Literature Network Forums - Blogs - Living Breathing Contradiction... by stephofthenight

Sometimes

stephofthenight — Sun, 06 Aug 2017 05:15:57 GMT

Sometimes frustration and fear
Fall from my eyes
Sometimes my head is screaming warning
But my heart whispers that it lies
Sometimes the pain stays
Long after the dream is gone
Sometimes I start to forget
Believing I belong
Sometimes I feel abandoned
For the walls are closing in
Sometimes I desperately need you
Knowing you'll make it all okay
Sometimes I can't help but break
As I watch you drive away

My Shadow

stephofthenight — Mon, 15 May 2017 05:36:04 GMT

Subject poetry contest

Her shadow haunts her waking dreams
Broken fragments of her soul scream

Illuminated darkness hides the past
From choices of a lot she didn�t cast

Bitter and broken, consistently abandoned
Lost, to be found and again left stranded

Walking a road of self-destruction
Building walls for her own protection

The fear of herself has only grown
For she cannot escape, the shadow is her own

Silence

stephofthenight — Sun, 23 Apr 2017 03:18:56 GMT

(Subject Poetry Competition)

...Silence...

With every word left unspoken
They built a house of destruction
Screaming in silence
As they fulfill their penance

Yet remorse resounds hollow
From promises they just couldn't follow
Silence piercing their souls
From secrets left untold.

Unanswered

stephofthenight — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 04:38:31 GMT

The haunting evaluation
of each negligible detail
forges gut wrenching anxiety
echoing her every pending word
The silence is deafening
revealing phobias untold
moments pass languidly
causing her every insecurity to show.

sue�o

stephofthenight — Fri, 07 Apr 2017 01:44:11 GMT

It has been four years since I have sat down with pen and paper in an attempt to convey my emotions and repair my fractured soul. I no longer find myself broken, no longer in need of repair, Its only fitting that I should share my new found inspiration.

He came into her life
Like a fractured grain of sand
He made her question things
She believed to already understand
He broke into her walls
Like she handed him the key
He showed her how to fall
She followed him with ease
He whispered to her heart
Calming her every fear
His words laced with need
Rather than what she wanted to hear
He looked upon her soul
Like looking in a mirror
He let her pull away
Yet she always found herself nearer
He showed her the beauty
No one else had ever seen
It was in that very moment
He became the keeper of her dreams

Sigh Where does the time go?

stephofthenight — Mon, 31 Aug 2015 06:15:51 GMT

I came back and updated last May...with the promise to be around more...yet more then a year has passed and I'm just now coming back. So some updates and another promise, hopefully I will keep this time, to be around more.

I have been washing the same load of clothes for at least a week...
There is a sippy cup somewhere in my car...
My car looks like toys r us vomited in it...
I upset the toddler so he peed in my shoe...
And I've been reading the same page of my book for 3 days...

And thus I have come to understand parenthood, at least for today, tomorrow is a whole new journey. But aren't children wonderful? For every late night and crazy early morning, every time I've been puked on, peed on and drooled on...there is an equally heart melting moment when he looks up at me and says he loves me <3

Samuel is now 2 years old, where did the time go? When did I become 23? Was it not just 2007 and I was joining this page spending all my free time here? Its crazy. Sam is doing much better medically and is a brilliant little boy. He knows all of his colors, his letters, Can count to 15 and spell his name. HE is not potty trained and may never be. We decided to use the 3 day method, you know kid runs around naked, sits on the potty every 15 minutes and Monday morning you are done? IT does NOT work that way...Place fruit loops in toilet, ask child to sink them, child gets head stuck in toilet trying to eat them...Buy new potty that they stand and shoot and it spins the toy wheel, child poops on floor while shooting the spinny thing, Buy $40 mickey mouse potty...child pees on the floor while trying to wear said potty as a hat, Mom gives up on potty training and recovers with a glass of wine.

Interrupt blogging because toddler kicked off his blanket...again...and is now cold. So I must recover him knowing he will kick it off in 5 minutes and we will repeat this cycle throughout the night.

Potty training was a giant fail, cleaning diapers is way less time consuming then cleaning your carpets. I have come to the conclusion having a toddler is a lot like a puppy. I spend my day chasing him around, telling him to get things out of his mouth, not to lick that, to stop barking (thanks paw patrol) and that we are not going outside! When that debate is over we watch Mickey Mouse, Paw Patrol, or people open Kinder Eggs on Youtube? I do not understand his fascination by this but it makes me truly wish they were not illegal here in the US.

This year we made it to the Grand Canyon, which included a 2 hour flight. I now really understand why they serve alcohol on a plane, so do the poor souls trapped around us for that flight. When we landed everyone was too happy to help me with my stuff and to get the little devil..I mean angel off the airplane. The ride back was much better as we were by a kindergarten teacher who entertained him tremendously, that lady was an Angel. The Grand Canyon was beautiful, We are planning our next natural wonder vacation for this coming March and unsure where I wish to take him.

*Cover toddler up again*

In the last year I have taken up calligraphy, and by taken up I mean buy a kit online and put it on a high shelf to avoild little hands, and forgot about it. Then there was metal stamping, and leather tanning, a short stint at bow making and after hot gluing the ribbon to my finger I decided that none of these things are for me. I will stick to the paper cuts and ink smears of writing.

That is all for now
Steph

Don't Blink

stephofthenight — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 14:58:01 GMT

was it not just yesterday I a 14 year old little girl joined this page desperate to find some commodore with someone, anyone who could even kind of understand me... So how is it that I log back on today 20 years old, a newly wed, expecting a little bundle in August...Where has the time gone? The changes of time are evident on litnet, and over time we have lost some of our members but have also gained so many. I use to sneak to the library at lunch time to check on how things where going on here- now I can't seem to find the time despite the ultimate connivance of a laptop less than a foot from my bed...*Sigh* Although I'm so much happier with my life and where it is right now than when I first came I ultimately miss those days- Don't Blink ladies and gentleman, the world is spinning too fast and its so easy to get caught up in it.... That is all for now, simply do not blink, do not let time slip through your fingers. Instead enjoy every moment and preserve it forever as memories. -Stephanie-

update

stephofthenight — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 08:21:43 GMT

hmm. seems forever since I have blogged so here goes nothing-

I'm sorry to the many people who feel neglected or that I no longer care about you. This is not the case. The truth is I feel like I've Jumped into an undercurent with life vest for everyone but me- and I can't swim... Everything that can go wrong, has and than some.

The house was broken into-The Landlord is at a record high duche bag level and my finances are in ruins at no ones fault but my own, I am way to trusting and becuase of that got royaly F'd over by a so called "friend".

The snakes and the bunny all have to find new homes which is stressing in general not to mention the emotional toll of having to give up something you have raised and come to love.

I don't think Alladian will be too bad, I only got him to rescue him. But aries and alice are going to kill me those are my kids- My room is a maze of aquariums that I have to do something with, I have sank so much money into that crap its not even funny and have no hope of recovering any of it. But at the same time I'm a sappy chick who thinks about the animals first and the fact that I cant afford to really take care of them. so I'm too poor to keep them and to poor to sell them. Up a creek without a paddle I do say.

Its 3:09 and I cant sleep- Had a strange dream last night, was the first really bad one in a while. I have court at 10 in the morning for a speeding ticket. got two of those this month didnt deserve either of them- same cop. I'm not really sure why im ranting on my blog, its a habit I try to avoid but I guess its the one place I can really let it all out at.

I just realized Ive been here for 4 years. wow how time flies... I like to go back and read old blogs and post of mine, its kind of a neat way to see how I have progressed in general, and in my writing which I dont seem to have time for anymore. Cant remember the last time I just sat down with pen and paper and let myself flow. Wow I miss the release of it, its better than sex. Hm I wonder if I can say that here? I often Question myself on the things I say, But than again I Question why I am Questioning.

i'm on bed rest again, and listening about as well as I did the last time. I just get bored! and I no longer have internet at home, so unless I go stay with mum like tonight (court is in her town not mine closer) than I have NOTHING to cure my boredom so I get out of bed which leads to me getting in trouble. What a terrible cycle.

Sometimes life seems really pointless. Sometimes I see really pointless. I wonder If I could be God's one mistake? Sometimes I think I'm the Devils Daughter, and that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to have a relationship with God, like its just not in my cards. The Bible says "many will seek but few will be chosen" I don't think I'm one of the chosen ones at all. But I still have the insane desire to help those who where chosen find God, I really am an odd ball.

I have given thought to pursuing my modeling ambitions- the only problem with that is there are only 2 companys I would want to model for, one I am entirely to short to even be considered for and the other would ruin everything I have worked so hard to establish even if it would be amazingly fun. I am starting to notice many patterns in my life, Like the pattern of who I tend to date, and how it tends to end. I really am the worlds worst Girlfriend, its kinda funny if you think about it. when all you want is a family but are terrified of commitment so you run and ruin every chance of building a family you have. hmm guess I never really gave that much thought. I always thought turning 19 would be great, than again I thought that about 16,17 and 18 and none have been so far. I guess I have myself to blame, I burry myself in school and work partialy out of neccesity and partialy so I dont get close to anyone and have to watch them leave... Is that selfish of me?

My niece is three now... I remember the day she got here and I couldnt wait to blog about it, well now July 24th she will be getting a little brother. She makes me realize how old I am getting and how little I have acomplished. Ugh.
Well my computer is about to die so end rant here.

Shadow Man

stephofthenight — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 04:20:54 GMT

So I have been bothered by this reacurring dream of a little girl maybe nine, she has pale skin and long black hair and she chants -dont go to sleep, dont go to sleep, he will surely get you and the whole world will weep- I have no clue where that comes from? Have googled it to no results. I generaly jerk awake choking like something is strangling me, to this thing over me, he is always surrounded by a red tint- And I suddenly catch my breath and he is gone, But I always hear that phrase as I regain controll of my body. Like its a mix between sleep terrors and sleep paralysis. I have woken up to everything being out of my room-Things being upside down, or backwards. And I'm OCD so I know its not an accident! So I put a lock on my door thinking roomates where ****ing with me... I woke up to every picture in my room upside down, and two of the three crosses off the wall. All the bedding was on the other side of the room, on the occasion I had a dream that the shadow guy was cutting me but I woke up with deep scratches down my sides. three down each side, in places I cant reach...

Anyone else had experiences like this? Or know anything about this hooded shadow guy? He likes to hang on my door-weird I know, but its totaly dark and I'll just see it against the door and I pass out.

I almost always can taste blood after/during these incidents and I smell what seems to be natural gas, and feel fire.

Testimony Help.

stephofthenight — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 09:28:37 GMT

so I was asked to share my testimony at a bible study group I attend. But the problem is I dont feel the trust or bond that has to be there in order for me to allow someone the intmate details of my nightmares. Becase to put that out there is to hand someone a knife, turn around and just beg to be stabbed with it. So I wrote one out without much detail, just a brief general assesment of some lessons I learned that most people in the group could use, Now I just need the opinion of is it too dispersonalized? did I seperate too much from it? What would you elaborate on, or change, how do you know what to leave and what to leave out. Thanks guys.
______________________________________
God is like a black light. I'm smiling, is it fake, or is it real? What am I thinking, what am I feeling? when I smile most people can't those things, but God always knows. In fact he knows before I smile how I feel, or if I'm putting on a front. I have a lot of scars that I forget the lesson I learned, because I can no longer see them on a daily bases. If I get under a black light, or tanning bed they stand out like fresh scars... God has a way of reminding us of who we are, and where we came from even when we don't want to remember. He holds up a mirror when we refuse to look for ourselves.
God is not a man. That statement seems really broad but if you think about it, most questions can be answered by those five words. God is not man, God is not human. God does not lust after sin the way we do, he does not crave earthly things the way we do . In understanding that God is not a man, you start to grasp that we cannot hold God to the standards, or expectations we have for men. All the reasons I had to absolutely despise God, were simply foolish attempts to compare GOD to men. By using my experiences with men, I hid behind that mistrust and anger, I attempted to protect myself by pushing him away. Naive to the fact that the further I pushed God away, the closer I drew Satan in to me, allowing him to cause the misery that I turned around and cursed God for. Most of what I hated God for was self inflicted. Had I simply followed his direction, I could have saved myself vast amounts of pain.
How can God allow this to happen? Why did God let that happen to me? Two of my biggest questions, that no one ever gave me a satisfying answer, until God granted me the understanding to see that If I would have had the perfect home and childhood I would not have the passion for abused children that I do. Well why did God take Julliard away? That was my dream, If he knows what will happen before it does, why did he let me live my life for dance and that school just to rip it away? Because it wasn't about me, God does not give us talent to glorify ourselves, we are suppose to use that talent to glorify him. He gave me the talent to dance, He took Julliard away so that my humble background would push me towards a dance ministry. The abuse in my past, and my childhood makes me understanding of the pain of a child. When they feel no one understands, I can honestly say, Yeah I get it, I was there once too. Everything I wanted to hear, God gives me the chance to say now. In order to relate to people in need of God, you have to have experienced bad times, he gave me the bad so I can help bring those who are lost and hurting to him.
Dad, When you think of your dad, most of you probably think back to fishing, little league and the you can be anything speech. Some of the girls here can probably share a laugh remembering the first boy they brought home, and their dad breaking out the guns. But unfortunately there are some here who share some of the memories I have, Screaming, Cussing, Hitting and fear. I have found I can no longer hate my father because I'm finally understanding that God wasn't punishing me with my childhood. God was using me. He saved a lost man, with a simple child and forgiveness. In learning to forgive my father, he learned how to let go of his past, and forgive himself, he found God again. I finally forgave myself, and my past, I finally understand it. I will never have all the answers I crave, because if I did I would stop searching.
In the end, things will be as God wills it. You can make things worse on yourself by pushing him away, and trying to do it your way, but eventually he will win. Everything we have, get, and loose changes and impacts us. Losing Julliard was a lesson in humility, had I been able to follow through with that I would have gained an arrogance. Knowing that you where in the top 5 percent does that. Now I see that God intended me to be good enough for that, but use my talents to help save children. The Air Force would have become a lifelong dedication and career leaving no time for dance. All the failed relationships, from brief flings to being left at the altar in a dress with an unfaithful groom. They all lead to one point, I was trying to fill the void that was left by my father. It finally sank in that it was GOD the FATHER that I needed, and that the drinking and drugs would never dumb or silence the nagging feelings of emptiness. I would always search until I stopped turning away and lived his way. I knew where he wanted me to end up, I just wanted to take the shortcut and live my way. I ended up getting hopelessly lost.

happy

stephofthenight — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 01:35:18 GMT

What is happy? And why am I damned to go without the understanding of such a commonly used word? To be one so, literate. That reads SO often, and writes; why does the meaning of this one simple word evade me? Why can I not understand Happy?

Could I>

stephofthenight — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 07:40:08 GMT

Could I be the one for you
Could I be your girl,
Could it really be,
Fate is giving me my world?

Could I be the one for you
The one to help you forget
The girl that broke your heart and soul
The girl that haunts you yet?

Could I be the one for you
the one that tells you your incredible
Something you say you've heard
She still lives there, in your heart

I know it's hard to forget
and pick up the pieces she left
But could I be the one
To teach you how to love again?

Could I be the one to come
and mend your broken heart
are you willing to let me piece together
What another broke apart?

I know it won't be easy, and yes I can see
Your road has been long and rough
and your heart that was once soft
is now shut, locked behind walls you had to be tough

But maybe I can open your heart again
As mine opened for you
Just let me in, and love me back
That's all you have to do

I know I ask too much of you
But before we kiss and part
I promise to be nice and kind
If you let me in your heart.

wrote for a very good friend of mine.

ahhhh

stephofthenight — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 22:03:45 GMT

computer crashed again, so will have to use library. might be a while before im back.
steph

Innocence

stephofthenight — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 15:29:57 GMT

...Heart of stone...
...stone cold eyes...
...eyes with intent...
...intent to destroy...
...destroy the dreams...
...dreams of a child...
...child who lost...
...lost her innocence...
...innocence gone forever...
...forever baring scars...
...scars that still remind...
...remind her of that night...
...night that haunts...
...hanuts her dreams...
...dreams filled with screaming...
...screaming that was never heard...
...heard but they didn't care...
...care enough to stop...
...stop killing the child inside...
...inside her he cuts...
...cuts away her hopes...
...hopes for a better tommmorow...
...tommorow they will find...
...find the innocent child dead...

random ramblings

stephofthenight — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 07:07:30 GMT

broken...
shattered...
teeth...
...chatter...

rain...
shelter...
run...
...her...

dizzy...
spinning...
falling...
...prey...

pain...
bite...
victim...
...fight...