A Little Bit Of Humour # 286
FEMINIST CHEESE
Feminists once burned their bras
Which understandably caused a stir
But today we have a feminist cheese
And it’s been named Germaine Gruyere
ONE OF THE FOOTBALL SPECTATORS
One of the football spectators
Obstructed the keepers view
By standing between the posts
But, then that’s Annette for you
A HAND IN MARRIAGE
A humble pack of playing cards
Conceals a secret meaning
Where the suits at least warn
Of a chilling outcome of marrying
First a Heart for him to love you
Next a Diamond to marry them
Thirdly a Club to bludgeon him
And finally, a Spade to bury them
I TRIED DONATING BLOOD TODAY # 2
I tried donating blood today
But the problem on this visit
Were too many stupid questions
For example, where did you get it?
PEDANTIC WIFE
My wife said if I don’t stop
Being pedantic
I’ll have less friends
I turned to her and said
“That’s not true,
I will have fewer friends”
YOU MUFFIN
When young women
Dress with midriff exposed
It can look attractive
To the suitably disposed
But for those ampler
Flesh spills over the top
Of tight waist bands
To look like muffin tops
I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 1
You know you’re getting old
When answering your phone cheerily
There is silence on the other end
And you realize it was on the TV
SEX TOY
In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
I PLUGGED MY ELECTRIC BLANKET INTO THE TOASTER
I plugged my electric blanket into the toaster
Not deliberately, I knew that wouldn’t be right
It really happened by mistake, but it happened
And as a result I kept popping out of bed all night
I DISCOVERED MY FAVOURITE DUCK WAS SICK # 4
I discovered my favourite duck was sick
Unfortunately, his behaviour needs to be adjusted
All though in truth he just doesn't fit in
The medical definition is that he’s Mallardjusted.
REPELLING BOARDERS
She stood at the departure gate
Smiling and checking boarding passes
Dealing with the happy and the mad
The good the bad and the silly arses
When a tottering man approached
She extended her hand for his ticket
When he opened up his rain coat
And blatantly flashed her his wicket
He smiled inanely and swayed about
Having spent too much time in the pub
Without batting an eyelid she said,
"I need to see the ticket not your stub."
AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 1
At my advanced age I’m sometimes
Overwhelmed by the urge to get home
Get into my elastic waisted trousers
And enjoy the comfort of the room
THE LAST SUPPER
Last night at our repast
My wife asked me sincerely
“Why must you eat so fast”?
I replied “you never no really
Which meal will be your last
With your cooking, especially”
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CRAZY BUNNY
The difference between a crazy Bunny
And counterfeit currency
Is simple really, one is a mad bunny
While the other is bad money
THE REF BOOKED HIM
The ref booked him for
Taking his shirt off
As it’s against the rules
To take the refs shirt off
