A Little Bit Of Humour # 289
UNSTABLE CHEESE
The most unstable cheese
Curdled and quackers
Will appear quite sane
In between two crackers
IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A SPACE PARTY
If you want to have a Space party
You should get NASA to “planet”
But even if they agree, their party,
Won’t have any atmosphere I bet
BEST BEFORE 1980 # 2
I decided to Vacuum the house
But for some reason it wasn’t working
I was stumped, it was very frustrating
Then I noticed that it wasn’t plugged in
HYMENOPTERA VILLAIN
Insects are dangerous
That we all know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
One particular specimen
Is the hepatitis bee
SOME YOUTHS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS
Some youths are breaking into cars,
They are reprehensible little devils,
And they do it in multi-story car parks
Which is wrong on so many levels
FUSION MUSIC
There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
Playing Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On a Wobble Board and a Didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
But they call the music Abba-riginal
TWO WHALES WALKED INTO A BAR
Two whales walked into a bar
The first one said "Whiieeeeeaooooooo"
And the second whale retorted
“God you're so pissed Keanu"
GETTING ON # 4
You have reached old age
And you sit around and wonder
Why you rang your friend
To ask him for his new number
I GOT A BARGAIN ON A LOAD OF STEAK # 1
I got a bargain on a load of steak
My competitors pay much higher
They ask where I get my horse steak
But I don’t tell them my mane supplier
PICTURE THIS
The school had been photographed
All of the children and all the staff
The proofs had come back promply
And the teacher’s task was simply
Persuading them to buy a copy then
"Just think how nice it will be when
You will be able to look at it One day
When you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
‘that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back then said
"And there's the teacher, she's dead."
TELL US WHO DID IT
An old man was sitting on a bench
When something caught his view
He stared at a lad who sat next to him
The teenager had spiked hair in myriad hue
He just kept staring at the lad’s hair
It was colored green, red, orange, and blue
The old man just kept staring at him
And the teenager lost his rag as they do
"What's the matter old man”?
He said loud enough for everyone
“You never done anything wild in your life”?
And waited for a reply when he’d done
The old man said without hesitation
Replying as quick as a bullet from a gun
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock
I was just wondering if you were my son"
CHANGING SCHOOLS
Things have certainly changed
Since I was a boy at school
No one carried drugs or knives
Not even the dumbest fool
Any search of pupils in my day
Would merely have resulted in
The seizure of a handful of fags
And the confiscation of a catapult
WHEN I’M SIXTY FOUR
When I’m sixty-four
And your back goes out more than you do
I will still love you
When I’m sixty-four
And your ears are hairier than your head
I will still share your bed
When I’m sixty-four
And you and your teeth no longer sleep together
I will still be your lover
A QUESTION OF HEALTH
If you stopped taking exercise
When you got your first TV remote
And you haven’t eaten lettuce
Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote
If you haven’t seen your feet
Since you were at primary school
And you think that a microwave
Is actually a power tool
If you think that alcohol
Is itself a food group
And you eat more crispy croutons
Than you do low calorie soup
If you answered yes
To any part of this questionnaire
Then someone is reading this
Too you in intensive care
IT WASN’T ME
Everybody is responsible
Never mind what nanny state says
For their own actions
That’s the way it is
We are all responsible for what we do
Except of course for celebrities
BI THE WAY
Just remember when on the prowl
For liaisons casual
Your chances are immediately doubled
If you are bisexual
SENIOR HAIKU
You eat wisely
And you exercise daily
Then die anyway
DING DONG EMAIL
If you get an email with Ding Dong
In the subject, delete it without hesitation
As it will be from the Jehovah’s Witnesses
Working from home for the duration
WE WERE PLAYING CHESS IN THE PARK
We were playing chess in the park
And I heard my opponent saying
“Let’s make this more interesting”
So, we agreed to stop playing
IT WAS PITIFUL TO SEE # 2
It was pitiful to see
He was in a total muddle
He would have been
Out of his depth in a puddle
