A Little Bit Of Humour # 294
ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 2
If a cheese likes to drink
And its dependence is clear
It has a drinking problem
And will go by the name Morbier
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 7
I think I may be past my best
Because I popped out to get milk
And return home two hours later
With a tin of paint and no milk
OLD BUZZARD
I have come to the conclusion
Which is quite worrying
That although my sex life isn’t dead
The buzzards are definitely circling
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
CULTURE VULTURE
Isn’t culture wonderful?
Music, theatre, poetry
Something for everyone
To feel or hear or see
The performing arts
I particularly like poetry
Especially poetry readings
With the writer at the mic
I go to festivals and slams
From time to time
I like to go to a recital
And ask why the poem doesn't rhyme
THE PHRASE RAGS TO RICHES
The phrase “Rags to riches”
Is a very interesting idiom
As historically garments went
From the Rich to the ragged
MY SON REALLY HURT HIS ARM
My son really hurt his arm
The Doc said “there no harm
Done” I insisted he Humour us
And check out the Humerous
MEETING BENEATH THE CLOCK
Beneath the clock, I waited expectantly
Awaiting my blind date, a little nervously
He’s late but I don’t mind, at least not yet,
No doubt he’ll have a good reason, I bet.
He’s here at last and only an hour late
A good-looking man so worth the wait?
Clear blue eyes and his smile is terrific
Oh but his breath could stop the traffic
Nobody’s perfect and he has a kind face
And he’s booked at an exclusive place
The restaurant looks fine, very expensive,
Alas appearances were definitely deceptive
The food was poor, and service shambolic
His conversation dull and monosyllabic
Drinking to excess and slobbering food
His table manners nothing short of rude
His drinking drove me around the bend
I couldn’t wait for the evening to end
The bill arrived and I was asked to pay half
I replied flatly “you’re having a laugh”
He leapt to his feet exploding with fury
But fell backwards into the shrubbery
I threw him a look of contempt and disdain
Embarrassed, I left saying “never again”
And “of course a blind date would go amiss,
I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this”
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKADE HAT?
Are you wearing a cockade hat?
With red, white and blue on
I hope you’re going to a party
And you don’t think you’re Napoleon
NOT BEING PREVIOUS
For those who don’t believe
In sex before marriage
Those who want the horse
Before the carriage
I should point out
It isn't premarital sex per se”
If there is no intention
Of having a wedding day
SEX WITHOUT LOVE
Sex without love
Is a meaningless experience you know
I think you’ll agree
But as meaningless experiences go
Sex without love
Is pretty bloody marvelous though
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN
What do you call an intelligent?
Good looking and sensitive man?
The most obvious answer would be
Call him whenever you can
But this question is more to do with humour
Because this man is gay or just a rumour
BE ALERT
On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see
But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss
But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages
Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?
GETTING ON # 9
I am defiantly getting old
And I am not alright with that
So when I’m asked my age
I say I’m forty nine plus vat
DO LAZY PEOPLE EXERCISE
Do lazy people exercise?
I happen to think probably not
But if they did something
It would be a Diddly-squat
I SAID I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN
I said I wanted to be a comedian
And my wife laughed, the rotten cow
Well I have become a comedian
And I can say that no one’s laughing now
TODAY I ADDED INSULT ONTO INJURY
Today I added insult onto injury
To a recovering paragliding enthusiast
As they lay motionless in Casualty
When I wrote something rude on his cast
FORTUNATELY YOU HAVE TWO HANDS
Fortunately, you have two hands
And hopefully you’ll discover,
One is for helping yourself,
And one is for helping others
I JUST HAD A SENIOR MOMENT
I just had a senior moment
When I mentioned to my friend Betty
That when I got the chance
I needed to phone my friend Betty
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 436
Ring a ring o' roses,
A pocketful of posies
Atishoo! Atishoo!
Catch it, bin it, kill it
