https://www.online-literature.com/forums/blog.php?8709-Barmy-Blue-s-Bland-Blog The largest classic literature discussion forum on the Internet. Read Write Teach Share. en Thu, 04 Jun 2026 20:55:51 GMT vBulletin 10 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg https://www.online-literature.com/forums/blog.php?8709-Barmy-Blue-s-Bland-Blog https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15589-Continued Fri, 16 Sep 2022 01:33:05 GMT This follows from part 1

They're sealed up the roof. Re set/replaced tiles. There was a broken one in the picture. and replaced the front guttering. And our roof tile disappeared. (there's been a spare roof tile in the front garden since I was young. Originally it was used to prop up an extension to the down pipe but it doesn't really work for that so we just left it next to the pipe) It went missing. I'm a little sad about it because it's always been there but I had thought of letting them know we had a spare if one needed replacing (I didn't because I didn't need to) and I kind of liked the idea of it finally joining it's siblings on the roof. So it's missing but looking at the pictures of the finished roof I spy one tile that's a little red while the other's are a dull brown from time and I don't see anything that looks like a patch on that broken one. I haven't asked to have it confirmed but I think it's reasonable to assume that they used the spare to replace that broken one. So I'm a little happy/sad about it.

They finished yesterday but forgot about the guttering issue at the side (which I don't blame them for. The original plan changed and the main focus was sealing up the roof and we did stress originally that we were most concerned about the main leak inside)
They came an fixed it today. It was going to be tomorrow but they did it today. We do worry if it's because mum wasn't comfortable paying today and she'd be at work tomorrow so would leave the payment with me and I'd do the invoice and such.
But it's all dealt with now and now we just need to see how well it all holds up under heavy rain. I don't expect problems.
End sum about £8000. It's very nice not to be anxious about the rain though, assuming all is well. The scaffolding should come down next week which is good but also kind of a shame because spiders have made some impressive webs on it.

There are little things to note perhaps but that's the bulk of the story.

Oh also I'm concerned about scammers partly because I've heard horror storied on Watchdog and we had those random guys break a tile then scarpered when we told them my dad was a builder and he came and fixed it that day. I wrote the full story up here at the time with a title something like Rogue Traders if you're interested.

Also they warned us about scammers and introduced us to the workers so we knew who they were (I took pictures of most of them, with consent, to recognize them/report them if they were frauds) and also they left some sharp sand and cement and a ladder out front over the weekend (foolishly I thought but I'm paranoid and if they weren't worried then I wouldn't worry. The ladder was up on the scaffolding to not easy to just take but I worried and checked it regularly and completely forgot about the sand/cement) Well the sand/cement got taken over the weekend. I remember it being there for 2 nights but after that I'm not sure so I think it went missing some time on Sunday. They didn't have any more so had to go and buy some to continue.
They were all very nice, got on with the job and I have only one little complaint. They didn't meticulously clear up after themselves. There were some bits of plastic wrapping in the garden, a few bits of metal offcuts and the connector for the drainpipe, they left one of those on the roof. But it should come down eventually. Oh and there was a yellow Fanta can in the climbing rose but I can't confirm it was theirs. It wasn't a big deal. I put it in the recycling. There is a bit of mess still, they bagged up the rubbish in the corner but I guess that will be dealt with and if they don't it's not a big deal, we can dispose of it.


By the way. It's a good thing I usually keep a copy of my blog until it's actually posted. I usually preview a long one to make sure the word limit doesn't catch me out. Too long. Fair enough. But the text was erased. Paste. It's fine. But imagine if I didn't always copy paste. I've had that before and I don't doubt that it'll happen again eventually ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15589-Continued https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15588-When-It-Rains-It-Pours-Literally Fri, 16 Sep 2022 01:28:12 GMT I've had things to note since last time but I wanted to sit in silence for a while. And then the big thing happened and it seemed inappropriate but maybe better to write now than later.
I don't want to talk about my dog yet except for one thing. It was still Summer and it hadn't rained for quite some time. When...the deed was done it rained. heavily but not for too long. It either started just as it was done but I'm pretty sure it was a little after while we were spending some time with.......the remains. Also we've had her cremated and the result is sat on her bed in the living room with us. It just looks like it belongs there.

We noticed nothing amiss on that day.
A day or two later, mum was at work so I'm sure it was a Friday but looking back Wednesday it right. Yes it was Wednesday. "The deed" was done on Monday. Calling it that makes it sound like completely the opposite thing.
Anyway. 2 days after the poignant rain it rained heavily again. And this time water leaked in. Now to be fair we've had a leak for YEARS in the spare room but couldn't get to it without clearing it out and my dad wouldn't have done anything about it anyway (he was still alive then). And the last year or two. or three the guttering I can see from my window has been steadily collapsing and THIS year has buckled to the point that water can't run down it to the drain but sits there. dripping at first and now trickling onto the kitchen window. Last year I tried to seal the window frame with mortar and bathroom sealant (which was not wise to sue but it's all I had at the time and I hoped it would seal the window itself, it's a wooden frame. It's older than I am though) I've been dreading every time it might rain and hoping it stayed off (which is tricky because it's been our driest summer so far and we HAVE desperately needed the rain) and the rain trickle hits the window and seeps into the kitchen (but that part of the kitchen needs clearing so we can't actually get to it)
So we've been needing someone to do the guttering because we don't have a ladder long enough for me to attempt to fix it (not that I could anyway as you will learn) for at least 2 years or so but increasingly so more recently.
Then a leak happened indoors that wasn't the first 2.
It was coming in at the top of the stairs on the dividing wall between us and next door and there was NOTHING we could do to stop it. It came in under the wallpaper but...hang on I'm a little ahead chronologically, just a tiny bit.
It was late afternoon. Raining heavily. It might actually have stopped/been stopping. I went to the toilet and found water on the floor. Odd. Did that overflow pipe thing leak? I don't see how, there's a bucket under it and it only drips ever so slightly when the cistern is full so we don't let it fill by flushing a little more often (before it was only when there was something "solid" to flush/a decent amount of toilet paper that might clog it we let it keep growing, mainly to save water. It's not like anyone comes over to see it, of course if they did then we WOULD flush decent amount of paper or not. The fill valve/ballcock just doesn't completely shut off. I think it's a little stiff/rusted so it doesn't float at the very top and when it doesn't do that the toilet thinks it needs more water so it just keeps filling. It's only a constant drip so it takes a while to fill and there's a little pipe at the top for overflow but there's a tiny crack in the seal of it so when the water is just high enough to reach the overflow it drips out of the side instead. We flush in the evening to be sure and it hasn't leaked again yet (it will of course, in the future))

I got distracted. I don't want to give up on this but I'm not sure how much I want to finish it. The flow's interrupted.
Oh. Yeah. Discovering the leak.
So the toilet floor. It would've had to have been quite a severe leak and the bucket was empty anyway. It was dripping from the ceiling. I'd put the light on to see better and it functioned but looked a bit off somehow. Turned it off and went to get absorbent supplies. Thought about it a bit and put the light on again. Flickering. ****ing hell turn it off quick and get the bulb out of the fitting. It's a low ceiling thankfully, the only bulb I can reach without a step of some kind. Yup. Drippy bulb. Not a lot but enough. ANY water and household light fixtures is bad.
Thankfully Mum had flooded the bathroom a bit a few weeks before and we'd left all the kitchen roll there rather than throwing it away because it could still be used for something, like mopping up another leak (good thing too because I couldn't find the fresh roll). It had dried of course. What happened there? Mum had been using the sink to soak some clothes, they'd blocked the overflow and she hadn't turned the tap off properly. You have to turn it REALLY hard. It was trickling while we were playing Mario together and we didn't notice until a while later when we heard a noise (it was water dripping into the kitchen) we went up, turned it off, put down a lot of kitchen roll and left it to dry as it was a hot day and the floor's linoleum anyway, it's just not sealed at the edges (how could it be?) so that's why the drip.
So I used that for the toilet. It had stopped raining or at least eased off. Dried the floor and left the kitchen roll there for later. Coming out of the toilet I noticed it had dripped down the dividing wall and was quite a bright orange (rust and stuff) so put some kitchen roll there and left it for mum to see in some of it's full horror when she got home. It was only an hour or so to go and the rain had stopped.
I showed it to her.
The ceiling up there is sloped so it naturally ran down to the toilet and seeped into the window frame (another one that's wooden and older than me).
It didn't rain for a while.
We called my dad's friend (you might remember him as Boiler Man) to see if he could recommend someone, since we can't call my dad anymore/ I've wondered/worried for years about what we'd do when he died. (How do normal people get work done without encountering scammers? Since he was a builder he could either fix the thing (well enough at least) or knew someone in that trade and him being him he'd probably pay for it because "it's easier that way". About this time (you know when you remember something because there was a trigger but then you wonder if it REALLY is a memory since you don't remember making it and wonder if maybe you imagined it? About that time I suddenly recalled that I mentioned this to my dad over the phone, probably before "the big reveal" when I actually wanted to be talking to him because these memories would be all I had left when he died. And he'd said to call "Boiler Man" and I think about steadily going down a chain of recommendations over time until you get to someone you wouldn't recommend yourself but they were recommended by someone who trusted someone who trusted someone who trusted someone who trusted someone that you trusted)
We called him. He gave us the number of someone. We contacted that someone. I took pictures and texted them to him and we never heard back. To be fair I think we're out of his usual area of operation/at the edge of it at least and he obviously would have had other work to do and human error is always a factor and we didn't want to hound the man so he probably forgot about us.
Oh I forgot to say that we thought we'd pinpointed the leak because a but of flashing (it's actually render) was loose at exactly the same point that the water might have come in (at the dividing wall) and i could see it clearly from my room so I took pictures and there was a piece of something on the roof too (another piece of render that had come off but higher up where I couldn't see)
We waited, anxious ANY time it might rain. Light rain was fine. Heavy rain was not. We thought the angle of the rain made a difference like it did with the spare room drip (Don't get attached to that theory).
I taped bin bags to the wall and piled the used kitchen roll on it so absorb the water before it would escape (you know because water doesn't sit still if there's too much or ANY kind of angle to direct it) that used kitchen roll still proving it's worth for leaks (obviously it had dried again since the last time it was used)
I was angry and frustrated by the whole situation. I'd looked it up. EMERGENCY roofers are a thing. Just call one of those (it was mum's job to do though because she can talk to other humans, she's the home owner and she'd be the judge of the financial situation). But the very nature of EMERGENCY work lets people know your desperate so I did worry that scammage could result. I didn't research too much though because it wasn't my choice to make and I didn't trust myself to make the right choice anyway (quite often with thins like this I seem to make the wrong choice).
Conveniently one of those flyers was put through the door that we've ALWAYS thrown away because we never needed them when we had my dad in existence.
A roofing firm.
How serendipitous. And the recommendation wasn't getting back to us and Summer was ending and the rainy period was getting ever closer and what happens in winter would it freeze? and the timbers will rot and the ceiling will collapse and what if they can't work in the rain? such anxiety please lets just get this done while we can.
So she called them.
A friendly but VERY talkative guy came round. We showed him out main concern, the new leak, spoke about the old ones because might as well get those fixed if someone was going to be on the roof anyway.
Sure we can do that job for you. Replace the guttering, fix that leak and something about felt having probably been folded rather than being done right and replacing it with drip trays. We had explained that when I told my dad about the spare room leak he'd said there was a problem with that bit and he'd done something and folded something and it had worked well enough at the time but he knew it might not last but never did anything about it.

Also ay one point I'd been looking up repairing a roof from the inside (wouldn't work for us but it was nice to know it's possible in some circumstances) but maybe I could crawl through the loft and put some sort of tray to catch the drip before it ran through the ceiling. The whole of the roof is not accessible from the inside. My dad had put wooden panels up to make a good enough room for his trains and things. I figured I could remove a panel, I'd have to crawl/snake and it would be HIDEOUSLY filthy, through to the leak and maybe put a tray there. I could have a look at least. Well I had a look and no. It's impossible. Seems there's kind of 2 parts to the roof. The main bit where you can stand up that is the loft and the bit at the back where it turns out you can't even crawl and there's pipes up there and the roof felt of the main bit comes right down so you couldn't pass it anyway and I sure as heck wasn't going to try and cut a hole that wouldn't even work anyway.

So we waited.
Scaffolding was delayed.
Then scaffolding went up. We assumed the roofers would start right away. No. It was a Friday. They started Monday. Fair enough. You don't start a new job Friday, leave it for the weekend then pick it up (that's another one of those memories I forgot but triggered by the event. I'm sure I've heard my dad say something like that before)
They were delayed Monday but that whole thing did give me time to get the back gate to work (it's so terribly warped that it was IMPOSSIBLE to open. I had to chisel, sand and SAW bits off to get it to open let alone close again. Oh I also hit it with a hammer to force it open (the door was kind of in front of the frame and warped so that's why it was impossible) I also oiled the hinges, not that it helped much since the bottom one was rusted shut and the screws so rusted I couldn't undo it all. But I got it functional). I cleared Fox Alley of debris and with the extra day I swept it too so it was better underfoot. Of course out of Fox Alley was not so nice. It's a tight corner with debris I can't move and a VERY overgrown climbing rose. I cut some of it back but if I take too much I'm worried that would kill it. It's my mum's and it's the last rose we have (we used to have all different roses lining the garden when I was little but due to steadily decreasing gardening and VERY determined blackberries that we didn't even plant they just sprang up. the roses steadily died and the last one was finished off after paving slabs were dumped on it and it got shaded out by trees, that we also didn't plant).

So when they did cone they were up there a couple of hours then needed to speak to us. I was offered the chance to go and inspect myself. I took it (it's 2 floors, ground and first but I've been on first floor scaffolding painting windowsills for my dad and I really liked it up there. It all felt very secure because the ladder was bolted on. I didn't like the first ladder because it was just a step ladder (the first ladder should ALWAYS either be removable or covered when not in use for safety but the second couldn't be accessed without the first so it could be firmly bolted in place. I felt completely unfazed knowing that I was safe. If it had been flimsy I would not have been comfortable at all)). As long as I know I'm safe I have no problem with heights. The structure is sturdy or someone's holding it (who can't pull some kind of dumb prank) or at least watching to make sure I'm safe/offer advice/ try to help if there's a problem or call for help if I do fall, then I'm perfectly happy.
They did try to assure me that I didn't have to go up and it was fine and they could take pictures. But I assured them that as long as i was safe I wasn't bothered and I've been trained on ladders pretty much as soon as I could walk (well a bit after). As soon as I was able I would go in the loft with my dad on weekends. Originally he'd have me go up first and he's be right behind me to protect me or he'd go down first for the same reason and he's tell me to hold the ladder and when I was old enough not to need him to protect me he'd still instruct me to hold the ladder properly. So yeah. In my mind this was just a much bigger version of that. The guy at the bottom held it and the guy at the top held it and he instructed me to hold the scaffolding when I could reach at the top for security and going down to do the same thing. They showed me some of the issues and he took my phone to take pictured of the back for us because while I'm fine with secure ladders I was not confident nor trained to walk on a sloped roof. And also the reason they stopped and wanted to show us is because it's rotten. And the ridge tiles were out of sorts too.
The guttering bit (called facias) was rotten (they're wood) some of the tiles were cracked/loose the felt had been damaged (with both time and leaks) and the thing we thought was causing the leak wasn't the actual problem, it was just a symptom. Basically the water got in though various little points and channeled/pooled. Also a bit on the dividing bit at the front should have been waterproofed accordingly but was just spare roof felt painted with bitumen which had worn off over time making the felt degrade and it was crumbling. THIS was, at least part of, the problem with the spare room. And THAT was what my dad had spoken of. AND it triggered ANOTHER memory. A couple of years ago there was a thing on the roof. I say thing because we didn't know what it was. It looked like a flopped over scrap of carpet. It was still there one time my dad was here and I showed it to him and he said it was a bit of felt (but I forgot that bit because I didn't have context for it) that had come off. and he NEVER did anything about it nor did he even seem remotely concerned. Typical. That felt eventually came off the roof at some point.

So this was all a HUGE problem. Basically to be done right the whole roof needs replacing. I tried to look it up. Estimates $5000-6000 but it's more for London but I don't know when that was written or what kind of roof it was for.
They gave us a new quote.
£30,000
We can't afford that.
What with prices of everything going up, up ever up maybe it would have been cheaper a year ago, who knows.
But no. Can't afford that. Also that's a BIG job and the rain is coming. But then again how rotten is the roof? Could it collapse on us? Who knows.
They could kind of patch it up for considerably less but that is only guaranteed for 5 years so let's hope the prices of everything goes down considerably by then because that's the option we picked.

Why so long? *sigh* This will be part 1 ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15588-When-It-Rains-It-Pours-Literally https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15584-The-Time-Has-Come Fri, 12 Aug 2022 01:53:17 GMT On Saturday we went swimming. Yuki REALLY needed to go. She's been a bit trippy and stumbly. It was either supposed to be just a dash cooler or at least more tolerable than this weekend. It was HOT and SUNNY. We got her to hydrotherapy well enough. She was reluctant to go through the gate but I think that's because she was sniffing. Swim Lady had a girl doing work experience today. We didn't talk much. The life jacket went on. Swim lady went up first as normal to get in the pool. Yuki was stubborn and didn't want to go so I had to help/encourage/sort of lift her up the step to the ramp. I let her go so I could step up. And then she fell. Hard. Her left leg went in severely and her face went down. Basically the nearest a dog can get to a "faceplant" without actually "faceplanting". I helped her up, steadied her, tried to soothe her, held her. It's okay. It seems okay. You see THIS is why she really NEEDED to swim. And then I noticed her lip. It was bleeding. A lot. And her big crusty scab was hanging off a bit. Mum takes over and dabs her mouth with a wet tissue (because if i try I'll either get angry or bitten or both because she's hurt and scared). Swim lady gives mum kitchen roll. I threaten to take over if she bites mum (because she's on blood thinners). And the work experience girl leaves. The bleeding slows. Swim lady gets the lifejacket off and hoses down the floor. It's just not safe for Yui to swim now. She could get infected or another dog could pick up an infection from the blood in the water. Even if it's just a tiny tiny chance it's not worth the risk. I get Yui outside while the other two (mum and swim lady) deal with things inside. This is the last week for hydrotherapy for a while because she's going on holiday for 2 weeks and the other Swim Lady (there were 2) actually finished last week. Onto bigger and better things I assume but we didn't ask. Outside Yuki shook her head and the big scab was thrown to the floor. It looked pretty disgusting. Because it was dark but also bloody and had shed chin fur trapped in it it looked like a piece of lip. I checked. It was just the scab. So yeah. No swim. We'll see how things are in 2 weeks (spoiler, it's not happening). It was too hot to the park or the river and not wise with the bleeding anyway. Mum blames herself for not cancelling due to the heat (also Yui's not been eating recently. I've managed to come up with a system she'll eat so she ate the night before swimming so we figured we'd try it because she did need to go). I blame myself for not holding her. I usually let her go up the ramp and either encourage from behind or go ahead and pull her up. It's not out of place that I wasn't holding her at that point (There's a ramp to get up into the pool, this wasn't IN the pool, just so you know). If I'd just held her (the lifejacket has a handle on top for lifting/directing if needs must) she'd be okay (well not really. It would be the same but slower without the inciting incident). She was already bleeding just a little in the car. We didn't see it before so we think it started in transit. She's been bleeding just a little before. That's not unusual. Anyway.

When she wasn't eating Mum had been getting worried. She checks Yui's breathing (that used to be a sort of joke before because she'd lay still and I didn't want to disturb her for no reason so I'd have to see if her side was moving and I'd go "still breathing" but as she got older and her problems arose it didn't like tempting fate by saying it anymore and it was mainly something I did. Maybe mum did it too but didn't say it. She told ne the day before Yui ate she was very slow and plodding, more than usual, and not very alert in the park and she thought this was it. But then Yui ate her food with as much enthusiasm as she can show these days and it settled us a bit). She gets fed twice a day but with the heat and her gum hole and maybe just age I guess, lack of activity she just doesn't eat much. So she's noticeably lost weight. You can feel it.
But then I invented The Layer Cake. A masterful creation of 2 pouches of Caesar senior (a brand of small dog food) with a crushed nuggie (that's what we call nuggets of freeze-dried turkey, beef or lamb but these ones were all turkey because it doesn't feel a little fatty when I crumble it like the others) and a slice of dangle meat topped with more nuggie dust in-between the jelly food (which is solid slabs), topped with more nuggie for fun and the overhang of turkey peeled off and I tore it up and rolled up her thyroid pill in it and rolled another bit as a decoy "turkey rolls". I cut the layer cake into quarters and then chopped those into little squares and stirred them a bit then put the "turkey rolls" on top with a slice of dangle meat as an appetizer.
I did this because we decided to change when she's fed and see if that works. Before she was fed when mum came home and before we went to bed. Maybe the feedings were a bit close together (especially since mum doesn't feed her when she gets home anymore and it can be 8 or even 9pm before the feeding then 3-5am for the last feed). So I feed her when I get up. Well I got up late so it was after I took her out for a wee. But it worked and she ate. The reason I don't feed her is because Mum keeps a diary of what and how much Yui eats and poos and it was just easier for her to do the feeding then since I never pay attention to weight. She left the pouches out for me before she left for work so she knew what and how much it was an I filled her in on my additions. There might have been dry food in the first feed too, there has been in all the others. I've been leaving her just a little dry food in case she gets hungry later and might want to eat it. She never does.
She ate it all. So as it was such a great success I've been assigned to do it again. It's increased to 3 pouches and I've started slipping in her joint supplements too because she east most if not all of my food but not all of mum's bed time feed, maybe half. I mix it up. I give her bonus nuggies and yesterday I gave her a bunch of treats including little treat sized nuggies. She's a strange beast. They're the same but smaller but she won't just eat a nuggie anymore but she will eat the treat ones. Originally we only had the lamb ones just for a treat before her tooth surgery. I, very annoyingly, went for a cutesy voice when introducing them and called it wamb, as in lamb but l is w to be "cutesy" I sort of like it and sort of regret it but I'm committed to it now. We have some beef ones too and she seemed a bit bored of the "wamb" so I opened them and she went for them and I've ended up calling them "baby beef". Well spoiler she's not eaten it tonight but I fed her much later today.
We've been giving her one day on and one day off of painkiller and mum booked her in to see the vet today. The gum keeps bleeding on and off and it has left smears on her beds and she gets blood in her water. When she's laying flat I drop a little salt water on it. Given how delicate it is i don't want to shoot it at her like I usually would, that was more to get debris out anyway. She puts up with it well enough but I always worry about her ingesting it even though it's not much.

We went to the vet today. To get straight to the point. It's time. She's in pain and it's not going to get better. It's cruel to let her suffer. She we're advised to get her put down. I can't say we've not been expecting it. We've been steadily anticipating it for years. She's about 14 and a half. She's well surpassed the average husky life expectancy. Still it caught me off guard at least. You don't NEED to put a dog to sleep unless their legs go, their brain goes, they're not eating or drinking or they're terminally ill, Well that's the things you might see at least. Pain is subjective so it's harder to measure and she can't TELL us how much pain she's in. It's the right thing to do. I've been expecting it but decided not to think about it too much until I had to. Now and then I've thought of it. And the pros and cons when it happens. Not in detail. But now I am.
Not having a dog anymore (the less painful way of saying dead dog);
Cons
- I won't go walking
- I won't have to get up
- Not walking means I won't see the local cats as much
- We'll have all this dog stuff/food to do something with. We won't be able to give it all to the foxes
- Emotions, that's a lot to unpack so it's easier to just call it that
- I won't have my dog...our dog anymore

Pros
- We can go out and not worry about the dog (there's plans for the family to meet in September and I wondered how the dog would be. We could even go on holiday if we wanted)
- HUGE monetary savings (food, medication, hydrotherapy, vet, petrol to go to these places/get these things water even)
- The environment (just to feed a dog means a lot of extra meat consumed and people say that's a thing)
- We could have another pet, like a cat (huskies and cats do not mix apparently) or anything else (not right away of course. When/if we're ready)
- We could redecorate or something
- More floor space (her beds take up quite a bit of space)
- Halloween (if I choose to do it i don't have to shut her in the living room so I can open the door for just one night and she acts like I'm the most evil being in the world for not letting her in the hallway)
- She's not in pain anymore. She'll never suffer again

A grey area, depends on how you look at it but it's a positive. Mostly. I guess
- I don't have an excuse not to get a job anymore. And really what else am I going to do with my time?

So yeah. That's how things are. Mum's thinking Monday. I agree. It gives us some time but isn't too long and it's mum's day off because we need to drive her there.

There are some things I want.
- I want to groom her and give her a bit of a wash.
- I want her to have all the dangle meat she wants (we have a packet of 6 slices for each day and a little extra)
- Painkiller if not every day then every other day
These are the main wants.
Bonus wants, less important but might be nice
- We got her a new cool bed, it's only been used once because it needs cleaning, I want her to have it again before the end
- I want to clean her other water bowl so she has 2 water bowls with her food and the little one she doesn't use anymore but it's still there if she needs it

Also she had blood round her bum hole this morning. The vet said it was probably from an anal gland and if it's just the once it shouldn't be anything to worry about (well, it won't be a problem for long if all goes to plan)
We didn't make the plan then. Mum wondered if we should have it done then. No. So we left it at that. When we're ready but not too long, the vet wouldn't push us on it. But I think, all being well, Monday will be best. I just hope the vet will be able to do it then.

It doesn't help that I've been overall a bit sad lately, my usual sad. Enough to well up but not actually cry. Just because. Overall unhappiness, grief and all, worry perhaps.
I had to get up early to go to the vet so I ended up with maybe 4 hours sleep. And we planned to do shopping today as well. I went back to bed. Thought about things. I didn't actually cry until I said it all out loud. Because I don't cry around people and might even be coldly matter of fact in what I do say I may come across as cold and unfeeling. Mum thinks I'm stronger than her. I'm not. In fact I'm more emotional. I pick up other's emotions or at least what I perceive to be their emotions. I'm just very good at self soothing and rationalizing. Once again I find myself wanting to feel nothing. Thing is you can't have joy without despair. So not shut my emotions off permanently. Just for these times.
On the subject of despair. The dog was one of the key reasons not to do something stupid in the future. I'm not saying I would. Just that the dog was a reason not to and a strong one at that. Now the only one left is my mum. There are of course other reasons but the beings closest to me were/are the strongest, the key reasons to never consider doing something stupid.
Another reason to get a job or something. Gain more beings to be my reasons not to do something stupid. That and the economy and all. Winter is set to be expensive.

So yeah. That's how things are. I've woven a narrative to tell Yuki, not that she knows. She'll have all these nice things and then we're going to the vet for a special procedure that will make her feel all better and then we're going on a journey (I just don't tell her that she'll go on a different journey to us, that is death/afterlife if such a thing exists and ours will be grief. She doesn't need to know that. She might even get to meet some of the family and friends. Maybe our old pets and some of her friends that died and maybe even my human family, deceased. Everyone would definitely love her I'm sure of it. I doubt the hamsters would care, the cats wouldn't be happy but I'm sure she'd be best friends with the dog).
Anyway. I'm done now.

There's some big road works/changes scheduled to start on Monday which will be annoying. Now I'm done. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15584-The-Time-Has-Come https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15582-Well-Hello-Again Wed, 03 Aug 2022 03:22:50 GMT Are these titles a bit too odd for the subject matter? This is the continuation of my list of things I wanted to tell you but never wrote about at... Are these titles a bit too odd for the subject matter?
This is the continuation of my list of things I wanted to tell you but never wrote about at the time. But at least it hasn't been a year. That would probably be 3-5 posts

How am I doing? (don't worry this ties into the estate agents) Annoyed. indifferent. And I still get sad but it only goes as far slightly watery eyes but I'm not sad enough to properly cry. It just takes too much effort and I have to hold onto and keep churning the sadness around to actually start crying. It's just not worth it until I'm actually at a crying level of sadness. It doesn't happen often, even before...everything. Most of the time I don't notice that he doesn't exist anymore. But sometimes a thing comes up and for a split second it's normal and I start thinking I'll have to ask/tell him about this and before I can complete the thought I remember oh, I can't. Well never mind. Either figure it out yourself or move on. I hadn't given THEM much though. Until June I think. SHE got in touch with my Mum and said we need to inform the land registry about the death. That was more complicated than we thought because we needed a number we didn't have so we have to pay to see the more advanced information regarding the house and it will be in there and then we use that to fill in the form. And then right after that she tells my Mum that she was just told that we need to get the house valued for inheritance tax. Now I'd looked this up in March. You don't have to pay inheritance tax if the deceased's estate is £325,000 or less. But since I didn't know anything about my father's financials except that he planned to leave me some money (and because I'm unemployed it's trickier to leave it to me without tax. I thought at the time what does it matter? Just let them have the tax. Since I don't work I don't pay tax and I feel bad about that. And besides I'd rather you NOT die (despite how you've hurt me and don't know it) than have tax free inheritance and I feel displeased that you're also leaving some to HER children too (even though they have their own father to leave them stuff but they don't want anything to do with him (wow you're generation really ****ed up marriage and relationships with your kids didn't you) even though it makes sense you'd leave them something even though I envy the time they had with you that should have been mine and they knew you were shacked up with their mother but I was kept in the dark about it as you can see THAT whole thing does still bother me and I think it always will)) and he owned half of the house that should go straight to my Mum with no issue as his still legal spouse AND joint owner of the house. So there was absolutely no point thinking/worrying about inheritance tax until I had more information. Neither of us is the executor. SHE is. So we had to wait for HER to tell us what to do.
So the house had to be valued because half of it is part of my father's estate. Guess what a rough guestimate of the house is just based on location and rough size.
£660,000. HALF OF THE HOUSE IS BASICALLY THE THRESHOLD!!!!!!!
AND it's not his only property. SHE told my mum what we need 2 estate agent valuations and SHE'D been looking around for ones to do them for free (most of them are free, well the bigger companies at least). So we can assume that if SHE needed a valuation too then the bastard either owned or had joint ownership. By the way. This all drives up the overall value of the deceased's estate which means you have to pay MORE. Currently it's 40% of the estate you have to pay. WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAGALLY SEPERATE 20 ****ING YEARS AGO YOU LAZY BASTARD? He did once mention divorce when he was telling mum about him getting his affairs in order and she said why would we get divorced? THIS is why. But I've looked deeper and been able to calm myself but learning that it's the executor's job to pay the tax. Good luck with that "Sharon". Though we will have to pay our percentage to her so she can pay it I'm sure because we shouldn't be petty. But still it's a thought that gives me a twisted pleasure even though it will come back to bite me later. Despite the valuation my Mum SHOULD still get his half of the house tax free but still. It was a lot of bother. Also you have to start paying the tax 6 months after the death even if the estate isn't fully valued. You have a year to have the estate fully valued. So my internet research tells me.
But we still needed a valuation. Which meant strangers had to come and poke around EVERY room in the house so there's no safe place to hide stuff. We had to clean the house. Bearing in mind the the house being embarrassingly untidy is why we stopped letting people come round and that was in my youth. Things have gotten much worse since then and we had a month maybe to get this all done because the 6 months was looming. There was only one option. Shove EVERYTHING that I could in the loft. It's completely wasted space. My father kept his trains up there. I used to play up there on weekends with him. It's a place that had happy memories with him that is UNTAINTED buy "the big ****ing secret conspiracy ****". Putting the first bags up there was oddly painful. But it's not like it was. It's been abandoned for years. It had leaks. A squirrel nested up there, well somewhere in the roof anyway. He moved out all of the stuff he actually wanted and he later on got rid of/traded in those trains and things because they stopped doing that gauge and he moved to a better one (treated his precious trains like he treated his family) so it's not the same as it was when I was little. When my dad told me how to climb a ladder safely and went down before me to protect me if I slipped and I was small enough to crawl under the.....not table...surface? he kind of built legs/supports into the floor all blocky to have the track on top. But still. I was small enough to crawl under. For context I couldn't even SLIDE under it now even if both myself and all surfaces were greased. He had to step over and when I got to big too crawl under I had to put in considerable effort to climb over. Now it was just a minor inconvenience because I was going over with boxes and suitcases and I wondered how I ever fitted under there. It was painful because this is the place I associate most with him and I'll never see him again and that's sad AND because I'd be filling this precious place with bags of crap we don't have time to sort through and throw out. After the first bag it wasn't a problem though and it kind of became a twisted pleasure to fill the space with crap (and VERY precious things I'll never willingly throw away even though I forgot they existed for a decade or so). I'd raised the subject of using the loft for storage once or twice when he was alive and he was adamant it not happen. Fine. It didn't. Until you were dead and couldn't object anymore. It shouldn't be a problem. Normal people store things in their loft. Usually Christmas decorations and precious things like baby stuff for example. That's what normal people do.
I found a bunch of what I call "treasure" it's things I consider precious, some of it actually should be thrown away but it has a memory or a time and I refuse to throw it out. Several times I nearly cried but didn't have the time. There's a bag of toys. I remember them. I haven't seen them for so long (they were buried in the spare room) but they were mine and I played with them and loved them and they were so special to me. It was almost like finding myself, the me I'd forgotten and only vaguely remember, the happy little girl who didn't understand anything, that which I kind of wish to be again (but to do so would probably be the result of a horrific brain injury or something. As much as I idolize and miss my childhood, to actually and realistically go back to it is next to impossible, the closest I can imagine is that a horrific brain injury locks me into a child like mental state and that's not something to wish for). Anyway. It was really hot in the loft. Coming out of it was like stepping into a cool bath. Well not quite that dramatic but the difference was noticeable.
I knew we'd never get it presentable for strangers. If you'd seen it before you'd go wow it's a lot tidier but if you're only just coming to it you'll go wow, these people really need to tidy up/throw stuff out. So yeah. It was never going to be "I'm not embarrassed to show people this" and certainly not in a month. My only aim was for access to all rooms. Particularly the spare room (We haven't been able to actually get into the room for years). I achieved that, just about. I kind of did the kitchen. I found actual rubbish to get rid of AND treasure (most notable was 3 exercise books belonging to my grandmother. 2 had sugar packets she'd collected on her travels (because some of the European ones were very pretty, ours were kind of boring) and odd thing for a diabetic to collect (I don't think she had it at the time) and one very special one she wrote poems in that was a super special find. We have her handwriting, about things that she felt worthy to be written about. You can't say that's not special). Actually the first thing I did was "fix" the bookshelf. It was full of folders that I was told was my dad's old accounts and could be thrown away. But you never know when you'll need a document so is it wise to throw away? so we never did (and it was his stuff, so it was his responsibility to deal with and he never did). They were too big so the top shelf had been taken out. I've studied this bookshelf for years and figured out the missing shelf is just placed on the shelf below, under all the stuff, so all I'd have to do is put that stuff somewhere else and then I can put the shelf back and we can use it for books (I've collected many in recent years and read less than half. We put them in front of the shelf). I've had this plan for maybe a decade or two with varying degrees of planning. In the end I decided to get a box, put the stuff in it and put it somewhere else. I got the box. Didn't use it. Then used it for excess food at Christmas (Yes I know how privileged that sounds and it is) and then I put a pigeon in it last year (do you remember Little Nik?). I cleaned it and then left it because I didn't want to put food in a box that could still have wild bird germs (the internet says to be wary of that). So I got it out, wiped it down with disinfectant again and did what I always planned to. I found some odd things and treasure. I found a bible, with gilded edges claiming to be bound with silk that had been presented to my granddad from the scouts when he was 11 or 12 I think, something like that (It is now in the shelf with the exercise books, both grandparents together). It was a heavy box. I slid it to the spare room. I cleaned the shelf and put it back. I put some books in it but it's quite a bit deeper than the books so I went looking for ornaments. My mum had some in a bucket in her room I recalled so I went looking but didn't look far because I found treasure. Some pictures, cards celebrating my mother's birth that her mother had kept and blank postcards from Israel (I asked and mum doesn't think they went to Israel so I guess someone else gave them to them). I considered my painted fish Yuki broke with her cone a while ago. I glued them back together at last but I didn't think they'd work out. So I raided the mantlepiece. Some of my mum's ornaments got buried behind others. I cleaned them off, put them on the shelf and it looks really good. It somehow looks like they've always been there and it's always looked that way. I'm really proud of it for some reason.

Later on I dug my collection of dragons out from under my bed (which later made space to really pack other stuff under there so that kind of looked neater too. I had books at the front hiding the insanity behind and hopefully making me look at least a little more intelligent) and put them on display (two, Quin and Triad were too big to put anywhere But I thought of a really good spot and the others had been on my windowsill but I worried about them sun fading so put them under my bed with the big boys) It was a shame not to display them. So now they live on a cabinet in a corner with some princesses and a unicorn my mum had over there. Oddly they look like they've always been there too. It's odd but nice.
Mum mostly dealt with her room (the first messy room) My room and the living room were barely touched though. I just reached a stopping point with the whole thing.

When we felt it was acceptable enough we looked for estate agents, eventually found 2 and they came round. I'd already planned things. I figured we should warn them before they came in of 2 things. 1 we have a dog (even though she's not a problem but some people have issues or are allergic) and 2 we're hoarders. Say hoarders rather than the house is in a state or something else ambiguous. Hoarders sets a precedent and if we meet it then they were warned and if we fall short of what they pictured then they'll be relieved. Both parties assured us it wasn't a problem and they'd seen worse. They were nice, professional and friendly. I've never met an estate agent in my life. Well knowingly at least. I assumed they might need to measure the house, hence clearing floor space. I looked up what do estate agents ask? It came up with things like gas/electric, original features, when was it last decorated and size is also needed but they might oversell (in this case round up measurements to make it seem bigger for a bigger sale/commission) and that greatly disturbed me. I have it in my head that it's best if they give us a low valuation because we are not selling willingly (unless perhaps we HAVE to to pay the inheritance tax and I'll die before I let something like that move me out) so I spent a day measuring the walls and drawing out a very rough floor plan for each room and stuck them on the doors with notes I thought might be useful like when it was last decorated, things that had been repaired/replaced etc. The first ones took pictures. The second one didn't need to because he'd done a property down the road and they're all basically done to the same floor plan.
They did value the house at less than £660,000 but still above £600,000 (I'd gotten that figure from an online property checker)
Now. For a valuation the internet said that a chartered surveyor was better (but way more expensive) because they'll actually assess the building as it is rather that it's potential sale value. Estate agents was just quicker.

We sent HER the valuations on a Tuesday or Wednesday I think. She didn't reply until the Sunday and we haven't heard anything since. And after that we did the land registry too.

So that's everything I can think of that you've missed. It's not in as much detail as it would have been if I'd written at the time but now you know at least.

Ok. I planted a raspberry plant last year. It never flowered (because it had to establish) but it did this year. So I harvested it but it was small so I padded it out by harvesting the blackberries that have run rampant in our garden for years, decades at this point. I used to pick them when I was younger but I stopped, it wasn't worth it to get scratched. Then I was leaving them for the birds. They barely eat them so they just rot. So this year I harvest them. Eat some and then they rot. So I made jam. It's really nice and the freshest jam I'll ever eat. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15582-Well-Hello-Again https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15581-Hey-You-Long-Time-No-See Wed, 03 Aug 2022 03:18:50 GMT Predictably this is all too long so it'll be in two parts. I need to post more often it seems so this doesn't happen. Which is worse to read I wonder. Regular ramblings that will probably be more detailed and rambly or a long one cut into chunks so less detail but more overall information with multiple postings?

Hi. It seems that the last time I posted was when Yuki came back from her tooth surgery. So it's been a while. I cut my nails today so I can type at least. Feels kind of odd typing though since I haven't done it for a while.
Now then. Since you last heard from me the dog (currently) is still alive (I add that caveat in case I invite misfortune by not saying it). She's getting along but she's slower than she used to be. Doesn't eat as much as she used to and is a bit thin we think but you can't really see it with her husky coat, but we can feel a thinness. This, of course, is all to be expected with age. We stopped the swimming during the heatwave and we haven't got back into a routine with it because it can still get a bit hot to cram 2 full grown humans and an aged dog into a car with only 2 windows that roll down (remind me to tell you about the window thing later) then go for a drive along a busy road creating more heat to get to swimming and then back again. And SHE's doing it all in a thick fur coat and rarely drinks when we offer her water before/after swimming. So yeah. Only trouble is that her legs are getting a bit more questionable. She scuffs and stumbles a bit more. As for the gum hole/dip it got bigger. I did worry about that but eventually a big scab came off and I realized that this is basically what it should look like so that's a relief. I was worried it had gotten rotten. We still need to keep it clean, squirt out food that nestles in there (white fish and turkey mince are a problem, the mince is dry and crumbly and the fish just sits there so as she barely feels it I guess). I can't get the syringe near to irrigate it gently so I've had to keep to my original technique of ambush, shoot from a distance and hope my aim is good. Only trouble is I worry that I shoot off healing scabs (it does still bleed. She paws it randomly, more so if there's an irritant). We put a new cool mat out for her because the old one had burst and we couldn't replace it until they came into season, as it were. Only trouble is that it's water resistant and she can't help drooling, so it gets pools of drool (and sometimes she leaks pee too) and she ends up having her face in it so one side of her face gets all dry and crusty feeling and we have to brush it with the puppy brush (because it's for puppies it's small and gentle. I got it for this kind of purpose, face/ears and belly because I've always worried about accidentally catching her nipples. Does it sound less human if I call them teats? but then again I don't think they become particularly teat-like until they're nursing puppies. Never mind) It's also good for rubbing/brushing mud and dirt off of her legs.

I've thought several times about writing but I just didn't want to do it enough. Then it builds up and then I do this. (oh and there were points I was actually too busy)
Things to mention:
The magpies/flowers
The car window
The estate agents
My recent obsession with some waste?
How am I doing after...previous events?
Projects?

So in the Spring some time (I'm not going though my journal to give you exact times for things) the magpies were quite active (naturally). And these pink flowers kept appearing on the roof outside my window (another reason I didn't mention it at the time, in case by some chance someone who reads this happens to be local and saw the house). In the end we concluded it was the magpies picking the flowers (for some reason) from a neighbor's garden (perhaps that was where their nest was) and they kind of ended up marking their territory? There were some on a roof across from us and a few in the garden and in the street so I imagine that if there had been an aerial view it might have made a kind of circle and it was all quite fun. I assure you it was more interesting at the time and I would probably have done updates/additions like "there's 4 more now" "we found some on the rest of the roof today, you and see three of them from the street" "I've just counted and there's 12 in total that we can see but there's some in the guttering now" and so on had I actually written it up at the time.

The passenger window wouldn't go up one hot day when Mum came home. This has happened twice before. First my (passenger) side, the motor went in the mechanism, in the end we called my dad for advice and he said just call the AA that's what they're there for. So we did. He was able to wriggle it up and wedge some business cards in there to keep it up until mum got to the mechanic the next day. The second time it was mum's side (this was after my mum's hospital time and she needs to go to their pharmacy to pick up the medicine they'd prescribed her) a neighbor leaned out of her window to offer advice because someone she knew had recently had this issue and it was just that a belt had come off of the motor. I tried opening it up to have a look and she came to try and assist (this was during the covid times (which technically we're still in but I think you get what I mean) but after lockdowns) but I didn't have the right tools and didn't feel super comfortable doing it anyway (and it wasn't the belt thing as she had suggested. She was very nice though. Our first names have the same origin (they're different but come from the same place. I'm not telling you what that place is. Well fine. I'll just say it's ironic for an atheist, and that's why I find it funny, and leave it at that)). I think it was then that I had to tape a plastic bag to the window...or was it the first time? maybe it was both times. Well at least one of those times it was raining. Mum called the hospital to tell them. She got them later in the evening. She tells me there was a plastic bag on the window then. It wouldn't go up as much as the first time. she tells me, because I forget, that something had snapped. We called the AA again and that time I had applied duct tape handles which made it easier for him to pull it up but it couldn't go as far as the first time, so duct tape to the rescue. Partly held the window up and partly had the bin bag stick to it. So, onto this time. This is the first time we don't have the deceased to call first to tell us to just call the AA. We tried pulling it up but it only wiggles a little bit and didn't go up at all. I tried duct tape handles for better grip. No. A neighbor I used to play with when we were little (I was friends with his sister, he was/is younger and originally kept mispronouncing my name. It used to annoy me but I got used to it then he grew out of it. I kind of sort of miss it now) he came over to offer advice because he's very recently seen a video where someone used duct tape handles on a car window but that was to open it rather than close it. He had a go but I'd started removing the handles since they weren't working and the window wouldn't budge so the tape snapped. But still it was nice of him to try. He wished us well and went on his way. We taped it up with cardboard and bin bags. Because of it we cancelled swimming and that was the first appointment we'd booked since the heat wave too and Yui really needed to get back to swimming. Mum called the garage the next day. They were booked up but gave Mum a tip to close the window at least. Put the key in the lock turn and hold it and it overrides the system and puts the window up. But because of the cardboard she couldn't see it go up so it took a while to notice. They told her to drive by and they could assess it at least. So she did. It goes down but not back up again. Then they tried the button on my side (driver side is the master button really) and it worked. So there's something amiss in the electrics but only for her button. So for now we're putting it up with my button. She felt pretty foolish though. She hadn't thought to try my button.

I'm going to skip to projects now.
I want/need to re-point some walls. I was waiting for the summer but I ended up not doing it yet. For at least part of that time there was a valid reason I didn't do it. We'll come to that last I think, keep you in suspense and all. I'd like to re-paint the windows but that would require more work than I think. Scraping/sanding off the old paint, filling gaps/holes. possibly priming it first and then painting which could take 2 coats depending on the paint and for all that I'd have to move all my plants. Summer is a busy time for plants. Well it would be if I'd been gardening properly. Again something took precedent when I needed to be sorting my summer planting.
That moves us nicely to gardening. I had radishes early on. Then I planted lettuces and I've kind of been waiting to get rid of them before getting other stuff out so I should be either coming up to or in the middle of tomato and pepper harvesting now but I'm not. I've had some set backs. The biggest one being that I've kept seedlings too long and they've rotted. Usually I'm at war with snails (though I love them so I don't want to hurt them, I care less for slugs though but they still deserve to live) but since I've planted leafy greens this year it's caterpillars. I have some sprouts (I'd very much like to grow our own Christmas veg but I don't think that's going to happen this year) but they've been besieged. I covered my best one in netting but it turns out there were some inside so they could munch away without predation. I removed them and it seems okay for now but still. I had some lettuces outside that I later moved inside for easy harvesting and to make space for a cucumber (it died though but I still have one but it's too late I think. It should be fruiting now, not just barely growing) and it turns out they were riddled with caterpillars but I didn't notice it until the leaves started dying and there were poops everywhere. I thought it was dirt, they'd gotten soil on them when I moved them, but it kind of reminded me of flea dirt (that's what they call flea poo) but bigger. Yeah. That's because it was. Because they were green they were camouflaged. It was only because I took them outside to spray the "dirt" off that I noticed the caterpillars and there were a lot. They're more noticeable when they're bigger and causing more damage. I've been slow with the planting because I've been sifting the soil. It had a lot of stones and bits of plastic in it and twigs and things. The wood I don't mind so much but the stones is something else. I also planted onions. I failed. Onion seeds are hard for me it seems. I bought some plants to grow. A tomato (It's started producing fruit but it's taking a while) some onions (they're growing at least, getting a bit bulbous at the base) and mini cucumber but it wasn't in a good state when I got it and it didn't make it. I liked the idea of mini cucumbers. I hoped they'd be better for pickling.
I got an orange tree. It's a small decorative one (I got it when we went to view the corpse if you remember that). It flowers/fruits all year round. I've harvested it twice. They're very bitter. Tiny bitter oranges (it's called calamondin if you're interested). I tried to candy them so they'd be palatable. I ended up burning the first harvest. I felt so bad for wasting them that I kept the seeds and tried to grow them. Most of them have actually sprouted, which has taken up space in my propagator (which is another reason I've been slow with my seedlings). The second harvest I baked instead. They were nice but I used demerara sugar to get rid of it. Seems white granulated would've been a better choice. If I can I'll try that next time. I got a moisture probe so, when I can be bothered to check with it, I know when my plants are thirsty. This heat has also slowed things down/killed them off. But the growing time isn't over yet.

Waste obsession?
Some houses round here are having work done and there's some bits and pieces (mainly wood) that I wonder if I could make a VERY basic little table with and an unrelated skip in the street I'd keep eyeing up. But it feels wrong to just take stuff, especially stuff in someone's front garden. I'm not a sociable being (I know. How shocking. I hide it well. maniacal sarcastic laughing ensues) so knocking on their door and asking is beyond me and I've never run into the owners (I'm on hello terms with their cat though) so I've wondered if I could just sneak away with these scraps under cover of darkness. Well no. I looked it up because I felt uncomfortable with the idea but oddly obsessed (the obsession was partly due to "hormonal" issues that occur monthly. When that is due I am known to fixate on something I wouldn't normally fixate on as much). I looked it up. Is it stealing if they're throwing it away anyway? Yes. In the UK at least. Yes it is. In relation to a woman raiding a skip of spoiled food but there is a much earlier example of a farmer burying a dead diseased pig and someone else digging it up and selling it for meat. Even though he'd essentially disposed of it it was still his property. The same actually applies to skips, even if they're in the street. Now I know you shouldn't put stuff IN a skip that isn't yours because they've had to pay to rent it so you're using/kind of stealing the service that THEY have paid for. So you'd think they'd welcome someone emptying the skip a bit for them. But legally no. Though I do wonder what the legal precedent is for taking something out of a skip that someone else illegally put in. Anyway. Now I now it's illegal I can't just take stuff. If felt wrong before but VERY wrong now. Well why not just buy stuff? I'm not a wood worker by any means so I'd rather not waste money on something that isn't going to be as easy as I think it is (because that is always the way. You actually have to put effort into things and learn new skills and what you imagine won't just magic itself into reality).

So I need to cut somewhere and I've been saving the estate agents for last for the suspense so I'll be SUPER suspenseful and cut it here. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15581-Hey-You-Long-Time-No-See https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15552-She-s-Back Fri, 22 Apr 2022 23:57:00 GMT Well She survived the surgery. Now she needs to survive the recovery. I was semi-violently gardening yesterday and got scratched up pretty good by... Well She survived the surgery. Now she needs to survive the recovery.
I was semi-violently gardening yesterday and got scratched up pretty good by thorns. The climbing rose has been out of control for a few years but it was too hard to cut back. But the neighbors have cut back their plants that it was tangled in so now i can have a go at it. I did it yesterday because I wouldn't want to do it after today if it didn't go well. And it needs to be done because it's affecting the house. I felt my middle fingertip go a bit numb. It was practically dark while I was finishing clearing up. Turns out I had a little thorn in there. I got it out when I came inside but my finger still hurts. I can't put pressure on my middle finger. It's surprising how much you rely on one part of your body and don't notice until you can't use it. In truth I actually can use it. It just hurts a bit. I know what you're thinking. How did you type all that yesterday? I worked around it.
I only had maybe 3 hours or so sleep. After writing my feelings up I had the sudden flash of inspiration. I want a cast of her paws. I tried a couple of years ago but it didn't work out and she was uncooperative so in the end the extra salt dough was in the fridge so long I decided to get rid of it and didn't try again. I'd need mum to help handle the dog and they didn't come out very well so I threw them away. We don't shave between her paw pads, she's sensitive about her paws, so the impression doesn't come out clearly to begin with. So at maybe 1am-ish I decided to do it again because I might never get to do it again. I'd eaten half my stone cold dinner (I did the same thing I've done today, do dinner then type THEN eat) got to making the dough and after we were done I heated it and finished eating it.
The dough seemed fine. I used flour that went out of date in 2014 but aside from that it seemed good. She was laying on her back so perfect for paws if I press it in. I had mum help soothe/keep an eye on her so she wouldn't bite me for disturbing her. I had several failures which I won't bore you with. I ended up with 4 paws I was satisfied enough with. One is stuck to the paper (like the first ones I tried) I remembered that as I was scooping the failed/just not quite good enough/could do better prints off of the baking paper. I dusted it with flour for the later ones and they've come off nicely. I hope it doesn't affect their longevity though. Then I had to stay up for 3 hours to bake them. I had a nap in the chair but it was uncomfortable.
So. We took Yuki in for her surgery. According to the vet she's lost more weight (no surprise with the age and the tooth pain) but she seemed surprised. That didn't inspire confidence. Not in the vet, we have full confidence but she can't fight nature. She tells us it's a maybe 85% risk. The "exploded" gum is worse too. A cat went in before us and didn't come out so it was to be operated on too (I asked later, she said it was okay too. There was a cat in there last time too, on a drip). Mum filled in a consent form while we were in the other room. We took her to the back and put her in the cage like last time. We're both upset but not bawling our eyes out uncontrollably (you need to hold those things in because the vet has stuff to be doing. But it's not worth bawling your eyes out until it actually goes wrong anyway) and we came home.
Mum set to cleaning up the pee yui did this morning (mum stayed up while I went to bed but took Yui out a bit too late because she wanted to take her out at normal kind of time so she might get to see a friend or two before everything and all). Then she kept busy hoovering stuff and things. I, unhelpfully, occupied myself buy letting my game console update (I don't turn it on often, usually to update then have a little play while I'm there) then decided to justify having turned it on by playing Untitled Goose Game (the goose from yesterday inspired me) because it's a nice calm game where you can just mess around with limited goals (you can do the goals if you want but they're not required to have fun). Then the vet called while mum was upstairs so I had to answer. 3 hours sleep and I'm not super great at getting information from the vet over the phone at the best of times (I don't think I ask the right questions for example). Yuki survived and is doing as well as can be expected and can be picked up later (I was a bit confused by that and thought we might call to see if we can get her then or if she was ready for pickup. She was ready for pickup, I wasn't thinking clearly) and relayed it as best I could to mum. Then I carried on playing the game. Had a bit of breakfast at last (I wasn't sure if I'd go for a nap or not. I didn't because I was into the game and because I wouldn't be able to sleep well anyway but I didn't want to eat if I was going to go to bed for a nap).
Mum nipped out to get thank you gifts for the vet and some more dangle meat for the dog and then we went to get her.
13 teeth out and a hole where the "exploded" gum was, it couldn't be salvaged. So we have to irrigate it with salt water (mum didn't hear the salt bit but I'm sure it is salt water) after she eats. She was on strong painkillers (equivalent to morphine for dogs) and she'll have antibiotics from tomorrow and we still have the painkiller for after. She was covered in blood laying on the floor (her gums were bleeding on and off). She didn't want to stand but didn't actually want to sit either but she just couldn't hold herself up. Getting her out to the car was insane. She wouldn't move and in the end (as we struggled along, mum pulling from the front and me trying to hold up the back and push, we got her a bit of the way along but not far, the vet came out to assist). The trick is to get her going and not let her stop and once we were moving the vet went back and we carried on with mostly success. We got her in the front so I had to sit in the back and getting her out was just as fun, her legs were under her and she ended up half falling out, half being held. We got her out nd inside and settled and I went to bed for 4 or so hours.
She's had a little food now and I need to take her out to see if she wants to pee again before I settle down to eat my, now stone cold, dinner. Bye.

*Update*
Well she's been a bit livelier today, understandably. Mum gave her her first antibiotic (the vet would've given her one yesterday I assume) and the yogurt I got. It went out of date on the 18th but it was in the fridge the whole time and unopened and mum checked it and it seemed good to her (and she would know, goat yogurt is part of her daily breakfast) did I tell you why I got yogurt? I think I did. She tried her on a little bit because she's never had yogurt before but opted to crush the pill (it's a big pill she tells me), wet a slice of dangle meat (yes I like calling it that) and sort of dip it in so it stuck to the wet meat. She started taking it, realized it was different and stopped but eventually took it anyway and while mum was away she finished the sample of yogurt. It states that it's good for 3 days but I doubt she'll eat all of it so mum will finish it off if need be. I don't actually like yogurt. I don't like the sour taste which is hilarious since I'm giving occasional fermented yogurts a go to see if it improves my digestive health. I have maybe a day or so on and a day off because I suspect I'm lactose intolerant so flooding myself with dairy is not a smart idea. Anyway. I'll save the ins and outs of my digestive system for another time.
She's been brighter today. Yesterday she kept turning her head away and only seemed to lay on the bad side (where the "exploded" gum was) so we couldn't get a good look at it. We're supposed to flush it after she eats. I thought it was a hole, like a kind of pocket like thing sort of but I've got a better look today when she was reaching for some dangle meat and I think a better description is a dip maybe. Which is great if that's the case because she's very sensitive about it, understandably, so won't let us hold her and inject the water. We have a syringe for the painkiller so the vet said we could use that but today we've made a change I'll tell you later. It's a syringe but no needle of course. But since she won't let us get in there we kind of tried to sort of shoot it at the area in question and reward her with dangle meat after. For now we're mainly looking to get her used to the idea because this is it now, we HAVE to do this every time she eats or she could get infected. I'm hoping she'll get used to it fast so we can do a better job and ensure it's clean.
This morning when I got up I noticed she was laying on the better side so the bad one was exposed and thought how perfect that position would be for flushing. Then she moved to the door and lay on the bad side again. She still has some teeth. The vet said ideally they should all be out but she just took the REALLY bad ones and that we MUST clean the teeth she has. Last time she had surgery for the lump removal she cleaned her teeth and took a couple of rotten ones but couldn't do them all and we were supposed to clean her teeth but I didn't. At first I didn't want to mess with her after surgery and after that it was a combination of laziness and the dog being uncooperative and then things carried on downhill until we got to this point. Again I'm not doing her teeth yet. I think my concerns right now are justified. She JUST had surgery. But yes I'm going to need to actually do the work this time because I doubt we'll be so lucky next time. (the vet said before it that huskies and German shepherds are more tricky with anesthesia. So that wasn't worrying at all :(. Anyway)
She dripped blood in the car on the way home because her mouth was bleeding. We kept shuffling some tissues round when she moved to catch it and she had her paw pressed into mum's leg for stability while I was limited in the back. Mum put her yoga mat (yes she has one. It's a thick one and I fold it up and put it behind the seat so she's cushioned when she jumps up. She's stumbled getting in and there are hard things in a car and she's an old lady now. So when she does stumble at least it's soft and it gives her a better footing to jump up onto the back seat) on the seat for cushioning and for wipe clean after. Mum's on blood thinners which, aside from making cuts bleed more, can cause more/heavier bruising so it'll be interesting to see if she gets a paw bruise. For turns and bumps I had to lean right over and try to hook my hand round Yui's shoulder to steady her because she wasn't secured at all. I had to adjust my seatbelt a bit oddly to start with but leaning like that rather negated the purpose of the seatbelt I think.
I said she's been brighter today. Mum needed to go the the pharmacy and run some errands and while she was there she planned to get a syringe so we could have one for painkiller and one for water and I requested a thermometer if possible because we've never had one and it feels like we should for emergencies. If nothing else we can see if the dog has a fever in the future. She got them. Yuki was sleeping by the door so she was waiting for me to take her out (we aim for about 4 or so hours between walks to build up pee but not to much that she goes in the house). So we decided to go out together. Last time that happened we followed her to the pharmacy, dog's choice. Today she did the same thing. When mum went in she didn't notice at first. But she stopped and sniffed then looked round and looked so confused why mum wasn't there. Aren't I good enough for you dog? :)
Later we fed her, gave her the painkiller (it has to be in food) and I had come up with a plan. Try, as best as we can, to wrap her in a towel. Wear my head light, maybe cover her eyes a bit so she's not blinded, have one of us get her in a sort of headlock and hold her snout and the other goes in with the syringe. It kind of worked. We forgot the light. i wrapped her but it's mostly her head I focused on, covered her eyes and mum syringed. She got snappy again but the towel stayed on long enough for me to adjust it each time and even though she was unhappy with the whole thing I think it went better than yesterday. Mum's not sure if she aimed right but I think she got close at least and we rewarded her with dangle meat quickly so hopefully we'll get better at it. Because of the towel I felt safer handling her. Without it I'd have backed off then been hesitant and it would've been a lot of fuss where we all just got annoyed. So yeah. Towel is a better option.
She's been a bit whiny today. She was whiny since we got her yesterday, but that's all understandable. Of course she's still uncomfortable. But yeah, she's seeming more like her old self today which is really nice to see. She does seem a bit weak on her back legs though, kind of squats a bit when she's standing but hopefully it'll go away when she's recovered, a little exercise might help. I wonder did she always do that and I just didn't notice, she is old after all.

In other news the foxes have been making noise (I hear them running down the side of the house) and we saw one of the babies out front tonight. I don't like that. Out front is dangerous and they're still small but they're pretty independent so I probably don't need to worry. I put some food out back to keep them occupied where it's safe. I think they're weaned, they're eating solids very eagerly.
I worried that that troublesome goose might be a harbinger of doom as it was such an odd thing. I've never seen a goose in the streets before and I've lived here my whole life, admittedly I don't get out much but still. But the goose did inspire me to have a family river walk and play Goose Game while we waited so maybe it was some kind of blessing goose. More likely it was just a normal goose though.
Also the vet trimmed her dew claws. I did need to do that. The one I trimmed was still a bit long but i didn't know how short to cut it and the internet says not to go too far the first time until they're used to it. I think she's a bit mad at us for all this. Well, I would be mad at someone for letting all this happen to their dog so I don't see why she wouldn't be a bit annoyed, since she has to try and clean up our mess.

And you may wonder sometimes is it Yui or Yuki and did I make a mistake sometimes? Usually no. It is Yuki but Yui is one of her many nicknames and it saves time and space to write Yui and if there's one thing my blogs need it's a lower character count :) ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15552-She-s-Back https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15551-One-Way-or-Another Thu, 21 Apr 2022 23:54:48 GMT So tomorrow's the surgery.
But before that I never told you how it ended.
Yes. I did have covid too. I mean it was pretty obvious but it is ever so slightly possible that I might have just had a bad cold while Mum did have covid but highly unlikely. I did a test a couple of days after mum went back to work. I was feeling better but not normal yet and I mostly did a test because I wanted to have it confirmed. A faint but still existent line. So yeah. I did also have covid. about two days later I did another test and it was clear. We're not completely as we were before. Mum said that a colleague who had it was coughing for weeks despite a clear test. The lateral flow test is just to tell you if you're still infectious it seems but you can still have symptoms for 12 weeks. Any longer than that and it becomes "long covid". So I still have a few symptoms. Mostly it's just an irritated throat that's steadily decreasing in sensitivity. For example if you walk passed a smoker normally you don't cough much or at all. Walking passed one with covid symptoms could start me coughing. Today we passed an ice cream van parking. The exhaust got me but I'm not as quick to cough as I have been. So yeah, that's covid. Did I tell you about the whole to do about getting tests? No. I couldn't have because I wrote before my birthday and Mother's day I think.
Oh well we had covid over Mother's Day which was annoying because had planned to sneak out that morning or the day before and get flowers. I was waiting for the Mother's day flowers to come in on the 25th and then see what they had round the corner. Luckily I had some little somethings last time we went shopping so I could still mark the occasion just not quite as planned. I got a vase because we didn't have one that would accommodate all the daffodils mum gets in spring. It wasn't what I'd planned but it's nice and very spacious compared to our others. I'd planned to put the special flowers in it but never mind. And a murder mystery book I found out existed online and then saw it in store. Perfect. It has a similar style cover to another one she liked, different author but it does say "if you like that one you'll like this one" so hey why not. She didn't know I got it. I'd also debated getting some cupcakes but it would be two days before my birthday and it's generally expected that there be cake so probably not a wise idea. But then of course we got covid. So I presented mum with the vase she already knew she had and a picture of some flowers online and explained the original plan. This was in the early hours after midnight. I saved the surprise book until we went to bed and got up (Yes we go to bed between 3-6am these days). When I get up (she falls asleep downstairs all the time so she doesn't sleep long upstairs and she does the first dog walk so she gets up a few hours before me even when she's not working) I present her with the book. So yeah, we still had a little Mother's day. Actually I might have told you about it.
Then two days later was my birthday and the day after that mum went back to work. She had a very faint line on my birthday so she probably technically shouldn't have been out but she was clear the next day for work. She got me a cake and had ordered some catalogue things for me. Collapsible plant pots and extendable canes for climbers. She apologized for it. No need. These are really nice and I'm keen to get growing things again this year. I have a bunch of seeds I want to try. My throat was still irritated so I worried about eating cake. Just the hint of a crumb might start a coughing fit (I was having mashed Weetabix with honey warmed up for breakfast every day and I have a collection of cup-a-soups I got for emergency food last year so I had those once in a while for lunch. I don't normally do lunch. I also stopped drinking carbonated water, which I always drink, in favour of squash. It was kinder to my throat. My father liked orange squash. That's why we randomly had it. I'd gotten it for the last Christmas he was here. They were out of date by now but never mind, still tasted good. I'm actually still drinking squash. I haven't gone back to my old drinks. I worry the fizzy was giving me excess gas even though I watered it down. I wonder if I've somehow been posessed buy my father's spirit. It's fun flavours of squash though, not just orange. He was just a plain orange man. I have peach and a blueberry one at the moment) Anyway. Cake might upset my throat. I had some little post of flavoured custard I'd recently found. I'd gotten them last year, put them away and forgotten about them so they were a bit out of date. They have warming instructions. So warm custard and chocolate cake. So that's how I ate the cake. Mum had some too.

Getting tests was tricky. It was right before the rules were to change and tests would no longer be free, just a few days in fact. She went to a pharmacy. They didn't have any. So she went looking for tests and found one at a pharmacy further away than she would have liked to have walked. They gave her the tests but insisted that she come back with her phone because she didn't have it with her at the time. She did explain that it's not a smart phone, just a phone. So later she went back with her phone and it's not really what they wanted and gave her a leaflet with a QR code and a website. So I looked it up. You're supposed to go online and order a test then get a collection code then take it to the pharmacy and THEN get a test. So that they can check the test requests. So she HAD to come back with a code for their records, even though some others on their list also hadn't had codes. Sigh. So I go online, get to the government website and it's a form. Unfortunately it's not set up for "I already did a test and have covid so I need another test to see when I'm clear so I can go back to work". It's set up for "what kind of test do you need? Do you have symptoms?" Yes. "If you have symptoms you need a PCR test not a lateral flow test" No. You don't. From what I can see PCR is to make sure you don't have covid and not know it, like going travelling or something, not to check if you're still infectious after the 2 weeks isolation period which is no longer the standard rule anyway because we've just started "opening up" and it's no longer requires but "people should use their common sense etc". Basically for our situation it was useless because we're NOT ordering a test, we already have it and if this collection code is just to track stuff does it really really matter? I reported mum's positive test (I didn't know you needed to do that for the first one so I reported the still technically positive result one day and then the clear one the next day so it would look a bit weird in the system. I didn't report myself purely because I don't go out and interact with other humans and when I do I'm with Mum so we basically count as one person for infectability. Of course I have covid too because we're in the same house. But I'm not going out and putting people at risk just by existing so I thought it would give statistics that don't give the full picture) So in the end we didn't bother going back with a code. I hope that wasn't a huge problem. Why couldn't you have just given her the leaflet in the first place (even though it had literally no information on it save for go to this website) sigh. I asked mum if we hadn't already had a few tests at home already and she'd had to go through all this to get one, would she have done it given that she thought she just had a bad cold and not covid? The answer was no. Think about it. She could have taken covid to work and not known it. The vulnerable are all vaccinated but some of the younger ones think it's all a conspiracy so aren't vaccinated. Is it bad that I kind of hoped those kinds of people would get covid just to see how bad it really is? For me it wasn't. But for others they've really suffered and for people to say it's all a hoax makes me question whether humanity deserves to survive. If you have a GENUINE reason that you can't be vaccinated like allergies or compromised immunity they you are completely exempt from my contempt because you don't have a choice. But it's for those people that those of us who can should be vaccinated. Anyway.
That was how the covid worked out.

In other news.
We have baby foxes in the garden. Little baby foxes. They're so tiny and adorable and already quick at stealing food (it's not really stolen, we give it to them, but they run off with it fast and sneaky). Two baby foxes. An adult watches them. Mum thinks it's Baby Girl all grown up because of a mark on her back. I can't remember it, I just remember she was more shy than Prince from the year before. The garden's VERY overgrown so they hide easily. They're very cute.

Today, walking Yuki, I saw a cat sitting at the edge of the road. I don't know this cat but I've seen it once or twice. Last time I let it sniff some catnip because it was on a wall hissing at Yui. I hoped it wouldn't run into the road as we passed. The people of the house were out front so I couldn't hang around asking it if it wants to be friends (yes I do that kind of thing. I like cats). There was a car stopped further down the road that tooted. I guessed they were waiting for someone. As I got closer I saw something astonishing and hilarious (to me at least). There was a goose in the road blocking the way. At first I wondered if it was a very good fake. Then it moved. Holy crap. WHY IS THERE A GOOSE IN THE ROAD? I kept laughing. Nice goose. It moved a little but came back to the middle again and we were getting close now so I took us into the road to shoo the goose. I think it was more intimidated by the dog than me. It took off running and flapping and took off. A bit low but they're water birds, they can't go from still to up like pigeons. We live near to a little river, no so much that you'd notice but it's there. So although odd it was kind of near to where it should be. The best I can come up with is that it's a young goose and got confused by the reflection of sun on the asphalt and thought it it was water then got confused. I wonder if I did the right thing. The car had a family in it. Surely one of them could have gotten out and shoed it off. They could have been afraid of it. It didn't seem to be hurt because it went off pretty quick. I do wonder if it escaped from a garden and maybe someone was rehabbing it. I doubt it but it is possible. But if that's the case they should've kept a better eye on it and it does need to learn that roads are not to be trifled with. I also wonder if it had a nest nearby maybe. But shouldn't it be closer to the river? Either way don't hang around on roads troublesome goose. It headed roughly toward the river. And I decided to go and look for it which greatly confused Yui. Then I decided to go back home and get mum to have a nice family walk along the river. I went out with her for her night walk (it was actually early morning) before bed during the first lockdown for the exercise and we'd go along the river sometimes. It was much quieter then though. It was a nice day today and people were home from school and work. But it was still a nice walk.
I've been wondering what to do for our last day together. I REALLY hope it's not our last day but the risk of anesthesia on such an old dog. I have to be prepared. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I worried a lot for a week last time and it was fine. But what if it goes bad this time because I didn't worry? Firstly don't be silly and secondly if you have that kind of power over the world then I don't want that responsibility.
I wondered about giving her a special meal but couldn't really think of anything.
She was off her food last week but we happened to go shopping and to the pet store and got her some new treats. She loves these freeze-dried turkey nuggets (it's a food but we give it to her as treats and food) well she did love them. She seemed to go off them. It might have been her teeth hurting but I do wonder if she's bored of the same flavours. The same brand doo beef ones too. She can have beef but it needs to be lean. I doubt it's lean beef but screw it. She might not be alive much longer. She deserves something nice. So I got them and some lamb ones too (they're tiny treats rather than food nuggets). Lamb is a fatty meat so she shouldn't be having it but hey. She does deserve it. I also got sliced turkey meat. I like to tease her with it. You peel off a good sized piece and dangle it over her face to sniff and when she tries to reach for it you pull back a little to tease her. If she doesn't make a move to the meat then you know something's wrong. She was enticed to eat. I call it dangle meat. I also got a pot of "0% fat" goat yogurt because back when the vet said no chicken and low fat foods and I asked how we were supposed to give her her pills (because no peanut butter either, that's how we were doing it before) and she suggested natural yogurt. She's never had yogurt, we managed without it but I wondered if we should try it to make her eat now. She did like milk and cheese before. But we haven't used it because the dangle meat and new treats did the trick. It might be useful when she comes home from the surgery. When I speak of it I prefer to speak of her coming home. I've been taking a few extra pictures and videos. Verbally I say a last video of you with teeth. I don't want to say the last video I'll ever have of you. I am worried. This year seems to be a different year than usual. My father died. We got covid. But to be fair my father was dying anyway and we were going to get covid at some point. I'm just grateful it was now and not earlier. Is just. Is this the year that the things that have built up happen? Well hang on. My father died and we got covid. But would we have got covid now if we hadn't gone to his funeral? Most likely the two are linked and not a wholly separate event. We'll see. Either way she'll be out of pain and that's the most important thing. Because she is in pain. She's clearly in pain. And one way or another it's going to stop.
So Yeah. I just wanted to record this time really.
She's generally well in herself or as well as she can be at least. She's still been doing well with her swimming ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15551-One-Way-or-Another https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15541-At-Last-We-Meet Sun, 27 Mar 2022 22:21:01 GMT We have covid. It's been about a week.
I noticed my Mum was a bit stuffy on Thursday. Getting a cold over the weekend. We went to the vet to get Yuki's teeth looked at. It looks like the gum is exploding slowly. It started as a little hole and kept going. We know her teeth are rotten but surgery is a huge risk so really we've been waiting for the point that the vet says that's it this MUST be done and we've mentioned it over the phone as it's progressed but this is the first time she's been able to see it. Mum was worried the gum's infected (well obviously) she already has a painkiller for emergencies but Mum hoped we could get some antibiotics. We did. The earliest it can be done is mid April and she may not survive so we have to hope all will be well. I went in too which I haven't been able to do for 2 years. They limited people because of covid AND I went in without a mask on. I had it but I didn't have time to tie it up. So I did what I always do in these moments and held my breath until it was on, which took a while so when I started breathing again I was breathing hard. I'm worried about that. I make our masks. It's only 2 layers of cotton fabric, any more is too hard to breathe, with wire at the bridge of the nose to form a much tighter seal (it's to prevent my glasses steaming up). So for all round coverage I think my masks are pretty good but I wonder if the material is as good. It does do pretty good at keeping my breath in. So maybe it's better than I think. I do hope so. I feel REALLY bad having not gone in wearing the mask. I had Yui and she'd just pooed and I was sanitizing my hands when the vet came and I didn't want to be rude and leave her standing at the door waiting for me especially since I'm normally waiting outside. To be honest it's likely the next time we go to the vet will be for Yui's tooth removal and that could be the last time I ever see her so I didn't want that to be the first time I go back into the vets. And when we do go in for the surgery I do want to go in as well because I'm going to want every bit of time I can have with my dog before. So yeah.
And Sunday was swimming. Mum's cold had gotten a bit worse but it's just a cold. It's a chesty cough. I look it up later and covid is a DRY cough so it's just a regular cold that came on a bit quick, clearly. Again we had our masks on and mum wasn't close to the swim lady, only a little at the start and end. I was closer to her to help with the dog but I wasn't sick. One good thing about it is that she had the doors wide open (which could lead to doggy escape antics) because it was warmer and it's really hot in there. Heated pool.
Well I might have been getting an irritated throat by then it's hard to remember exactly now.
Mum had monday off... actually THAT was vet day. She was a bit rougher. I think I cooked her soup. I didn't keep my journal updated on these things or at all so the exact timing of symptoms is a little tricky. As it had come on so quick we decided it would be best that she do a covid test Just in case. We still have some left from last year. 3 to be exact. (last year a colleague had been positive so the office had to get tested to be safe for work. She was fine. I did one before my booster because I had a sniffle. I've had a degree of sniffle for all 3 jabs, it's normal for me, change in seasons). So she did one. She did it a bit wrong. But it came up positive. Okay. Well she did do it wrong. So she decided to do another correctly next morning before work. Positive. Okay then. Called work and she's been off for a week. I went to bed as normal. Every time I wake up I feel like I MUST pee. So I woke up earlier than I wanted and decided I'd never get back to sleep worrying about whether or not I might wet myself if I fall back asleep (I have a fear of that. Last time I wet the bed I was far too old to be doing so and was very embarrassed. I dreamt I'd got up and gone to the toilet. Sat on the toilet and began peeing and then realized that something was wrong and that it had been a dream). So I got up to pee. And heard the TV on. Forget peeing. I went straight downstairs. I guess you tested positive then. Yep. By this point I don't exactly have a sore throat but it's irritated. It's a step below sore.
Mum's mostly had a chesty cough and stuffy nose. I had diarrhoea for 2 days. A sore throat. Which transitioned to stuffy nose and now dry cough.
My biggest fear when I have a cold is when you have a chesty cough and a blocked nose. You know when you cough and get all phlegmy and have to work so hard to cough and clear it out? Having that coincide with a snotty and/or blocked sinuses is terrifying. You need to use all the air you have to clear your air way one way or another and you can't take any more in. So yeah. When ever that has happened I've been terrified that I might die. But of course I haven't, so far. So when I have a cold I'm always relived that one phase starts clearing up before the other gets serious. It's usually nose then cough but has been known to go the other way round.
So yeah. I had to keep clearing my throat. I hope that's as bad as it gets. Nope. It moved to snot. My sinuses block up. That's been going on and off for 3 days now I lost sense of smell for a while because one sinus was blocked but able to breathe and the other nostril was snotted up. But once the other nostril cleared I had half a sense of smell. Depending on how my sinuses go I lose smell on and off. Mum had lost her sense of smell for a few days. I offered her things to sniff with no results. She caught a faint hint of a strong one. Some items (because I can't remember the details clearly otherwise I'd have mentioned the loss of smell and taste with her symptoms above) satsuma hand sanitizer (it's quite strong but not as strong as I wanted, I wanted to use her hand cream but that one wasn't opened so it wouldn't work), pink grapefruit soap and Vicks vapor rub. Nothing. She's getting it back slowly the past day or two.
When I woke up I knew something was wrong because I'd just refreshed the Olbas oil on the tissue by my pillow before bed and it lingers for at least 2 days in extreme potency (I've been a bit stuffy on and off over winter so I've been using it. It's 2 years out of date so loses it's potency a little quicker I think but it goes good for at least 2 days). When I woke up I couldn't smell it. It's usually so strong I have to turn away the first night (I use a bit too much). So I decided to do some tests based on the tests I gave Mum and this was the result.
Pink grapefruit hand soap. Nothing.
****.
Mouthwash. The faintest hint, like the ghost of long gone mouthwash.
****.
Vicks vapor rub. Nothing.
****.
And as I go downstairs just several repetitions of ****. It was the first word that came to mind and I just kept using it.
My sense of smell is very important to me (as it is to every one). I can usually smell some things that others don't notice right away. But my left nostril cleared and I was able to smell again and taste.
The cough WAS the worst thing about it for me until this nose blocking.
Once when I was a child I was alone in the living room at my childminder's. I had a cold and at this point it was manifesting as a bad cough. I had a coughing fit that made my eyes water. I'd had them before and I've had them since. It passed and I felt okay. Not long after and adult came in, saw my face and asked if I was alright. Yes. Well of course, the coughing fit you missed is over now. I realized it must've looked like I was crying.
Have you ever coughed so hard and so much that your eyes watered? I'm genuinely curious. I can't be alone in this. I have an extra tear duct so my eyes can water a bit more, that's why I wonder if this is normal for other people.
Surely you've had the one where you've coughed so hard you think you're going to be sick. It's much less common but it's happened. At the later stage of your cough when you're already worn out from days of coughing and your belly aches just at the thought of coughing and then one of those hits you and you wonder if you will ever stop coughing. and once you stop you HAVE to have a sharp intake of breath and it has to be through your mouth because it's already open and because you're nose won't take enough in and your throat catches and you start coughing again so next time you breathe more gently and you're fine. I'm hanging around that stage in the cold process. It's the part that usually comes towards the end. If this is all I end up having then I'll be unendingly grateful because I know people have died from this disease, drowning in their own lungs. What I've had to far just feels like a really bad cold. It's moved faster. The stages have been faster and stronger that I've had in the past. But I have had these kinds of symptoms at various points through out my life.
I've had head colds. I've produced excessive amounts of snot. I've coughed up phlegm (haven't had that yet this time but I might, mum has). I've had my nose so blocked I couldn't breathe. Coughed so hard I thought I would die. I know what to do to soothe my symptoms and I know that (if they're at this kind of strength at least) they won't kill me.
I've also had some aches and pains. They're the normal kinds of aches and pains I get but they felt a bit stronger and a little more frequent perhaps.
I've been a bit weak when I get up. That's a bit on and off because I haven't felt like that the past day or two but before that oh boy.
Thursday. My oh my. I'd decided to help my symptoms by wrapping up super warm in bed (I call it an artificial fever. Being a bit hotter than you'd prefer but it won't kill you and you can control it if it's too hot by kicking off a blanket or sticking your arm out or something to cool down a bit. It's probably dangerous do for a serious illness, I've never been worried until that day). So I'd bundled myself up in my winter bedding (it's been too hot to sleep like that for a month or so so I've just been using a regular duvet) 1 duvet folded over a bit. Another duvet with one side tucked into it so you can wrap yourself up as tight as you like and a blanket across the top mainly to hold the two duvets together because they overlap in the middle. Does make you sweat quite a bot though.
So yeah. Might have dehydrated myself a bit sweating. I hadn't eaten much the day before. 2 meals but no snacks of any kind and I'd been stationary for several hours before bed and then in bed and then it could also be a covid symptom. I wasn't exactly weak exactly. It was just more of an effort to do things and I felt tired. Drained. It took a while to perk up. I took a few hours to eat breakfast. Honey oats with a few raisins in. I was hungry but I didn't feel hungry in my stomach. I get like that sometimes if I leave it a while while feeling hungry.
I tried to get enough water but it will take time to process. You don't just have a drink and that's it instant hydration. Same for processing food. It will take time. I also worried my circulation was an issue. Later on when I felt better I had a little go at Ring Fit. Just gentle exercise. Big mistake. It was somehow awful and the effort hurt my head. I'd also spent the previous evening trying not to cough which isn't good and still hurts your stomach muscles. Anyway.
Once the water and nutrition were processed and I settled down I felt better but it took a while. Nothing felt particularly wrong I just didn't feel right really.

I have had some issues eating. At first it was an odd lack of desire to finish the oats in a timely manner. I had an irritated throat to start then later with my nose blocking it was hard to breathe. Not exactly hard but tricky. I don't want to breathe while there's food in my mouth because I worry I'll inhale it. But eating while mouth breathing with a dry throat and knowing that a coughing fit will block my throat for a little while but being unable to breathe through my nose at least. Terrifying thought. So I ate slowly then. And then belly aches from coughing interfering with my feelings of hunger (it usually happens with period pain. I usually can't tell I'm hungry until I burp the taste of empty stomach. It tasted like regular gas and a hint of stomach acid).
Usually I've only struggled to eat breakfast. Until Friday.
I had noodle soup. I love this soup. Nice and salty. (oh, I also wondered if the Thursday slump could be decreased sodium, I wasn't having salt and I've been drinking more and I heard a story a few days before about someone who'd had water poisoning but that was over weeks of drinking too much water but still. But having salt will dehydrate you. I ate three pretzel sticks just in case and had some water to counter the possible dehydration).
But this is Friday's story now. I felt okay on Friday. Ups and downs but good at dinner time.
Noodle soup. I decided to treat myself with a boiled egg like in the picture. A bit selfish but the eggs are out of date and need eating (gas prices have gone way up because of Events so I'm trying not to use the oven if I can help it). And a spring onion. It's the only fresh vegetables we have. We went shopping a week prior. The onions are actually 2-3 weeks older. I keep them in water to regrow so I can prolong their life and have ready access to fresh spring onion when ever I want. For a while at least.
It was great. And I was REALLY happy. then my sinuses blocked. And I couldn't breathe through my nose. And, as I was also coughing by this point, I couldn't risk eating and mouth breathing. On and off my nose would clear. Mostly one nostril randomly and I'd try to eat while I could. But the process of eating blocked the sinuses again. Had to have my head at a different angle to the one that cleared the nostril. So in the end it took HOURS before I finished my dinner. In the end it was stone cold and kind of looked like sick but tasted delicious still.
Since then I haven't struggled as much to eat.

Mum's adamant she'll go to work tomorrow. Can we really do that? Don't coughs and sneezes spread diseases? All of the covid restrictions for England were lifted but you are advised to take appropriate precautions. You can stop being infectious as early as 5 days or you could continue to be infectious up to 10 days the internet tells me. Under current guidelines she can take a lateral flow test after 5 days and if it's negative she can go back to work. Now that's a pickle. We only have ONE test left. So if it's clear then all is well. But if it's not then we have no more tests and you're not supposed to go into a pharmacy if you are infectious and we're not buying online if we can help it so yeah. To make matters worse You're supposed to report a positive covid test. I only found that out after Mum had disposed of her tests because you need to include the identity number of the test used. Realistically I should've thought of that but how would I know. So far for use covid is a thing that's happened to other people and we're not particularly close to anyone who's had it at the time and you don't hear about it so much anymore so you get lax. I started to fill in the form to see what it was about. Why did you take a covid test? None of the reason's listed are I had a cold and it turned out to be covid and I took the test just in case to protect my work colleagues. Sigh.
Oh by the way we called the vet and the swim lady once we knew just to warn them. They're the only ones we might have been close to. I would put the test and trace app on my phone but I don't take it out with me so it wouldn't know where I've been and/or who with. Mostly I don't go out. Only shopping. It's not required but we still wear our masks when we go out. I worked hard to make them (had to hand sew because we don't have a sewing machine) so I'm going to get a good use out of them if I can. I'm so glad we still do that. We could have infected people shopping too. Well we still might but the likelihood is less at least.
I wonder how we would have fared if we weren't double vaccinated and boosted. My Dad had covid last year...or the year before....they kind of blend into one don't they. And he said it was just like a bad flu for him. He was lucky.
So maybe it would've been the same for us. Buy maybe not. It's really not worth the risk.
I probably want to say something else but I think that's enough now.
Oh. The pressure in my head can get bad sometimes, especially if I have to put my head down. Coughing can really hurt it too but like it all that comes and goes.
I've been wondering how we got it. I'm 2-3 days behind mum but how long did we have it before symptoms showed? My dad's funeral is the obvious idea. The friend I labelled "Boiler Man" (he needs a more fitting name to show his significance) had a cough for example but there were others. We weren't wearing masks and there was hugging of people.
Also when my Uncle and his wife visited suddenly the day or so before they'd said they'd had covid 3 weeks ago. But I might have misunderstood that. Maybe they were cleared of it 3 weeks ago or they had it for 3 weeks.
Either way both events are a bit too long ago to be the cause. Internet says up to two weeks after infection. So unless we had it but weren't showing symptoms probably not. I've been a bit lax sanitizing shopping, leaving it a week if it's not perishable because I looked it up at the start and for the most part it lasted a week on surfaces but that might have changed since and with the variants and all. Who knows.
The thing is. I say I have covid. But I haven't actually had a test. It is ever so slightly possible that My mum has covid but I just have a bad cold. I very much doubt it though. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15541-At-Last-We-Meet https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15537-Funeral Mon, 28 Feb 2022 21:13:25 GMT Now then. The funeral is done. It was a lot but not as much as I thought.
I stayed up finishing face masks that we didn't even use so I'm not sure why I bothered but it made sense to me at the time.
We decided not to go in the car with THEM and in the end to just make our own way there anyway. It's a bit different to previous funerals I've been to. For example for 2 of the 3 the wake has been at the house of the deceased, the third was a local pub but I don't know if that was actually booked or if people were just going to go there, we didn't.
It's actually pretty close to where we go to hydrotherapy and I have a rough idea of how long it takes to get there so I wasn't too worried. But there are two issues with that. Firstly I'm not good with numbers so estimating time is tricky but also we go on the weekend and traffic is different. Mum, who actually drives, was worried because weekdays are heavy goods traffic. I hadn't realized that.
We were late leaving. Mum was getting stressed like she used to driving me to school. I wasn't too bothered. I was trying not to overthink everything. We were fortunate to make it just in time for the service. We had to slink in and sit at the back. A guy we've never met and probably definitely never heard of gave a long speech to describe my dad. Some things rang true to me but a lot of it I'd never heard of before. I flip flopped between acknowledgment and annoyance. THEY were at the front. I saw eyes being wiped and I felt hatred. I recognized one or two people at least. When the guy in charge of the service mentioned "the family" I had to fight not to snort too loud. The family. That doesn't mean us you know. I don't think he even knows we exist.
Afterwards as we left I took a moment to acknowledge the coffin. I'm still mad at you. We had a chance to mingle. People tend to keep to their social groups and that's what happened. The strangers stayed away but those who knew us came to say hello. His old friend/colleague who used to live next door (that's how they became friends) who did the boiler, his brother who I didn't really remember but guessed who he was, business partner (who also did the boiler and worked with my dad but not for as long) and an old friend who is kind of like a sister to him, she used to live over the road from us I haven't seen her for so long I had to ask who she was. It was so nice to see her. She's still the same. Older but basically the same.
SHE did a fly by having to hop between guests. I was not in the mood to be friendly so curt replies and glares from me only. Had he been there I doubt my dad would have noticed. But actual normal people how only really remember me from childhood figured out I was unhappy. To be fair it's not like I was hiding it. They told me my dad's friend (shall we call him Boiler Man for the sake of this story. He's more important than that but it's the best I can come up with right now. In that case the old friend we haven't seen for ages might as well be Deaf lady, she lip reads and apparently she thinks I'm quite easy to lip read. That's a surprise to me because I don't usually open my mouth much. Mumbling was a problem in my youth but being shy didn't help much either. I was a very stroppy child, she remembers that very clearly). Anyway they told me Boiler Man had also written something for my dad that heavily featured me and we think he was a bit annoyed that the other guy got to give a looooong speech about my dad.
It was really nice to have a protective little bubble of people we knew because you know I was worried about being around strangers. My uncle was there too and he mostly hung out with us.
He offered to show it to me later. I asked if he could send it to me to read later. I wasn't sure how I'd be and I didn't want to make a scene at the wake. I haven't read it yet. i want to get all this done first.
Deaf Lady's strongest memory of me is a street party when I was little (I think it can only have been VE Day) and I stormed off (just into the house). She said to my mum I think you'd better go and get her and my mum replied no, I'll leave her to calm down. I don't remember it at all but I don't doubt that it happened. I can't remember much of that kind of thing at all but I know for a fact that I was not a pleasant child, well not all of the time anyway. I've said before. I have the worst traits of my father.
The flowers that the florist did were nice. Not quite what we expected but still very nice.
We went to the wake, which was in a pub. It seemed important to me at least to go.
I mostly stood at the side because it was comfortable for me. I didn't sit except once briefly when I went outside. I just felt more comfortable standing and being able to move if I wanted to.
At both the funeral and the wake HER son didn't acknowledge us and the daughter came by just to greet us after the funeral then stayed with the group next to us but not acknowledging us. The son stayed sat in the corner through the whole wake with his wife, the guy who did the speech and a woman who is HER old friend. I know this because when the chance came I asked HER who all these strangers were. Yes that's either exactly what I asked or close enough to it. The group with the daughter were HER friends from work. Two groups were people my dad did jobs for and/or worked with and the other group were neighbours. The friends and neighbours didn't acknowledge us but some of the people he'd worked with/for actually remembered me and said hello. i couldn't remember them so they had to tell me but they were nice enough and it was very nice of them to remember me. That did feel nice, I wasn't invisible to EVERYONE at least.

In the run up to the funeral, while I was a bit down a few days ago, I had a thought as I walked home with Yui and watched a crow in the street. And a wood pigeon with a bit of a limp. Wood pigeons are fun. I thought it would be nice some how to see a crow when we come out of the crematorium. They're a good bird for it. They eat meat so they're known for being around the dead and they're all black which suits our traditional funeral attire and their CAW CAW cry is loud and obnoxious and I think it would be nice to hear, break up the atmosphere. Or a magpie. They're fun, cheeky but a little brighter than a crow. There wasn't one at the crematorium but there was birdsong and that was really nice. It was supposed to rain but it didn't but the sky was grey but that was kind of nice too. Fitting.
Anyway. Stood by the wall in the pub I could see out of the windows to the garden area and at one point I saw a crow. It made me feel really happy. It was cold so people only went outside to smoke and I popped out a lot just for variety. Too many people talking and a bit warm inside and sometimes I just wanted to feel the bracing cold, to ground myself or something I guess. Nice bird. I looked around for any after and there was never another crow that I saw. A seagull or two overhead and some pigeons. Nice birds.

When it came time to leave I decided to approach HER. This would be my best chance to make my only request. Mum and the others of our little group were leaving but I hung back and they didn't notice. Mum did look back for me. She saw the situation and left me to it. I'm not a child anymore and I made the choice to do this. (ordinarily I'm a shy little thing who would stay close to my mum and maybe get her to handle conversations for me. That persisted to early adulthood too so it's kind of nice to see that I have grown up even if it's just a little. I think I'm due to bleed soon so that might explain it)
SHE said buy as we were leaving and as I was last I made my move. I have a request. I'd like his house keys please. Not right now of course. She want's a picture so she knows what ones they are. I have them with me so I take them out and she takes a picture but I've just realized that I only thought to show the bigger more clearly recognizable key so I hope he kept them on a particular keyring so she knows they're together. I explained my reasons for asking and she was completely understanding. And then I asked the other question. I only thought of this at the wake and I'd been wondering if I should ask but I felt it was better to get this poison out sooner rather than later. Why didn't he tell me? She's not stupid. She knows what I mean. And we have a discussion. She tears up a few times. I'm close but I can hold it back if I have a moment to breathe. I really REALLY didn't want to cry today but of course if I feel emotion I have to show it.
Basically she kept telling him to tell us because it wasn't fair but of course he didn't. She told him things he did weren't right (like he used to turn up randomly after he moved out and just let himself in. I was happy to see him but it pissed mum off because it would make us even later for school especially if he decided to give the car a quick check over, yes he did that without request or consent. And SHE told him that he couldn't just do that, even though he owns half of the house it's US that live there. He took some heed because he did notify us of pick a particular regular time but he didn't actually stop letting himself in until we got the dog and started locking the door just in case she figured out the doorknob). It seems that it just didn't occur to him that these kind of things were hurtful. I explained to her HOW he told me about her and that I was angry about it and sorry (because it actually isn't her fault and I knew that but my feelings had to go somewhere) because I was angry at her because i couldn't be angry with my dad because he was dying and now he's dead so I couldn't let him know but I AM angry with him. And of course she was lovely and completely understanding and displeased (I don't know if it was as far as being angry) with him for leaving us in this mess. Because she kept telling him to tell us exactly so all this I'm going through now wouldn't happen. I didn't want to dump all of it on her there and then so I left out the things that didn't come immediately to mind. It turns out that I'm not as abnormal as I thought. SHE couldn't read my dad either. He didn't really express much and he always seemed grumpy at least. She said it was an effort to find pictures of him smiling.
So yeah. I don't HATE her anymore. But I am still angry with the situation. To be fair I never really hater HER. I just needed to be normal enough for the funeral. Now it's done and we've had some mending of the wounds my ****ING IDIOT FATHER caused I can let my anger settle squarely at his metaphorical feet (because he is or soon will be just ash, I'm not sure how long it takes to burn the body).
Mum and the group were waiting for me. They hadn't seen me hang back but my mum did. She told them we were having a moment so they nicely waited.

On the way home mum told me that Boiler Man had also tried to tell my idiot father that this secrecy wasn't good and mum told them how she'd felt about it all, that they'd separated so she didn't mind the relationship but could never forgive them for taking away two friends from a shy little girl (lonely really but she hadn't thought of that). He told me that my dad DID love me just you know how he was he couldn't say it. I know that. They hugged me. This is how normal people act.
This further enhances my suspicion that my dad was either a psychopath or near to the autism spectrum or similar condition. Because BOTH of his brothers are/were personable people while he was not.

I think I've figured out a good analogy for what he thought being a good parent was. It's someone who gets a dog and keeps it in the garden. It's fed, watered and sheltered sufficiently and maybe once in a while you take it for a walk or pat it on the head and you think You're a good owner. He buys toys for the dog too but doesn't play with them much or ever. But it turns out he DID play with the dog when it was an innocent puppy. He'd play with it all the time while it was small and cute but when it started to grow up he didn't spend as much time with it and then got to the state it where the dog is so isolated that it barely reacts to him. But, in the meantime, he was perfectly happy to play with other people's dogs and puppies, probably because he could just have the fun and not the responsibility of dog ownership.

Mum said to me when I voiced this thought once we were home that everyone thought he'd be alone and not get married and that his brother (the one still alive) would. But it ended up being the reverse. She said my dad was kind of the black sheep of his family.

It was kind of nice knowing that I'm not the only one who felt usurped (at the funeral at least). The human I'd think of to call my dad's best friend didn't get to make a speech in favour of the other guy who was a friend made much later. Usurped daughter. Usurped friend. The fact that old and new didn't mix save for work connections says it all really. It's really nice to know I'm not so alone though.

So yeah. That was the funeral. I'm glad I went. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15537-Funeral https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15536-Be-Careful-What-You-Wish-For Mon, 28 Feb 2022 02:00:28 GMT Well yesterday was an eventful day.
The day before I realized that we should probably tell my mum's side of the family that my dad died. Even though they've been separated a long time the family still ask about him from time to time so it seemed only right to let them know.
For speed and so as not to have to call them all and disturb them all individually, I decided to Facebook message the ones I have, which is only three but still, and let it filter through to the others. Two of them wrote back with condolences and stating that they remember my dad fondly (and I thought to myself well at least you have happy memories. That's a bit harsh though. I do have happy memories of him too bit unfortunately they're buried under and mixed in with a bunch of crappiness too) and the other told her husband who told him mum (my aunt) who later called my mum to express her condolences. She had an accident not last Christmas but the one before and her recovery's been slow (she's considerably older than my mum, she's the eldest of the siblings after all, my mum is the youngest) and even once she was physically recovered she'd lost her confidence and didn't go out alone. Well since they last spoke she has been out alone.
And after that call we wondered if we should call my uncle too (the three family members I contacted were all from my aunt's part of the family) because it seemed unfair to tell one branch and then wait for them to let him know. So mum called to inform him too and they thought we were inviting them to the funeral at such short notice. No. I did think to myself that that idea would be nice, to have some family I actually see well SAW. Before the god damned pandemic. And I've really been missing seeing my family. At this rate the kids will be teenagers before we see them again. Shame because I still have a bag of fun looking books that I kept randomly getting for the little ones, if it's the sort of book I think I would have liked I want to get it, have a flick through for myself and then give it to them for Christmas. But anyway. We don't know if the news has reached the third branch of the family (the family of my deceased aunt) but her widower's birthday is the day after the funeral and I have FINALLY made his birthday card so mum wrote a note in there to inform him too. It seems all the children in the family loved my dad when they were young at least because he'd play with them. I don't know if it remained the same after he had his own child but he sure had his ups and downs as a parent.
So yeah. We planned to shop on Saturday and maybe I'd wash my hair so that I had today to fix it if I messed up again (Don't know why. I think it's either impatience or because I've been leaving it too long between hair washes but I've struggled washing my hair properly for a while. Maybe it's because my hair's too long too? Either it's not wet enough to begin with, I don't shampoo it well enough or I don't rinse it well enough or a random mix of all three. And since the shower stopped working it's hard to sufficiently wet my hair unless I'm in the bath, which serves the dual purpose of hanging laundry up to dry). Anyway. I was also trying to make some new masks because I don't actually have any funeral appropriate masks and I'd like to have some just in case and I have a set of fabric that I haven't used yet and I've been wanting to. So I set to making masks and also trying to force myself to make a birthday card for a a little relative. I managed to push put the card (yes, it was a bit of an effort for me) but I still had the uncle card to do and I'll have a bunch of cards to do for the rest of march. So I have all my card stuff down here and my sewing stuff.

So. Now to Saturday.
I fell asleep downstairs so I got to bed late and because I had to wake up to go to bed it took a while to get back to sleep. Fair enough. I'd hoped to be up in time to see the repeat of a daytime family film I wanted to see but 11am or 12pm was clearly not going to happen. So I slept in and missed it. I'd heard mum come back with the dog. Went back to sleep. Then there was knocking at the door. Then again. Did mum lock herself out? But I thought I heard her come back. Sometimes when I've heard the door shut I've thought she was going out when she was actually coming back. So maybe she was going out? But I'm sure I heard her talking AFTER shutting the door meaning the walk was done and she was home. So I got up. put on my dressing gown and went to have a look and got to the stairs just in time to see. Mum answered the door to discover....dun dun DUUUUUUUN.....her brother and his wife at the door.
Now then. For a long LONG time she and later on we have been ashamed of the state of the house. It is not tidy. We're not at the level of those extreme hoarder shows, more like something in-between that and normal so to a normal person it's quite a sight. It was allowed to happen after my dad moved out because he was the one who liked things tidy and it was a source of tension between them. So yeah. It's steadily gotten worse over the past 20-25 years. So, if we can help it, we DO NOT let people in. NO ONE comes round unless they have to. So this was perhaps the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to us (although it is entirely our own doing so you can't really feel sorry for us).
They're the relatives who live nearest to us but it's still a while away.
PANIC STATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
They're both elderly and have health issues and they took the time to drove over to come and see us during this time of grief and I've, well I think we both have, missed them so much and they brought flowers (because that's what we do when we visit each other and of course because of bereavement) and it's so nice to see them but HOLY **** WE CAN'T LET THEM SEE THE PLACE BUT WE CAN'T TURN THEM AWAY. So yeah. The most wonderful thing ever and the most terrible thing ever at the same time (but despite the humiliation we felt and it was horrific, the joy is still the dominant feeling. And I've figured it out. We do need to tidy up anyway, even though it's a huge job, because no my dad's gone we'll have to hire tradespeople to fix things and to on. So we tidy it up well enough and then we can laugh about it later. Oh yes. It was so lovely to see you then but also I've never been so embarrassed in my life. But it's all sorted now so come over for tea when ever you like kind of thing)
So I ran down the stairs (in pajamas and dressing gown at gone 1pm) look at the living room and think how can I make it look a little less **** than it is. There really isn't much I can do but of course they'll need to sit down so I take my blanket off of my armchair (It was a Christmas present from mum, it has a zipper so you can wear it. It's my routine so snuggle up in it most nights and watch tv until bed) and threw it over a particularly unsightly pile of crap (it WAS a very uncomfortable little settee/sofa bed but since we didn't need the extra seating it ended up being where mum put her stuff and steadily grew, plates, post, tissues, socks, snacks just to name a few and where I put recycling because the recycling basket is on the other side of the room (it's my flimsy laundry hamper from Uni, since I didn't need it a home we gave it a new job and it's gotten torn up pretty bad doing it) and you can't even reach it even if it was clean because we have a table and a storage box/seat (which I'm using as an extra snack table yes we have quite a collection of snacks)). It didn't do much but at least it hid something that would make them even more disgusted with us. There is very little foot room especially with the dog bed to. Just a decent path from my chairs (my desk chair and arm chair, the armchair's only mine because it's on this side of the room and mum has the other one and as it's just the two of us there's no point not using it (just a few years ago that chair was only used for Christmas, I only used my desk chair so I used it to put stuff on and it only got cleared off so my dad had a chair at Christmas)). And the hallway is occupied by the dog's things, she prefers the hallway, a cool mat that's burst a little so we have it folded over, an orthopedic bed with a thin cooling bed on top (mostly because the soft beds gather hairs and she keeps licking the beds, so the cool beds get swapped round so one's always being cleaned) an old bed that's flattened (it was her first bed, too small for her really) with another cool bed on top.
So mum worried about them navigating the hallway since neither of them and light on their feet.
Coming in my uncle nearly tripped on a shoe box and then got his feet a little caught up in the yoga mad when sitting down (It's a thick yoga mat we put under her bed to give it a little more cushioning because it's a bed with loose stuffing that shifts and flattens and as an added bonus it's pretty long so i rest my feet on it because sitting in that chair I have my feet flat and it makes them ache a bit sometimes)
Mum warned them the house was a mess. They said they'd seen worse (that was before they saw it. Normally when people say their house is a mess it means that they're having work done and that's why it's messy so it's pretty safe to say that's what they thought we meant).
I could at least explain the crap by and on my desk. Making cards and masks. But it doesn't explain the rest of the room or that only half of my desk is usable...well a quarter really since the computer (which is usually what I do use my desk for) takes up half of the half of my desk.
Thankfully I have a tin of biscuits with a mix of biscuits in. I'm the only one who eats them but they're available if mum wants them too. So I offered the assorted biscuits which is at least one thing normal people do for guests. Mum made tea and I left them to go and get dressed and tidy up upstairs in case they wanted to use the toilet/bathroom. I was gone quite a while. And when I say tidy I mean clean the dust off the bathroom scales and shoves crap in the cupboard and then get the stuff I've had left on the landing since before Christmas (including my Christmas card stuff) into my room and shutting the door. Not long after I returned they left both of us were cringing for the next hour or so. This is a mess that's a mess. Well it could've been worse. What if this had happened? Or that? Oh don't it doesn't bear thinking about. Don't worry, I'm sure they won't tell any one. They will. Will they? I didn't think they'd do that. Oh they will. .....Well they're pretty old, they'll forget soon enough. They won't forget (they're still pretty sharp after all). Well it's done now.
We went shopping and once we were home mum suddenly remembered that we could have asked my uncle about a lemon tree.
When we went to the garden center I also got a little orange plant because why not? but it doesn't have care instructions and all I know is that it's an indoor plant and needs full sun. And mum said her brother had a lemon tree some time ago. Maybe we should ask him about it. Of course we forgot about it during the phone call. But then he miraculously turned up at our door.
So yeah. Be careful what you wish for.
Mortifying as it was it was still worth it to see them and they were so wonderful to come round and see us just because we were bereaved. My uncle wasn't sure he'd remembered the way it had been so long. Mum had been watching tv when they knocked. And you know we don't open the door at the first knock.
Of course I was so focused on the inside that I forgot what t state the outside is. Things are showing their age considerably and because we don't have a gate the wind blows all sorts of rubbish in and the foxes bring things in too.
Oh well.

I actually started writing this up yesterday but gave up early on in favour of making the last birthday card.

It's the funeral tomorrow. Well today really. We'll see how it all goes. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15536-Be-Careful-What-You-Wish-For https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15534-Facing-Death Thu, 24 Feb 2022 19:46:19 GMT We saw the body today.
We were informed Tuesday night that the Funeral is the very end of February. It's a bit quick but, just a little but okay. That works out. It's sandwiched right in-between the birthday of a little cousin and an uncle 27 feb-1st mar (I still haven't made the cards yet) and March is a really busy time for me. It's my birthday, was my dad's birthday and most of the men on Mum's side have birthdays in March and one or two of the children too. I don't know. It's just that March is and was a very significant month for us so I kind of do appreciate that the funeral is February rather than March.
Not much time to arrange funeral flowers though. Because we should send something. Even though HE wouldn't give a damn about flowers. Mum wanted to do something special like the crest of his favorite football team. We'd looked at a few already but the ones we liked were either too big or too far away. SHE wanted to get one of his favorite train. I had a look. Nothing readily available so it'd have to be completely custom and that's a lot to ask of a florist since they require at least five days notice for the kind of thing we were looking at, let alone doing a custom design. I knew it wouldn't materialize. We settled on a design but couldn't try to order it until yesterday and we also had to book a time to view the corpse and mum was at work that day. So I volunteered to book the viewing time. It made sense since I'm not comfortable taking her card details to order the flowers and I haven't been particularly bothered about the flowers myself because I know my dad would not give a **** about flowers. In truth it's all about the living. Regardless of what the deceased may or may not have wanted once they're gone is actually irrelevant. What comes after is all about those who remember them. So if picking flowers the deceased might like brings you any comfort or even if you just pick ones YOU like in the end it's all about you and your grieving process and no one grieves the same way. Were I making the decision on my own I would still send flowers but I wouldn't have gone to the extra effort of picking out a significant design. A nice wreath with flowers in the team colours. And, as there was no way the florist could do the design we finally settled on anyway, that's basically what she's ordered. When looking for themed flowers we did find wreaths like the kind we think we've ordered. There weren't specific themed wreaths on the florists site but we trust that they will achieve a similar kind of result. We've been in contact with HER. She couldn't get the design she was planning either. Well of course not. So she's going for one related to this work instead. So neither of us get what we planned but I think these tributes will be fitting and maybe even better all in all. Maybe. Because the funeral's not happened yet and there is ever such a slight risk that dumping my feelings out into the void like this will be seen by someone connected to us so I am avoiding saying what the team is and what his job was even though I've already told you both of those things before.

So yeah. I booked the viewing. It was quick and simple, as of course it would be. They deal with the bereaved every day so they want it to be as simple and painless for you. She sounded nice on the phone.

So we went to see him today.

On the way I had a thought. This is probably the only time that I have had the control over when I see my father. I don't know. I think it feels kind of nice thinking that. That his one time I got to decide. To be fair it was within set parameters but I had many times to choose from in that time and I still got to pick the time. So yeah. A....I don't know what I was saying here. SHE is texting me because she keeps trying to send mum stuff but her phone can't receive it. Sigh.

Anyway.

We went to see him. The funeral person was, as expected, nice, soft spoken and quick. And then there it was. The chapel of rest. The coffin. The body.
We'd been warned in advance that he'd lost a lot of weight at the end.
There's a huge difference between being warned about something and actually experiencing it.

He looked like a character from a horror film. You know the kind? when the skeletal vampire figure lays in a death-like slumber until you get close then it grabs you all dramatically and rips your throat out.
His face was almost lifelike in colour. The tip of the nose looked oddly pale. But the hands looked pale and a bit mottled.
I've never seen a dead human. I've seen dead animals so it's not my first dead body. But my first dead human.

It looked like himself but also not like himself at the same time, if that makes sense.

I didn't cry at first.

I felt the hand. Cold of course. Kind of tight feeling skin. But that may be partly because of the weight loss too. I don't know if he's been preserved. I looked up what to expect when viewing a body but it was an American website and I don't know if it's all done the same. Is it really worth preserving a body if you're going to cremate it? Actually yes. Now that I think about it. Decay happens very quickly, at least so the tell us in CSI shows.

What made me cry was the thought of leaving him. I got to a point that I wasn't saying much any more and mu asked if I wanted to go and it took me a while to say that I kind of feel like I don't want to leave him because I'll never see him again.
But then again he's not really there. It is just a body. But still. Now I really will never see him again.
I got used to seeing him like that quite quickly. He stopped looking like himself but not himself and became only himself if that makes sense.

Did I ever tell you about when I saw the moon through a telescope. I could see the shadow of the curvature of it and I had the dumbest thought. I thought something that I had never once doubted. It really is real. The moon actually exists and it really is round and I cried with happiness. I had never in my life doubted the existence of the moon nor the shape of it. But confirming that with my own eyes was somehow so special to me.

And seeing the body is kind of like that. I knew he was dead because there'd be no reason to lie about that. But until you confirm it with your own eyes, you get to study it for yourself you can never be completely sure. There is always the tiniest room for doubt. Seeing the body means that I can never be in doubt. I felt his chest too. Cold, even with a shirt, but colder than the hand. Solid and unmoving. None of springiness of living tissue. I could come up with any number of fantastical stories with varying levels of believability and maybe try to convince myself that it wasn't real. But seeing the body myself. I can never be in doubt. Sure I can still come up with crazy theories if I want but I will always know that they aren't true and that he really is dead.
His eyes were closed. He did look like he was sleeping.

I did tell him a little bit that I'm still mad at him but it wasn't worth getting into the details. Despite that he was still my father.
I couldn't hug him like I always did. Well I could've maybe leaned in and done a little attempt at a hug but no. I wasn't going to do that. I gave him a distant hug, which is a wave. If I want to hug my Mum but she's late for work or something I'll wave instead of a hug, so in that context a wave is a distant hug. He wouldn't get it because he didn't know I thought that. But it wasn't about him really. It was about me.
I am glad that I got to see him.

We couldn't see any specific parking so we had to park at the store next door which had signs up saying that parking was half an hour for customers. So afterwards we went in to buy anything so that we actually were customers.
Meatballs. Sliced beef and daffodils. Then a bag of nuts.
Of course. Because that's obviously what you do right after seeing the corpse of your estranged husband/father.
But that wasn't all.
I spied a garden center as we were leaving and I really needed to get some bits to plant seeds. An internet gardener said to sterilize the soil (if it's not already sterile) and that seeds need very light soil to grow in so you put this super light stuff in it to fluff it up and you sift the soil to get bigger bits and things like bark chippings out because seeds really are delicate and do best with no obstructions. Which might explain some of the issues I've had previously. I really want to do it better this year so we'll see how I go.
But of course while we were in there there were other things that caught our eye. In the end we were there for about an hour. So yeah.
It was kind of nice to bee there. There were healthy plants and bright flowers already and it's a company that we used to go to for all our gardening/DIY needs but then it closed so we had to go to a different chain of stores.

I think now is a good time for a funeral. Winter is on the way out. Things have already started blooming. And things are always brighter and happier in the Spring. I think it should be easier to pull yourself out of sadness in the brightness of spring Spring rather than coldness of Winter.

In other news.
Yesterday the dog started pawing at her mouth. She made it bleed.
So I gave her half a paracetamol and put the cone on her until it had time to work.
We looked into this and mum asked the vet about it (but she seemed busy and was a bit quick with her answers. Fair enough, it's not easy to be a vet) I think it's 10mg for every kg. But the internet also said that more shouldn't kill her unless she's sensitive to it. But also that giving any medication should have the go ahead of the vet. So now we're reluctantly giving her half a 500mg paracetamol. We've only done it once before.
She was shivering after hydrotherapy and we were worried that she was in pain (because her rotten teeth really do bother her). Thinking about it more we think that she was cold. It was cold even though I put the heating on for her, she was still damp. Being a husky you don't really think about them getting cold. But she was wet right through from the swimming, it was cold and she's very old now. She seemed better and I put a dry towel over her for a bit. It wasn't much but I hoped it would serve a dual purpose of giving her a tiny bit of warmth and drying her a bit too. I planned to swap it for another dry one once it became damp. Later on, when she seemed fine, I put her but against the radiator for when she came back in. She came in too soon an I had to half shove it under her as she half lay on it and put a warm towel on her. She didn't look like she minded at least.

But yeah. She's been pawing at her mouth. And when we came back today she wanted a walk so i took her. Then I noticed her (I call it the thumb claw but it's called the dew claw) claw sticking out. Then it was twisted round. Normally we just let her shed those naturally but as she's older now and she doesn't play with toys or have big treats I got her some claw clippers a while ago. We never used them because I was unsure. They say if it's the first time you should only do a little. It's like when I cut down my nails to try and learn guitar. It felt weird but it was livable and after a while I got used to it. But with that at least I knew and understood what was going on and I chose to do it. A dog doesn't have that knowledge to comfort them.
So yeah. I got some clippers but didn't use them. But now I'm so glad I did.
The claw wasn't as bad as I thought. It had just shed like normal but was still hanging on by a little bit. I got mum to hold her (because she hated her paws being messed with) and went in with the clipper and just slipped the little bit off. While I was there I had a look at the other one. It was long and curling round into the fur. Not into the flesh but I worry that it could in the future. I just snipped a little off of the tip and used a nail file to try and smooth the edges. I'd like to trim it back a little more but I don't know where the quick is so I don't want to do it too much.
I'm so proud of her. She was so calm and such a good girl and it's her first ever nail clipping (well the first since we've had her at least, I don't know about before)
So yeah. She's a good girl and both of us humans agree that it was worth buying the clippers even if they're only used that one time because those claws could've caused real mischief today or later on.

So yeah. It's been an eventful day but there were good things about it. I'm grateful for that. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15534-Facing-Death https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15532-coping-adequately Fri, 18 Feb 2022 16:32:50 GMT Well. He's dead. He died on my dog's birthday interestingly enough. She's 14 now. That's old for a husky. At points it felt like a race between the two of them. My dog has seen her birthday. My father didn't see his. I doubted he would. Late March seemed optimistic since it could also have only been a week when he told me.
It's very VERY windy here. I keep smelling dust now. The house is old and wind this strong must be blowing plaster and cement dust in through the cracks. My uncle called yesterday. Apparently he tried to call the day before but was only calling my Mum's phone. It was obvious. He didn't have her number and he'd only have one reason to call. He didn't want to call me because he wasn't sure how I'd react. I'm 33 years old but never mind. I appreciate the thought. I vaguely remember mum calling his phone when we were visiting my uncle one Christmas and I was very confused because it came up with my name. It was our home phone number but of course he wasn't living here so he wouldn't list that as home but I would so that's why it confused me. So I guess that's why my uncle didn't call the house. Because it has my name on it in my dad's phone.
I cried by the way. I couldn't not. I was already kind of low before the call. So I'm not emotionless. I don't want to cry again though. But it'll pop up. It always does.
I didn't go to see him again. Now I'll never see him again. The finality of it is what gets me.
As deaths go I think this one was pretty well set up for me at least. Steadily more estranged over the years. An incurable cancer diagnosis so a rough timer is set so that you know to say and do the things you want to do if you can. A warning that death is right round the corner now. And then death. Realistically it makes no physical impact on my daily life. I barely saw him. Barely spoke to him. The biggest hole he leaves is who do we call when something breaks? The emotional hole is different though but currently not as great as I thought it would be. There's a hint of relief. Ever since he told me death was imminent I've woken up every day and had a thought at one point or another every time I look at my phone. Today could be the day we get a call or message to say he's dead. I really can't stand that anticipation and anxiety. It's like when you're making toast and you think to yourself the toaster will pop soon so don't be startled. Then all you can do is focus on the toaster and the anticipation and anxiety build and even though you think you're prepared you still jump when the toaster goes but because you were so heavily focused on it it's somehow more startling. kind of like that but stretched out over an indeterminate period of time. Does that make sense?

First sadness.
Then slowly transitioned into annoyance and anger.
We'd just done shopping and were hungry. Then the call. Then I'm looking up how to cope with grief while she's still on the phone because we know. We just know. My mum hugs me a while and strokes my head. And then we have to look into trying to find my dad's extended relatives because of course he didn't have contact information so I'm trying to facebook some very common names and google map the address my Mum thinks they're at even though I know it's a colossal waste of time because we don't have enough information and missing a sweet dog adoption show. We caught the end on catch up an hour later, the couple adopted the puppy like we hoped, we hadn't seen the other dog's stories. I'd turned the tv off for the call because I felt we should be absorbed in the moment and not slightly distracted by cute dogs.
Mum called my uncle back for more information (the other son's name) and he remembered the correct house number so I google mapped it and we think it looks right so now we have to go there tomorrow to try to inform them.
If you think I'm estranged from my dad and uncle then that's nothing compared to the rest of them.
Some time back. I don't know when. Years. I mentioned a funeral. I wasn't sure if I should go but I knew what I'd wear if I did and I went (I'd called it mu funeral dress long before a funeral because it seemed smart and respectful and I'd only ever worn it for Halloween previously and black thermal leggings as it was cold and that way I didn't have to worry about socks (I prefer my legs to be covered but trousers with a dress would be weird and I really don't like tights and they seemed a bit formal somehow)). It was for my dad's aunt who I vaguely remember meeting once in my life as a teenager for a significant birthday party of hers that we were invited to when, predictably, my dad didn't go.
Then when my dads' other brother died we were tasked (by my dad) to go and inform them of the death, because we're closer geographically. We went. But she was out so we went next door because a relative lives next door but no answer there either so we left a note and she called later. She thought next door were in but they were having problems with someone so didn't open their door at all and basically did that whole Jurassic Park T-rex's can't see you if you don't move thing like we do when there's a knock on the door. (It's either people selling stuff or canvasing for politicians and if it's important, like a meter reading or a parcel, they'll leave a note and no one ever visits us so we're just not accustomed to answering the door).
Then we went to the funeral where, as I was now an adult, I tried quite hard to pay attention to these strangers so I could remember them later. No luck. I'm not good with faces and a lot of these people I probably haven't seen since I was a baby. So it should actually be that THEY hadn't seen ME since I was a baby.
And now we're tasked with trying to inform them of my dad's death.
People I don't know for someone I barely knew.

I'm not particularly angry but I'm finding comfort in the fact that if I try I can get angry at my dad if I want to. For when I don't want to be sad. Just think of the lie that wasn't actually a lie it just wasn't telling the truth for 20+ years and there's a little bubble to try and push the sadness aside for a little.
I've been quite matter of fact in the run up to this and I've decided to carry that on now.
There are practical concerns to deal with.
I'd already been thinking that I want to get his house keys. I don't want THEM having access to our house. I finally voiced that thought to mum yesterday. Little did I know that he was already dead. It makes sense for the keys to come home. I think they belong here. I know where I want to put them but I won't write it. You don't want people knowing where spare keys to your house are.

Originally MY keys were the spare keys. They were cut in my lifetime. I was there when we picked them up. They were cut so that friends could feed the cats when we were on holiday so they have the back door key too.
When I needed to have my own keys because I started getting the bus home and/or for emergencies, they became mine. They were cut from my mum's keys. I find that kind of special I think. But for safety my dad's keys need to come home. Then they can all be together under the same roof. My keys were cut after he moved out, so they've never lived together. So I want them to live together now. I need a moment here.

It comes and goes but I don't let it be for very long. I'm not in the mood to wallow.

I haven't been sleeping well. It's been quite a warm winter so far and now the wind and I've had digestive discomfort and now when I try to sleep I have to try not to think about it. You'll never see him again is not a helpful realization to suddenly have when you're trying to fall asleep.

Parents are supposed to die before their children.
Everything that exists in your life will be gone but if you're lucky you'll die before that happens.
But everything carries on. Millions of people die every day. Millions more are born.

Did I tell you that he popped into a dream briefly. Just turned up. Woke me up for a chat. Then the government launched rockets outside my window ro combat the storm (not just my window but those ones I could see really close) so we were evacuated and we parted ways with a kind of off he goes then to randomly drop in another time when he feels like it. Part of me thinks there's some supernatural spiritual element in this. He was saying goodbye (because, as it turns out, he was already dead by this point), he popped in for a visit, it was a sign of some kind. But the other part of me sees it for what it was. He's been on my mind a lot for the past 2 years and subsequently he's popped up in dreams and the closer we've been getting to March the more I've been thinking that he's going to die so he's been on my mind more so by coincidence anxiety dream meets death time-ish.

Did I tell you the dog was prescribed hydrotherapy?
We found a place a way away from us, nothing closer existed. A nice lady runs it. And Yui's been doing pretty well. I don't think she likes it. I don't know if she hates it. She shows no obvious signs of distress. I think she just puts up with it. But she likes the car ride to get there at least. And the interesting smells of many other dogs that have gone before her. We saw 6 swans last week. we got her a thick yoga mat to get her in and out of the car easier. She's not too steady doing it and it's a tight fit so now she has a sturdy cushion so she doesn't bang into hard things but it's not soft and deceptive so that it sinks when she puts her weight on it and it's not as solid as she thought.
I'd got one the week before for us to use for exercising because the floor is very wobbly. I hoped the thick mat could absorb some of the shock and also cushion our feet. Yes. OUR. I've finally got mum playing Ring Fit now and then too. It's sporadic. I haven't been playing lately and I've not been feeling good so I've started trying to get back into it this week.

Yu's mat isn't just used for the car. Her one spends the rest of the week under her bed to give her a little extra cushioning and has the added bonus of cushioning my feet when I sit in the chair. It's kind of warm too which is good because our house if very drafty especially at floor level.

On the subject of being drafty a while ago we could smell a strange smell. Turns out an unknown man was stood right outside our door smoking in the middle of the night. I put my shoes on to take the dog out to confront him but he'd gone. But there was stuff on the doorstep. Some time prior we'd seen it there and wondered if it was an animal. It looked like spit. Well it's only there when he's there. So the dirty bastard is hanging around outside our house in the middle of the night smoking and spitting like he owns the place. The next time he was sat on the step smoking. This time I leapt into action. Fumbled around in the dark to put the lead on the dog (wasn't going to put the light on and warn him) and got to meet him. He knew he was in the wrong. I'd planned what I'd say the first time we saw him but didn't meet. Semi-aggressive but understandably so in the circumstances so as not to be overtly rude. "Who the **** are you?"
He said he was just a neighbor. No name. He knew he shouldn't be there etc. Then off he trailed down the street. My responses were matter of fact. No you shouldn't. Well I have a dog to walk. i had my keys in my hand the whole time Just in case. And that was that.
It was a bit odd for the dog. She'd only been out the hour previous.
Well the other day I could smell smoke again and this time it wasn't tabaco he was smoking if you catch my drift. It's very common around here. It reeks. I flew into action again, getting my shoes on to take the dog out. But he left. I think he heard the dog getting up before I was ready. I took her out through and saw him wandering down the street. Been spitting again. I hurried us round the other way to see if we could confront him. It's for the best that we didn't see him on the way back. I had my little sword. (This is years and years back. We had riots going on in an neighboring area bur it didn't really hit us personally but for comfort when walking the dog i put a little replica sword keychain from the anime Bleach that my mum had got me for either birthday or Christmas. Tokyo Toys in Trocadero closed down a while ago now. Shows you how long ago it was. But at the time she'd go there. But she only really knew of two animes I watched so if it was a reasonably sized/priced thing then happy birthday/Christmas). So I've kept them in my pockets ever since. I've never planned to use them. They're blunt of course but probably have about the same stabbing power as a pen if you just thrust forward. Highly unlikely to kill unless you're unlucky enough to hit something vital. I just like to slip one out if I get a bit paranoid and feel it in my hand. It serves more as a distraction for me than as a weapon. But IF someone DID intend some kind of mischief then having a shiny pointy thing that COULD look like a knife might make them think twice. I usually have my hand up my sleeve. You don't want to draw attention to a thing that could look like a knife unless you REALLY have to because it could bring you trouble rather than averting it. i had one in each pocket but the smaller one snapped so I just have the slightly thicker one now. It is a touch more menacing of the two designs. I had one on my bag too with some other key chains but three would've been a but much but I did want to put them somewhere but didn't know where so when the coat idea came along it made sense. They weren't really on display but they still served a purpose.
Anyway. For comfort, and just in case (because I don't know what those junkies might be like. People on drugs can be dangerous after all and it IS a drug) I had the little sword in my hand, up my sleeve. Also, if need be I do need to sent a strong message to this guy. He thinks it's okay to hang around my house. If we let him keep taking liberties how bad will it get? But he knows where we live and is on drugs so if we offend him somehow then he could cause us trouble and I've looked into it. It's not a police matter unless he actually does something. So yeah. If I encounter him I need to clearly let him know that he is not ever welcome on our property but without making threats because they would be empty and might make things worse.

The first two times we knew he was there it wasn't even raining. It's still rude but at least if he were sheltering from the rain it would be understandable that he was at our door. But it wasn't. There was no reason for it. Last time it was raining a bit at least but still. You've already been caught and confronted. I naively assumed that having been caught out he wouldn't come back. But when he did I started wondering if I need to say to him very clearly please don't come onto my property again.
Now I put the hallway light on when I go to check the door, to assert dominance.
We've been having the light off since Christmas because it saves electricity and the lights were nice. Since the lights are gone we've already gotten into the habit of light off at night so I can see why you might think we weren't going to catch you at the the door.
Also if we have the light on the old lady across the road comes over (She shouldn't, her mobility is not good and we have high steps) to ask my mum to buy her cigarettes because the man she uses for his was away and her phone was broken or something. Yeah. No. We are not going out in the middle of the night to buy you cigarettes. You're old. Your health is ****ed. You happened to do this on the same day my father called me to tell me he will be dead within the week or month and I just confronted a trespasser smoking on my front doorstep. So no. We will not buy you cigarettes. Give up smoking. Then you'll have money to buy groceries. You know how she asked? C. I. G. S. And we have to take a moment to figure out why the **** she's spelling a word like there's a 3 year old you want to keep a secret from nearby and what the **** she's trying to spell then figuring out what the **** it means because we don't smoke so cigarettes doesn't jump to the front of our minds. So yeah. We may have been quite curt with her but it's understandable.

So yeah.
As you can see, I'm coping adequately for now. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15532-coping-adequately https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15529-Something-is-Better-Than-Nothing Fri, 28 Jan 2022 16:20:51 GMT I've been feeling a bit unsure since my last entry. I've been worried that I wasn't exactly clear about my feelings. It was my attempt to account for several months of feelings that built up and came out at one point. I've thought about adding some more clarification or writing a follow up. Not long after my dad wound up in hospital. This time for high calcium and I wondered if letting unhappy feelings out into the world was a wise idea or not. I looked it up. It can be really REALLY bad if not treated. He didn't even notice. Most likely because the symptoms are similar to the side effects of his treatment. But he had a checkup before another round of chemo and they spotted it. I looked into it more. It's a common side effect of later stage cancers including prostate and bone cancer. The cancer can cause calcium to leak out into the bloodstream.
Then he was discharged...I think. He's not great. He's gone down a bit again but. He's not super forthcoming with information because there's not much going on and he's tired of it all most likely.
My mum's birthday came and went. I've been trying to secretly knit a cardigan for Christmas again (I didn't have enough so was hurriedly knitting a scarf instead for her birthday last year. I was finishing it off when she came home so I had to retreat to my room and finish it completely suspiciously). Not done for Christmas this year either so I'm aiming for her birthday again and miss spectacularly. Almost one sleeve and almost one back piece. Well now I have plenty of time for next Christmas. Since I only had paltry gifts for her without the cardigan I decided to give her a nice lunch instead. An afternoon tea. And since I usually have to eat most of the cake to save wasting it I decided not to do cake again this year. I made mini strawberry (which became strawberry, raspberry and blueberry) cream tarts. It was a toss up between cream and custard. I got both. I had to time it perfectly to get up as soon as she went out with the dog, as it was on her day off so she'd be home all day and I didn't want cream sitting in the fridge. It would lose all it's whipping. My mixer is SUPER noisy and fast on the lowest setting. So I needed her to be out while I whipped the cream so that she wouldn't suspect a thing. I could only get very small pastry cases so they were a bit smaller than I'd planned and so I had a bowl of cream left over. Why does whipping cream only come in 1 size? She came home just as I'd finished hiding the evidence. I'd originally hoped to surprise her completely but as it was to be a lunch and we usually eat breakfast pretty late so don't actually do lunch i had to inform her to have a "light breakfast". Because if lunch was too late then dinner would be too late and I had more treats planned for that. Fish and chips with a frozen lemon meringue pie.
I made assorted sandwiches, served up some hot (though they were only slightly warm by the time I dished it all up) and some cold picnic type items and a selection of biscuits for the tea part of afternoon tea. it was a bit much but what we didn't eat was saved and eaten the next day or so. So yeah. That was that. She seemed to have a nice time and that's all I wanted for her.
A few days later my dad called and apologized for not calling on her birthday and thanked me for "entertaining" her. Which was odd and baffling. Did he somehow thing he was integral to our birthday plans? No. I think he was just feeling unhappy and guilty with everything that's going on with him. He needn't worry.

So back to my feelings regarding my dad and all.
When I wrote my last entry I was kind of calmer than I may have seemed. I was going more into a kind of numb uncaring state rather than rage. Though digging through my feelings to write up how I'd felt previously did allow some anger to surface where needed for the story. And I've been not exactly struggling but more wondering if it's okay that I couldn't seem to feel anything. I'm aware that some of my thoughts and feelings mentioned previously were incredibly petty and childish but that was what I had felt at the time even tough I was coming out of that phase when I wrote it up. And that is why I was hating myself so much for having those feelings in the first place. Just so you know.
Anyway. Now I've kind of moved onto nothing. And I'd wondered about writing that up as a follow up so I could explain what I've just explained with a title along the lines of Nothing is Better Than Something because the something had previously been anger. And I thought this numbness would be how I felt for as long as this plays out and that would be better than rage.

Well. I got a call out of the blue yesterday while I was dealing with dog diarrhoea and was still in pajamas.
My dad calls to tell me it's not good. The cancer's spread (we already knew that but I guess it's spread more than before?) He could have a week. Or he might make it until his birthday (in 2 months).
Okay.
Is it wrong to be proud that I didn't have a negative thought? Based on my last entry I'd say so. I didn't have a positive thought either. It was just blank. I'm welcome to come up and see him (I'll address that in a bit) he's looking forward taking each day as it comes, he's telling me first because I'm his daughter and I should know first. There are people he's not telling and people he will tell. I'm allowed to tell my mum (I'd tell her even if you told me not to because she's my mum) and he wants to "die in this house and not a ****ING hospice" (By this house me means where he lives, not here, just in case you were confused) and that was that. I didn't feel sad. At least I didn't think I felt sad. I'll get to that later too. First let me explain something else.

I've been thinking that I'd rather keep feeling nothing than the anger I felt previously and I've been thinking that can be a good thing. Kind of distancing myself to protect myself from the pain of loss. Thinking about it I haven't lost anyone close to me before. The closest thing to me that died was my cat and I was devastated.

Grandparents? One was dead long before I was born. 2 died when I was little so I can't remember them much and the last one ended up steadily being moved into further and further away hospitals so we didn't see him much in the later years then he died.

Uncle? and more recently his late wife? Moved to the Isle of Wight so we didn't see them anymore but did occasion cards. Saw her for the last time at HIS funeral. Then she moved again to be near her sister and family. Still sent occasion cards. Then she died.

Aunt? She was the one who didn't come to Christmas but came to the Summer family gathering and lived the furthest away anyway.

Aunt's husband (whose funeral I debated going to because it was my last year of Uni and it was on the day of my novel writing class which id why I went to Uni in the first place (what a waste of time and money all that turned out to be. Probably should've gone to the funeral instead) so in the end I didn't go but felt bad about it)? He'd been in a care home for a few years so I didn't see him and then he died.

So yeah.
I've been distanced for one reason or another from all the deaths I'm aware of in my life save for my cat, who I watched die.

So maybe it's a good thing that I've been mad at my dad and distant for so many years and now can't seem to feel much of anything. Maybe this will protect me from heart wrenching pain. I'll break down some time later and cry and feel sad and guilty but it comes in smaller doses over a longer time and not all in one crushing all consuming well of despair. That's how it's happened before at least. For the humans I seem to grieve their losses a bit later. The cat was entirely different and not just because he was a cat.

So yeah.

I've decided to try and do what I did before. Back when he told us he had cancer and I decided to let the negative feelings go/beat them down until after and then seek a therapist to deal with them in a healthy manner.

So now I have to try not to think of unhappy/negative things and just think of the good (because there were good times with my dad) and average things.
Which makes the whole "you're welcome to come and visit" thing a bit tricky.

Do I go and see him before he dies?
I personally was negative last time we met. But he seemed to think it was good and to be honest, even though I was negative, it wasn't a bad experience. There's one big positive to that day. I ate a fried egg end it was alright. (for context I hate egg yolk. So fried eggs are a no for me and yolk that's still runny creeps me out because I wonder if it's fully cooked. I might have eaten fried egg previously but if I did it wasn't worth remembering. But this one was so I'm counting it as my first fried egg). Now it may seem odd to credit an egg as being the highlight of the meeting but I'm looking to celebrate any positive and for me that was a kind of big moment. There are other good things about it too. So yeah.
But just because I'm not feeling anger anymore doesn't meant the meeting will be positive. He'll look worse than he did before. Being face to face means he can see my expressions so he might figure out how I'm actually feeling despite what I may say and even if he doesn't I doubt He'll be alone. SHE will be there. And for now at least i don't want to see HER. To be fair it's not her fault. It's all my dad's fault but I'm trying not to feel negativity regarding him until he dies so all of it has to focus on HER. So I have to not think about HER. Because that 20 year secret that wasn't really a secret he just didn't tell me and I've had only had less than a year to come to terms with THAT and all it entails is still something that irks me. Don't think about it too deeply. because you will get PISSED OFF again.............. So yeah.
And also what does he have to say to me that he hasn't already said? Surely now that the end is in sight he'll be more determined that I should be alright when he's gone by which I mean in a job of some sort and I REALLY don't want him wasting his energy going on about that again.
And just because last time wasn't bade doesn't mean that this time will be good. It could be bad. We could have a fight. It's possible. Why risk it? But. Will I regret not seeing him again before he dies?

He called later to talk to mum and told her more.
Seems he would like to see me. Great. Okay. And some other stuff. And no matter our feelings about HER we need to let them go. She's looked after him and supported him through all this. And that was something that gave me comfort. Back when I thought she was a stranger I'd never met. Sure I have no idea who this woman is and I'll probably meet her for the first time at the funeral and it'll be weird but I can take comfort in the fact that this woman unknown to me took care for my dying father. No matter what hold onto that. And then he casually revealed that she wasn't a stranger to me and was someone I used to know very well and it turns out that them being together is why we drifted apart from them and all my thoughts about her being a good and kind person caring for my dad in his final years went right down the ****ter and i spent some time wondering why my dad cot cancer but HER a chain smoker (when we knew her) didn't get ravaged by lung cancer! ..........not that I would wish that on someone. BECAUSE IT'S WRONG I Was just wondering...............................stop with the bad feelings already..........
So yeah.
Now that's tricky.

Today I had a bit of a breakthrough. I felt sad. So it's not floods of tears and wailing that one picture of mu dad I have. It was just a little feeling of sadness. I remind myself that he was there when I was little. And think about that. And sad. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm actually sad about the thing that's triggered me or if it's just the depression coming out all of a sudden. But no. I think it's sad regarding my dad specifically. So yeah. Now I don't just feel nothing. I feel something but it's not anger. It's the completely natural and appropriate feeling of sad. Sometimes it's hard to see when it's just a small feeling. But maybe the nothing was also sadness but just in a different way. Hey. Now that title will work both ways. i guess I'll use it after all.

Also I finally went and got my booster jab. It was a lot less fuss than the first 2 and my arm's already stopped aching. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15529-Something-is-Better-Than-Nothing https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15527-Maybe-Don-t-Read-if-You-Want-to-Stay-Happy-(Part-2-The-Christmas-Bit) Wed, 05 Jan 2022 17:52:17 GMT .....Because I went over the word count as per usual. We met up before Christmas because he wanted to. We had a meal. Me, my mum, Him and his... .....Because I went over the word count as per usual.

We met up before Christmas because he wanted to. We had a meal. Me, my mum, Him and his brother. I wasn't super comfortable about it what with the pandemic and all and it would be inside a building, an eatery of course. I'd have rather sat outside but all three of them are old and have their own health issues and it was cold so I wasn't going to fight anyone on this.

That's the first time I've seen him since my birthday. The first time since I've finally been told the truth.
At one point he talked openly about THEM.
Shaz's daughter is pregnant. Expecting their third baby.
GOOD FOR HER.
Shaz's sister was misdiagnosed with lung cancer and went through all the treatment so she talks him through things when he needs to.
COOL. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE HAD A SISTER. HOW NICE. (Additionally I' have thought about the irony of it. My dad the non-smoker gets cancer. Shaz the chain smoker surely aught to at least be at risk of lung cancer. Best not to wish cancer on people though. That's dangerous energy to put out there. She MUST have quit smoking. He wouldn't live with a smoker? Would he? He did growing up. He's the only one in his family who didn't smoke and that's only because he didn't like it. I can pad this all out now as I'm no a second entry. Might as well make it worth it)
They haven't seen her for two years because they can't go up to Scotland (what with everything and all)
BOO ****ING HOO. I HAVEN'T SEEN MY FAMILY (the family I actually genuinely care about and always have) FOR TWO YEARS EITHER.
Of course I say nothing. I have nothing to put my feelings into. I should've brought a squeezy toy but I don't want to handle stuff to much what with the pandemic and all. I haven't had my booster yet. (I've had a cold on and off and then there was Christmas/new year and now "female time" and the cold is still on and off but I think I'll get on it once "female time" is done and I'm feeling fresher. Gives me a little more time to exercise my arm muscles. I feel like it's a smart thing to do, to have some good muscle to inject into rather than noodle arms. I wonder if better than no exercise muscle might make things work better or heal quicker or something. And if nothing else it's an excuse/motivation to exercise at least)
So I put my frustrations into tearing up a napkin when he brings them up. Of course he doesn't notice (I think he might be a psychopath. Or maybe he's somewhere near the Spectrum. I think I'm near to it at least and if I am chances are he is to. Either way I think there's something a bit off with both of us) I don't think his brother noticed or if he did not much. He'd probably have thought I was just bored. My mum noticed. Of course she did. I wasn't hiding it.

He called on Christmas Eve to say hi. No idea why since he insisted I call him Christmas Day (because he couldn't be here this year but wants some semblance of normality. Things will never be normal again old man).
It was a BIG mistake. Why. Why the hell did he do it?
He called to chat a bit, despite the fact that I'd be calling tomorrow as instructed, but he was distracted. Because Shaz's grandkids are there. A boy and a girl. The girl is 4. The boy is younger I think. They've been climbing over the sofa and drawing and stuff. Their mum is in hospital because she's had the baby. Isn't that just great.
Some chit chat. You know she's the same age as you and she's had 3 kids? Yes old man. I DID KNOW THAT. WE GREW UP TOGETHER. II KNOW SHE'S THE SAME ****ING AGE AS ME. GOOD FOR HER THAT SHE'S MARRIED AND HAS 3 KIDS. I REALLY DO HOPE THAT IT DOESN'T ALL END IN DIVORCE/SEPERATION LIKE IT DID FOR OUR PARENTS. WOULDN'T THAT BE A SHAME.
It's worth noting that quite often when we've spoken lately I've been bleeding and when he's asked how I am/need me to pay attention I've mentioned that it's "female time" so I'm not super great at the moment. He seems to have taken this to mean that there's something wrong with me. Add that to the fact that I've stated that he's not getting grandkids/I'm not having children this seems to have firmed things up in his mind that there's something wrong with me. There isn't as far as I know except that I'm aging. There are a few reasons you're not getting grandkids. 1 I don't socialize with ANYONE unrelated to me so it kind of makes any kind of baby making relationship (even a casual one) nonexistent right now. 2 It takes me a long time to trust someone enough to hug. I don't kiss. So how long do you thing I have to get to know someone to engage in any kind of baby making? 3 I have little to no trust in people and, especially now, little to no trust in men and I'm not about to raise a baby alone dear god I'm still basically a giant child myself. 4 Even if my some miracle I overcame these obstacles and did conceive you have a very limited lifespan you'd be lucky to see the offspring before you die. And I'm getting older which steadily reduces fertility and chances of a healthy pregnancy/childbirth. Sure I'm only 33 now but given what I've already listed it'll take time to overcome all that.
But all that's not really good dinner conversation and it gets into subjects I'd rather avoid because I don't want to bring him down in his dying years.
But. Given that he's got it into his head that there's something wrong with my ability to have/make children WHY THE **** WOULD YOU COMPARE MY CHILDLESS EXISTENCE TO SOMEONE WHO IT CLEARLY INCREDIBLY FERTILE AS A ****ING RABBIT? (Things like this is why I think he's a psychopath or at least has trouble understanding social conventions. Knowing what you THINK you know about me why would you parade the fact that someone I used to know who is my age has 3 kids, as if to say look at that, that could/should be you. He's at least given the impression that he's okay with my choices providing I get a job at least. Maybe the meds are messing with his brain. But he was always clueless, about my feelings at least)

And then. To add final insult to injury. On CHRISTMAS EVE when Christmas is a time for children and I miss my childhood and don't have my own children to enjoy this time with and my family is slowly dwindling and I miss them and I'm missing seeing their kids growing up.
He calls the girl over. He tells her he's on the phone with his daughter (who she has never met and has probably never heard of and even if she has she's forgotten because I remember having the brain of a sieve when I was that age).
He tells her to say hello to me. AND SHE DOES. In that way a child does when they have no idea what's going on but the grown up they trust tells them to.
THE BASTARD DID THIS WITH ME TOO. HE HAD ME RECITE A WHOLE BEST MAN SPEECH WHISPERING IN MY EAR. Aawww isn't it cute the sweet little girl is doing a speech and has no idea what's going on. Sweet.
So she says hello.
I have never hated a child more in my life. YOU CAN'T WISH HARM ON A CHILD.
All I can do is say hello back and pray that this will be over because I'm going to cry.
He says she can't hear me. I guess it's because she doesn't actually have the phone and it ends. He chats a bit more.
Oh. By the way. This is a cute and fun thing I DEFINATELY want to hear. The kids call him Granddad Napoleon (subbed for his actual name here) but he tells them he's not Granddad, he's Napoleon. But they insist on calling him Granddad Napoleon because they're only little and don't know any better. Hahahahahahaha. Wow. I really REALLY wanted and needed to know that. I'M SO HAPPY TO KNOW THAT.
Okay bye. Okay bye. Bye then. You can't be too eager to hang up or he'll think something's wrong.
Yeah sure we love you bye.
Love you has never been so forced,
WHAT THE EVERLOVING **** WAS THAT.
Well there goes decorating the tree. I need to calm down. (he'd called half way through tree decorating)
I have NEVER wished harm on a child.
I have never felt such HATRED towards a child.
And it's not her fault but she can **** off to Hell with the rest of them.
They're dead to me. Not my dad. He has to stay because he's my dad but he's hanging on by a thread. The rest of them can go to hell. They're dead to me. They're all dead to me. I care nothing for them. I care nothing for their kids. I want NOTHING to do with any of them EVER!!!
Then I called him on Christmas day as ordered. I kind of hoped to call during dinner and ruin it but you need to be careful with things like that. He might get everyone to say hello like it's all good and we're all friends and everything's alright. No. Better to get it out of the way now. They're still unwrapping presents. How nice. Okay Merry Christmas bye then.

However. After all that. Christmas was kind of nice and I didn't have to contact him again until new year. I used the time to watch films I haven't seen before. Mostly happy stupid family films like Frozen and Pirates! In an Adventure With Scientists. Because I always get sad at Christmas. Maybe it's just winter. Maybe it's longing for Christmases past or the amount of happy families on tv be it shows, films and/or ads that makes you think about how sad and pathetic your existence is.
We didn't have to rush around trying to get things done before he arrived. I'd planned to go out for a little walk on my own to sort of replicate when I'd go out in the day with my dad to see my uncle but it was raining and I really REALLY needed/wanted to wash my hair and because I had the time I did. So yeah. I washed my hair on Christmas day. We had dinner a little later than usual. By the time I started eating it was a little cool in some places but it was still nice. We took dinner at our own pace. We didn't do out little morning presents thing because I did my hair then we had to do dinner so all presents were rolled into an after dinner session. It was really nice. We also got to let dinner settle as much as we wanted before pudding. We didn't have to work to anyone else's time. I harvested all of my carrots for dinner. They're a short variety for shallow soil like window boxes. I was kind of saving them for Christmas so it was nice to have them. They tasted good. Like carrot but somehow a bit stronger than store bought carrots I guess. I was very proud. Some of them had gotten quite big.
I didn't get sad this year though. Not over Christmas at least. Hopefully next year I can see my family. The kids are growing and we're missing it. I still have presents for them from 3 years ago. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15527-Maybe-Don-t-Read-if-You-Want-to-Stay-Happy-(Part-2-The-Christmas-Bit) https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15526-Maybe-Don-t-Read-if-You-Want-to-Stay-Happy-(Part-1-to-Catch-You-Up) Wed, 05 Jan 2022 17:40:17 GMT So how was your new year? I hope it was good. I had a nice new year and a surprisingly good Christmas despite everything. This was my first... So how was your new year?
I hope it was good.
I had a nice new year and a surprisingly good Christmas despite everything.
This was my first Christmas without my dad (don't worry he's not dead yet, he just can't travel far) but that was for the best given that this is also the first Christmas that I'm finally in on "the big secret" that's been kept from me for maybe the last 15-20 years.
Now. It's been a while since you last saw me. I've wanted to write this up and get all my feelings out there and all but I just couldn't be bothered/didn't want to. Then I was very busy in the run up to Christmas and then I didn't want to crap over everyone else's Christmas/New Year/holiday time. But it's daylight. I've been thinking about it and I might as well put it out there. It'll be a bit more sparse and chaotic because this is months and months of stuff and stuff.
So. I believe that when last we spoke I'd just been informed of his "big secret" and was feeling betrayed by everyone really.

He's been with another woman for a long time and my parent's separation was even further back than that and amicable. I've never much cared to know but I've also been quietly curious but you decide it's one of those you're better of not knowing situations even though nothing can be worse than the crazy stuff you imagine.
He's been accidentally calling me "Suzie" since at least my 20's so I've known that there's a person with that name somewhere.
Then some time last year he went into hospital (first time in his life it seems) and it clearly shook him up. You may need to be reminded that he has incurable prostate cancer and has steadily been going through the treatment of that and all it entails. Then, after I start asking the questions that I think I'm supposed to ask since we're his family so we need to be informed, he finally told me himself that there is a woman. He tells me her name is "Sharon" yes let's just stick with Sharon shall we and that he made her his next of kin years ago when I was at Uni so I wouldn't have to worry/be bothered if anything happened to him. Funnily enough that's actually the time that I started considering that something could happen to him and I'm an adult now so I should prepare myself to have to deal with that sort of thing. Nope. Turns out the thoughts never needed to cross my mind at all. And when he got the cancer the ideas needed refining. We'll have to do a funeral and paperwork. I don't know what but there'll be a lot of it. Mentally prepare yourself. Nope. Didn't need to worry about it at all. But that's fine. "Sharon" will probably be planning his funeral too. To be honest that's a relief really. Of people he knows who aren't us I only know his brother and two friends and I only have one of their numbers so yeah. "Sharon" probably knows more of what he'd want and who to invite.

Then later on he reveals to me in a roundabout way that "Sharon" is our old family friend "Shaz" who we lost touch with maybe 15-20 years ago. But he doesn't man up and tell me directly. No. He cowardly name drops her two children while casually going on about Christmas. About how he comes to us and she goes to her kids. And then carries on talking about Christmas while I'm going through an existential crisis that mu mum is witnessing but can't help with and then my world shatters further realizing that she knew too and that I've been kept completely in the dark until the age of 33 and that I wouldn't even have been told about it if my dad hadn't had the sudden and horrific shock that he really is going to die and it could happen sooner than he thinks because he accidentally dehydrated himself because he mixed up the doctor's instructions. He's been varying levels of not as good as before ever since due to one thing and another.

So. That's where I left you.

Well some time after. I forget when and I'm not going to look it up now. When was Bake Off on? it was the 2nd-3rd episode of that. Or The Goes Wrong Show. The first one of the year. So when ever that was.

I was going trough lets call it "female time" and I figured hey now's as good a time as any to have this out because I don't have the energy nor desire to piss about.
Mum. Did you know?
Yes and no. It was never directly questioned/answered nor confirmed but it's one of those things you just know. He didn't have many friends so it wasn't a great leap of logic to figure he'd go to her at some point.
There are various other things spotted around.
Does he have any other kids? (She knows I've wondered this before I knew and reassured me then but it's definitively and always has been no)
She didn't tell me because it was his business to tell me. He never did.
So what was with that whole "her name's "Sharon" bull****?" No idea. He's an idiot. Same goes for how he told me who "Sharon" is because i didn't fully explain it to her then.
Is this why we lost touch?
Basically yes. Last time we went to see them ("Shaz" and kids (my best friends)) the kids were out and the grown ups were talking without me and mum got the impression that "Shaz" was uncomfortable with us being there. We were dropping off Christmas presents for her and the kids (as you do for friends) and she gave us presents and then we parted never to meet again. Well I tell a lie. Later on she turned up with another present randomly. I don't remember much of any of this so I'm relying on my mum's recollection. She thinks Shaz felt guilty and after that decided to cut ties with her. Which brought about a new set of problems. Me.
She tells me that she didn't really feel anything about the idea of them together but she did feel angry for me. Breaking ties with Shaz meant breaking ties with her two kids who had been my friends forever. Because that's how it it when You hand your friends have kids, their kids become friends with your kids and as far as the kids are concerned this has always been the way.
So yeah. I lost two friends. I can't say we'd have stayed friends without all that. We were growing up and would've gone our separate ways. Or at least I would. I was resistant to growing up and giving a **** about the world of boys and makeup like most girls my age so odds are we would've drifted.
But that time was a very important time for me because that is when I started to pull away from what remaining friends I had. Then go into "big school" and fail to make new friends because I was abnormal to become a 33 year old who has no friends, barely any family and lives at home doing nothing all day.
I'm not saying that it would have been the same if I'd been able to keep those two friends. Just that if we'd known how I'd turn out back then we'd have tried harder to stop it and maybe things would've been better but they could have been equally worse. You never know.
I digressed a bit.
The other thing regarding me is that I kept asking why we didn't see Shaz and her kids anymore. I can't remember specifics but I do remember asking more than once. Eventually I stopped asking. Thinking about that now breaks my heart because at the time mu mum's heart must have been breaking and I feel so bad but I shouldn't because how was I to know but I still feel bad.
I can't hate my mum for keeping secrets from me. She's a saint for putting up with me. She doesn't think it a hardship because I'm her baby and she loves me but I hate my existence with a deeper and deeper....hatred? I guess. That sentence got away from me there.

But there's one person I hate more than any other.
My dad.
I went through this resentment of him for not being around and being a crap dad and that carried into my 20's and it's only in my late 20's/early 30's that I've thought get over it already. You're not 16 anymore.
And especially since the cancer. Just let ALL of that go. Enjoy the time you do have with your dad.
And then THIS.
This revelation has done something. I'm not completely sure what.
Is it too strong to say it's killed any love I had for my dad? I'm not sure. I don't really know how I felt. Did I love my dad? I love my dog. I know that for a fact. I just do. I love my mum. No doubt about that. I HAVE to love her because she's my mum and I also love her BECAUSE she's my mum. But my dad. I HAVE to love him because he's my dad. But he barely exists in my life so I don't really see him as a dad. Well as a proper one. Does that make sense? He exists. And there are a lot of people in the world who don't even have a dad. Or they have dads that are REALLY bad, like abusive bad. But does just existing as an entity and NOT being notable abusive make you a dad? Does it make you someone I choose to love and not just have to?
Since the cancer I've said I/we love you when we hang up because I didn't want to regret not saying it when he died. And I say it to my mum regularly. And I did feel concerned for his wellbeing and I've even started seeing his point of view. Some times I'd look around and think to myself "no wonder he left us".
But now I've been told this secret that wasn't really a secret it's just something that everyone knew except for me I feel so ****ing stupid.
Now I know the thing that I just wasn't told for however long it was.
I can't feel anything towards my dad. Only resentment.
All those old feelings are back but stronger. It's like years of resentment compressed into a tight, heavy spiky ball.
I didn't want to speak to him. I certainly didn't want to see him and to make matters worse he never noticed but I don't want him to notice becasue clearly I don't completely not care. He's stated that he was a good. Dad. I had to fight so hard not to laugh down the phone.
Don't let him know how you really feel. NEVER let him know. He's only got a few years at best. Let him be happy. DON'T SAY IT/ DON'T SAY ANYTHING. HOLD. IT. IN. Until he dies. Then you'll need a therapist.

So clearly I still care. But that's all the care I can muster for a dying man. Don't tell him he was a **** father. Don't tell him that you feel nothing towards him but hatred. Don't let him see that every time he brings up Shaz and her family (because now I know he'll talk about them openly, more on that to come) it hurts you. It cuts you deeper than you ever thought possible. DON'T LET HIM KNOW. Just let him die happily. Just not too happily.
I guess that's the other reason I haven't written this before. What if he somehow found it. I doubt he would. But what if he's smarter than I give him credit for? I doubt it tough. The man doesn't even research his own condition and then thinks I'm a genius for knowing medical words and that I could have been a doctor just for Googling a word.

Since I started feeling this way I've been hoping it will settle down. Just work through my issues but please let it go away before he dies. I don't want to feel nothing at my father's death. Can we not just go back to how it was before I knew, when I actually cared how he felt and didn't feel a hideously sadistic pleasure or just nothing at all when he tells me how bad he's feeling.
He's on chemo now by the way. And the cancer's spread to his liver and lungs. My first split second thought was good. Followed by revulsion and condemnation but without a reversal. It's either good or nothing. It should be bad. It should be.

Of course because he doesn't know he ends up making it harder and harder to give a flying **** about him.

One point he ended up mentioning kids then hastily reassuring me that it's Shaz's grandkids and that he doesn't have any others lying around. Hearing him say it reassured me less. Besides my mum got there first. Because she actually KNOWS me. And spends time with me. And I, occasionally, TALK to her about what BOTHERS me because I love and TRUST her. I didn't much trust my dad before. But now I don't trust him at all. Any time he tells me something truthfully I cant help thinking is that REALLY the case?
I had no response. So I just flatly admitted that I had previously wondered about that. Key word being PREVIOUSLY. And he went straight into how he's never lie to me about something like that. I', his child and ONLY child and he's never lied to me.
I had to hold in a laugh.
He'd NEVER LIE to ME.
You ****ing LIAR!!!!
Clearly you don't know what a lie of omission is. I had to look it up to be sure.

Sure. You'd never lie to my face. You'd never lie DIRECTLY. But you wouldn't tell me the whole truth. It it lying if you just don't say something? Well technically no. But if that not saying something allows/causes the person to think that something different is going on then I'd say that's a lie.
You'd never lie to me you say.
Then what the **** was that "her name is Sharon" bull****? I did think it was an odd coincidence. In fact wouldn't it be weird if it was Shaz? but to be fair there are many MANY women in the world called Sharon so it would be pretty arrogant to assume that the only Sharon in existence is the Shaz you used to know. in fact it can't be her because if it was he wouldn't have said Sharon would he? He'd have said it's Shaz. You remember Shaz? Now that's telling the ****ing truth.

So yeah. There was that. ]]> Bluebiird https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?15526-Maybe-Don-t-Read-if-You-Want-to-Stay-Happy-(Part-1-to-Catch-You-Up)