A Little Bit Of Humour # 290

CHEESE BITES

Even cannibals like cheese
After all it will always please
And their particular partiality
Is for Limburger obviously

THE MEAT MARKETS ARE BUSY # 2

The meat markets are busy
I’d say you can’t go wrong
Horse meat prices are down
But they won’t be furlong

IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 3

It was pitiful to see the calibre
Of the new fast-tracked inspector
I would say he was about as much use
As rubber lips on a woodpecker

TAHOMA AND CALIBRI

Tahoma and Calibri walked into a bar
And were told, “you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
It’s just that we don't serve your type in here”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 432

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating Christmas pie
As he sat on his bum
He pulled out his thumb,
And poked himself in the eye

BEST BEFORE 1980 # 3

I was asked by a practising Buddhist
If I could remember any past lives
I replied I couldn’t confirm yesterday
Without consulting the archives

MY GIRLFRIEND WAS SACKED AS MODEL

My girlfriend was sacked as model
Because her popularity decreased
She was actually an underwear model
So she was more accurately, debriefed

A NEW BROOM SWEEPS CLEAN

A new broom sweeps clean
Is the old modest declaration
A new broom in today’s parlance
Would be sweeping the nation

IT’S OFFENSIVE TO OBJECTIFY

It’s offensive to objectify, even if it’s only sauce
What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce?
What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?

DON'T LOOK FOR A PARTNER WHO IS EYE CANDY

Don't look for a partner who is eye candy
It’s not about the way someone is viewed
The thing to do for a happy life together
Is to look for a partner who is soul food

GETTING ON # 5

You know you have reached old age
When name badges are obligatory
At any and all family gatherings,
Sunday Lunch and holidays especially

THE LAST THING DAD SAID

The last thing Dad said
Before kicking the bucket
Was “How far do you think
I can kick this bucket?”

OLD AGE HAS DEFINITELY ARRIVED WITH A RUSH

Old age has definitely arrived with a rush
When you think you’re having a hot flush
But sadly, not for the first time, you forget
That you switched on the electric blanket

THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY

The Flat Earth Society
Is the subject of a major probe
As it emerged that they
Have members around the globe

ONE DAY OLD AGE WILL ARRIVE

One day old age will arrive
And leave you in despair
For example when your teeth
Are less white than your hair

SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow, I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake

MIDDLE AGED SEAT

I’m in my middle years now
And my new car is a wow
It’s fast, new and sporty
Just the opposite of me
It is sleekly lined
With its curves well defined
It has a nice interior
The leather is quite superior
My only complaint would be
The bucket seats you see
As they are made to the design
Of a smaller bucket than mine

MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow

SENIOR JOINTS

If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead