[Click.]
“-ab your credit card and head on down to any convenience store that’s managed to stay open and pick up a 90-pack of Muckenmire’s Beer. Muckenmire makes Staying At Home easier. And it’s a heckavalot cheaper than — excuse the expression — Corona.
“You’re listening to WDUH radio, one-oh-nine point four on your FM dial. We’re bringing you the Commencement Ceremony of the class of 2020 of the upstate campus of Downstate University at Hogwash, simulcast on Public Access Channel 632,as well as live streaming on Fakebook.
“ President Porterhouse Mistake II is just finishing up his introductory marks. So depending on how strong his WiFi hookup is, we’re joining the festivities already in progress –“
“-elcome to DUH’s first ever virtual—if not virtuous— commencement ceremony. We’d like to thank the Rentacenter Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash for its mainly years of hosting our commencement ceremonies, and that we are sorry that the circumstances of the pandemic have ruled out their hospitality this year. Also, we’d like to mention that although we can’t be using your venue this year, we have received your invoice. To which we say, stick it in your ear.
“Next we’d like to express our appreciation to the Class of 2020 for its graciousness in light of the many unavoidable changes this year. All of those who qualify for a degree will receive their diplomas in a physical form, via curbside pick-up. Good luck reserving a time slot.
“As in other years we wanted to book a top-notch commencement speaker for our online ceremony. We went through the entire B-list, but they all said that they had scheduling conflicts, such as binge watching the Real Housewives of Upper Sandusky.
“Fortunately, at the last minute we were able to nab a speaker right here in East Hogwash, who said he’d be thrilled, though he may’ve been referring to the speaker’s fee.
Coincidentally enough, he is a medical professional, exactly the type of speaker we could use in these uncertain/challenging/ unprecedented times. You may be vaguely familiar with his quasi-popular podcast, “Got Your Back!” His chiropractic practice —whoo! – say that one three times fast!— is located at the intersection of Route 67 and Purgatory Road, half a mile past Shimmee’s Shakes. You can’t miss it.
So now, without further ado, here is Dr. Wizened Odds!
[squelching sounds]
“–nk you, President Mistake. I am indeed happy to be here, even though it’s through the magic of the Internet. Or Spite. Or Zroom. Whatever. Our best WiFi reception is in the basement So please excuse the background with the clothesline behind me. The wife just rinsed out a couple o’ delicates that can’t go in the dryer.
“I’d like to begin by echoing President Mistake’s remarks in that we’re all sorry that the happy occasion of your graduation has been marred by a pandemic. Talk about ‘dramatic,’ right?
“We’re all supposed to follow the Stay-at-Home guidelines. I told the wife, ‘I’m afraid we won’t be going out on the town for a while.’ And she said, ‘How is this different after sixteen years ?’
“Actually, I come from a long line of garlic-eaters and antiperspirant deniers. So social distancing comes naturally to me.
“Even so, after these long weeks of cabin fever, we all need a break more than Sen. Ben Sasse needs a comedy writer.
“Anyhoo, maybe a song or two will cheer you up. Let me boot up the ol’ Victrola:
Oh, I could buy a load of groceries,
go to Church and pray the Rosary,
or complete an essential task.
I could hike a public park trail
Then pick up a curbside cocktail —
If I only had a mask.
With proof of an official letter
I could sleep a little better
and finally get some rest.
With proper verification
we could open up the nation,
if we only had a test.
We could go bck to the workplace
what we used to call ‘The Rat Race,’
make the Economy secure.
Health care wouldn’t be so spotty,
and we’d all show the antibody,
if we only had a cure.”
“Dad! Dad! Can I –“
“That’s Doctor Dad, to you. I kid, I kid. It’s my youngest. Daddy’s working now, Honey—“
“It looks like you’re just foolin’ around to me. Can I sing too? Let me be in the show!”
“But, Honey, it’s Graduation– Oh, what the hey. Ladies and Gentlemen, my daughter, Fond Du Lac. Ok, right into the mic —“
“Last night I painted a rainbow
Big and wide.
I leaned far out my window,
But I didn’t fall or slide.
Someday I could go for a ride,
find other kids to play outside,
so what if they bug me.
I’d see my grandma like in the past
up close, not through some glass
And she could hug me!
Last night I covered my window
but not with soap.
Lots of paint to make a rainbow
to make a sign of hope.
There. I’m done. Can I watch the Marble Races now, Daddy?”
[Click.]
Stay Healthy, Everybody!
