A Little Bit Of Humour # 291
ALCOHOLIC CHEESE # 1
If a cheese is tempted to drink
Too much, it should not
Because if it does succumb
It is at risk of Livarot
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 4
I use the phrase “the one from the tv”
To describe actors or celebrities
I also use it to describe what I’m looking
At the supermarket or the Deli
DAPHNE DUCK MARRIED
Daphne Duck married
Foghorn Leghorn
And their child woke them
At the quack of dawn
THE FAMILY PORTRAIT
My face has been washed clean
And my hair is the best it’s been
So I must smile and not fidget
For the annoying photographer twit
But when he asks “where’s the birdie”
I will frown and look surly
FENCED
Uncle John the fence, has passed away
And the news has left me feeling sorry
But I have to say it was poetic justice
Because he fell off the back of a lorry
YOUNG JIMBO
I got a rescue dog from Battersea
And I called the puppy, Jimbo
But he needed obedience classes
Where they walked us to and fro
When he needed to be at heel
Jimbo almost always ran away
Then he came bounding back
When he was meant to sit and stay
And when he walked on the lead
I had to pull young Jimbo back
Or he was round and round my feet
Until I ended up lying on my back
So we stopped going to the classes
And I have a stick for him to chase
I can forgive my Jimbo anything
When he jumps up to lick my face
HAIR CARE FOR MEN
The great thing about being a man
Is you can have the same hairstyle for years
And waking in the morning with a mustache
Doesn’t make you burst into tears
But perhaps the best thing of all
You only have to shave your facial hairs
ACUMEN AND WOMEN
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need
ARGUMENTATIVE
The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children
She knows their likes and dislikes,
Who their friends are and who they fancy
There illness’s, ailments and allergies
She knows the dates of all their matches
Drop off and pick up, Home and away
She knows about appointments for hospital
As well as Doctor, optical and dental
She know about their favourite foods
And the things that make them sick
She know what scares them and why
And what makes them laugh and cry
She knows all about their hopes and dreams
And what they may look for in a spouse
While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
Of some short people living in the house.
CRASH LOCATION
On the M25 just beyond Dartford
She lost control of her car and crashed
Hitting the barrier with great force
Then came rest with the car smashed
It happened close to where she lived
She was nearly home, not far to go
But she sat trapped in her crumpled car
Covered in blood from head to toe
The paramedic attending the crash
Examined her as a matter of urgency
But apart from the blood covering her
He was at a loss to find any injury
“Where are you bleeding from?”
He asked the girl in the battered Ford
Slightly annoyed the girl responded
“I’m from bleeding Romford”
MY BROTHER DOES NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH
My older brother does neighbourhood watch
In his street and adjoining roads around there
But he’s not keeping the neighbourhood safe
He’s just by nature something of a voyeur
I HAVE BEEN A KEEN SPORTS FAN
I have been a keen sports fan
For as long as I can remember
And my father, since boyhood,
Is an even bigger fan than me
Having said that, there is an event
That has frankly always puzzled us
And that is the University Boat Race,
Which takes place on the Thames,
Between two coxed eight crews
So not the most thrilling event
But that’s not the puzzling part
What puzzle’s us is the participants
As it’s always Oxford and Cambridge
So how do they always get to the final?
THIRTEENTH SIGN OF THE ZODIAC
There are more than twelve signs
Of the Zodiac, and the thirteenth sign
Of the astrological year is Pyrex,
Which covers all twelve months
But which house you were born in
Has no relevance to your sign
What qualifies you is the “how”
Because to be born under Pyrex
You have to be a test tube baby
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED
Foghorn Leghorn crossed
The Basketball Court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard the ref
Had called a fowl
MATERNAL KANGAROOS
Maternal Kangaroos
Hate a rainy day
Because the kids
Stay inside to play
I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 2
I got a bargain on a load of steak
But the guy turned out to be a phoney
Five lorry loads of horse steak
But hey it only cost me a pony
ONE OF THE FREEZERS BROKE DOWN
One of the freezers broke down
I’m worried for my stroganoff
I’ve just checked the horse steaks
And sadly, I think “they're off!”
GETTING ON # 6
Now I have reached old age
And in the Autumn of my days
Except for the odd heart attack
I feel as young as I always
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 433
Birds of a feather flock together,
And so will pigs and swine;
With kith and kin we have no choice,
I certainly didn’t choose mine
