNT

The pollen count,
Is a really difficult endeavour
Made especially so,
Because I suffer from hay fever

THE FIRST MAN TO PEE

The first man to pee
On the Moon
Was Buzz Aldrin
But in view of that
He should be called
Wizz Aldrin

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 8

It’s true to say as you get older
Your youth you possible may regain
For someday you will be old enough
To start reading fairy tales again

I WENT TO THE LOCAL APIARY

I went to the local apiary
To buy a dozen bees
But they gave me thirteen
The extra one was a freebee

EVENTUALLY YOU WILL REACH A POINT

Eventually you will reach a point,
And I’m there I must admit,
Where I’ve stopped lying about my age
And started bragging about it

WHEN OLDER PERFORMERS DON’T START THEIR ACT

When older performers don’t start their act
But begin by telling you their age instead
The crowd goes wild, but what the audience
Is applauding them for is not being dead

HE GASPED AS HER HAIR CASCADED DOWN

Her hair cascaded down
And he gasped at the sight
But then it was winter,
So not waxing was alright

DIMINUTIVE HEROINE OF KING KONG

Diminutive Heroine of King Kong
The Queen of Scream, Fay Wray
Was beauty to King Kong’s beast
And was Queen of the B’s in her day

LAST NIGHT I ASKED A SEX WORKER

Last night I asked a sex worker
“What do you charge for a handy?”
She replied “Roughly 50 quid”
I winced and replied “And gently?”

GETTING ON # 10

I think I must really be getting old
And I don’t mean just a little bit
Because my car has the ability
To move itself from where I parked it