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I've been trying to write this entry for a long time, but I get worried if entries like these get too personal. And then I realized, what can anyone do with my thoughts? They could harangue me, tease me, or just ignore me, but the freedom I feel releasing my feelings is too valuable for such a price.

Okay, so in the last entry I mentioned something about being committed to something. You'll probably laugh at me, thinking it's not a big deal, but it is to me. I hardly get the chance to take responsibility or take the next step without asking my parents or my peers if it's okay or not. Sure, help is good, but I felt such a strong vibe for this thing, that I just had to take the first step, blind-folded or not:
My experiences in the past used to really define me. I got influenced easily by other people. I was weak. I had a tendency to keep to myself, and would resort to books as me living life. But after a while, when you get pushed in that water, you start swimming down, yourself, so I had become slightly depressed when I got to high school. Now, I've become sort of robotic. I feel a rush of emotions and start acting like a circuit shorted and then I faze out, just like that. My metal armor stops any influence (good or bad) from becoming part of me.
I'm not sad, I don't want too many people around me, I don't want to be angry at my dad anymore, I want to stop worrying for once. All this, I want to resolve-- Why aren't I sad nowadays? People see bad grades and they cry; I laugh. I've become so unaffected by things. I see them as little things that won't matter in life. I know that there's injustice happening in the school and I am very close to blowing up to the "evil" around me and heavily protesting. I don't care anymore of these dumb consequences, because the authority has become much of a superego who won't leave us kids alone. They're at fault, so nothing really matters to me. I see highly esteemed community members as some part of a conspiracy to just rot my school to the core. We try to change, we try to progress, but we're barred to even take the first step, because it doesn't comply with some unwritten school policy.
Since I can't take control of such external problems, I've realized that I must take charge to change myself, to develop myself. I want to start learning-- not getting educated, I really mean learning. I want to jump out of the classroom and give each and every student daisies, and run outside with them to the grass and sit and think. I want us to see the clouds, not read about the semblance of the clouds. You could do only so much to describe a melting ice cube, but if you don't live like the melting ice cube, you won't ever understand. So I want to know what I am...not through only one facet. I want to channel every resource.
And this resource will start with understanding my faith. I mean, really knowing my faith. I want to know what the love of God is...I've been taught things through books and such, but now, all that ever did was discourage me to love God. I saw God, fabricated in a few lines whose purpose was to teach me how I should worship God. Those lines never told me what God is to me, because I didn't author those books. I've read books that were thought provoking, but they never let me step outside of bounds and stop and think. Even prayer became a forced thing, not a purely true symbol of my love. Now, I want to pursue His infinite mercy, His infinite love for mankind. I want to understand myself and trust myself to go on this pursuit.
So I'm getting help from a guide right now...He's a spiritual teacher, who has so much concern for others, it's remarkable. He gets sick just getting worried for the students in my school; he wants to help, and that's what his purpose is, in helping me. So he's not gonna push me to take such and such choices, he's there to support me in whatever I do. He's there to teach my the "how"s and "why"s that I've always had in my heart. I've tried figuring myself out alone, but it never works unless you are very strong. I have extreme mistrust of myself, because no one else ever put me under situations where I had to develop myself.
So I've been writing letters, lots of them, with extremely disjointed thoughts and stories about myself...and he's been very understanding. And, he applauded my effort to go somewhere...he wants me to have a strong foundation though, before I move on. I do have cracks and potholes in my intentions and motives, so I need to fix that to build upon it. Everytime, in the past, when I'd try to build a long structure on this meager base, it would fall and crash at some point. That's quite dangerous...I could've been suicidal, if I hadn't returned to my senses before. And he wants to know what my intention is in doing this. And I'll tell him exactly what I told you...because all this is from my mind and not those physicalities that used to plague my brain and rot it with uselessness and superficiality.
I'm happy, and that's all that matters