A Little Bit Of Humour # 281

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 431

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Followed by an average winter
Then he had an indifferent spring
Leading to the most glorious summer

A QUESTION OF BALANCE

My father in law is a pain in the ***
I hope I’m not like him when I’m older
My brother in law is just as bad
A little cockier and certainly bolder
But they’re very balanced individuals
They have a chip on each shoulder

BLUE NUN

Mother Superior called together
All the nuns in the convent
"I must tell you all something”
She began her grave statement
“Sisters we have a case
Of gonorrhoea in our community"
"Thank God," said an old nun
"I'm so sick of Chianti"

CHIRPY, CHIRPY CHEEP, CHEEP

Why do men whistle?
Chirrup chirp and cheep
When they are sitting
On the toilet seat
They seem to whistle through
Every strain and gripe
Does it help them remember?
Which end they need to wipe

TOY BOY

My teenage daughter
Bless her heart came home today
With a Yoyo
I think she said his name was Ray

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat

CONSTITUTIONAL

Old Joe shuffled his way
Along the promenade one day
He decided it was time to stop
As he passed an ice cream shop
He moved slowly and painfully
And climbed on a stool carefully
After catching his breath a bit
Old Joe ordered a banana split
"Crushed nuts?" asked the waitress
"No," he replied, "just arthritis."

HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY

Three old friends walking from
The old folks retirement home
"Windy, isn't it?" said Harry
"No, it's Thursday!" said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
"So am I let's get a beer"

ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT

Why is it sound engineers?
When there’s a gig to do
And they have to test the system
Say one two, one two, one two
And at the end of the gig
When there’s packing up to do
They don’t have any testing
But they’re nowhere in view
I think sound engineers
Can only count up to two
Because if they counted up to three
There would be heavy lifting to do

3 O’CLOCK ALARM CALL

My son is a student
And he still lives at home
But he seems to drink more than he studies
And when he comes home at 3 in the morning much the worse for drink
He cannot differentiate between the bathroom and my wardrobe

My father has Alzheimer’s
And he still lives at home
He spends most of his time in a state of confusion
And when he gets up at 3 in the morning to answer the call of nature
He cannot differentiate between the bathroom and my wardrobe

I am at the end of my tether
I wish I didn’t live at home
Unfortunately, I still have to work for a living
Yet I wake up at 3 in the morning to find my son, my father or both
In my wardrobe pissing in my shoes

PREMATURE FALLASY

Premature ejaculation is a myth, a fallacy
Or more appropriately it’s a phallus-y
Ejaculation is only premature for a woman
Because it’s bang on time if you are a man

EXPLOSIVE CHEESE

The bomb disposal team
Have to handle dangerous cheese
It’s a very delicate process
Which they follow very Caerphilly