Excuses. Excuses

Another retread (or rethread), though I can't seem to find the original post on the forums. This one originated in May 2008, just about 12 years ago.

Excuses, Excuses

Uh—
on a sleepover I overslept.
The alarm forgot to bzzt
because the power went out
partying last night

and this a.m. it’s choking
on the short hairs
of the dog who bit it.

After eating the kids’
homework, the pup regurgitated
facts: 1066, the sum
of the hypotenuse, meiosis.

I missed my ride,
and it doesn’t miss me.
The bus broke down
in tears because it came
down with a case of dys-Lexus-ia.

Me, I’ve got Venus
envy at the wrong time
of month, cramping
my style. My water broke

all over my dry Tortugas.
I had to stop to smell
the peonies. I left
my wallet in my other plants.

I cut you
a check that bounced
when I dropped it
on the way to the mailbox.
It sprung a hammy
while tying the string
on its sweatpants.

At the orifice I already gave
a fig that flouted Newton’s Laws.
My pockets are philosophical
but not deep --

they’re empty now
of their last seven-fifty,
donated to an orphan in need
of pouring a latte
into his Florida panhandle.

These quicksilver dollars
sprout wings, right?--
just like the ones suddenly
protruding from my back -–

I’d really, really,
really love to help you out,
Pal, but right now
I gotta fly.