Literature Network Forums - Blogs - title by crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/blog.php?15375-title The largest classic literature discussion forum on the Internet. Read Write Teach Share. en Sat, 06 Jun 2026 06:08:13 GMT vBulletin 10 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg Literature Network Forums - Blogs - title by crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/blog.php?15375-title My Portrait Has Been Banned! https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4308-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! Wed, 23 Jan 2008 04:59:34 GMT I love you. I haven't learned to love you-- the opportunity to understand and discuss topics ranging from the self to penguins in one's head have really expanded my mind.
This love, was too great, because, my mind went bonkers. I'm not ready yet, and I don't have the utmost inner strength and experience to survive in these forums, without becoming so confused that it becomes self-destructive. You're wonderful, but I am not ready yet. Some can live with this sort of stuff, but I've begun to think beyond of what should really matter...I mean, that I always evaluate every step of mine so thoroughly that I become anchored down and not progress. As the beginning of my spiritual pursuit, I must look within my self before looking critically at others. So, I'm leaving. I don't know when I'll come back, but you know you'll still be the greatest experience I ever had. But, lit-net, I need to go out in the world. I need to find and learn and become the tangible things to understand abstract thought.
I apologize that this is a very punctuated, and abrupt decision, but I tell you, next time I'm here, you'll get what I owe you...which is a lot.
You have no idea how hard this is for me, I mean, I made such AWESOME friends, it really kills me. But I need that self-discipline to get on with progress. I feel like sometimes, I'm a hermit that needs to move on, and change surroundings to learn about the truth of life. My material soul has been whispering thoughts that hold me back to go anywhere in life, and until I master to control that, I shall be gone for a long while. I hope this site lives on...I really would like to return back to it, when I feel that I can.
I'm really gonna miss soooo many people here, I feel so overwhelmed.
I love you all. I really do. I took this forum in like it was my second life. And I'll still feel that connection with the ones I had a bond with even after I sign off for a long time. Though I wouldn't talk to you guys everyday, I'll feel that love.
If I miss some people, it's purely because I'm dumb, and I have an AP Physics final tomorrow...I apologize before hand:
B-Mental: God! I don't know where to start with you! You've taught me this refreshing perspective in life, that I could never ever ever get through anyone else, I know that for sure! I've had such a magical time whenever we'd talk and the things you say are so profound. You should be so proud of yourself that you affected one itty bitty girl's thought-proccess and emotions...This is the highest form of honor one can ever ever recieve. You've changed me totally..and I feel that aura now. I do see that cat, where ever she is...and I see the deer, and the elk, and the bear...And your wonderful sci fi novel. That's the most peaceful writing I've ever ever read. Everytime I read something of yours, I'd either tear up or become so calm. That bear is you my friend. I hope to reach that level of sincerity and just cool-ness. I do apologize that I misunderstand approximately every poem you write...But I love the meaning I hear from you. Everything just sooo coool.
Kiz_Paws: Okay, one thing I do know, that every Canadian I met in my 17 short years, he/she was very cool and totally different from each other. But you transcend that, you have such a wonderful way of saying things that I could say rashly. And you're sooooo optimistic, and sensible at the same time. And that inner-child, I hope, never fade away, because it lights me up whenever you have that fun attitude (which is all the time). I can't imagine how lucky your husband (and peppa) are...You have the best attitude that alot of people lose because of these dark and ever changing times. I love you kiz. I do.
I started making paper dolls, but I only did yours. SO here:

NikolaiI: I'm seriously humbled whenever I see your posts, no matter if they're on the game threads or the philosophy/religious threads...I really look up to you as this ever-progressing person. I swear that you're a monk in disguise. Your path to enlightenment has done wonders to you, and I marvel at that. I've seen so much passion and hurt, and devotion in your blog...I do pray that you go on, and stay happy, and have peace in your heart. I would like to continue talking about stuff after I come back. But during this time, I'll read Karl Jaspers, and some Watts (if I find articles by him ;) ) And I'll definitely read the Gita.I'm very glad I met you.
Lady Wentworth, Shalot, Papayahed, You guys are way cool. Your interests and your totally unique personality used to make me look forward to coming back home and checking what's up on lit-net land. Shalot, I love your name, don't change it-- especially your crazy monkey avvie :D
Pendragon, Mtpspur, Virgil, PrinceMyshkin, Jon1jt: pen, Jon, and prince...your poems are awesome. YOu guys are pros at every feeling you wanna convey, and you do it so effortlessly! I love that! And Mtp, I have only known you for only a short amount of time, but I always take your advice to heart...you're soo cool. Oh and Virge, I love your blunt opinions and rational thinking...I'll totally miss them.
Kit: Your name is soo hard to spell! anyway, you've such a vibrant thing to you, and you're soooooo inteligent, and at times, very scary :p I hope you keep this up...and I hope those librarians leave you alone!
Lily Adams I bow to your awesome devocoolness. Your coolness chokes me :bawling:
Baki, steph, sweets: You all are so different but have one thing in common. Your personalities are very strong. You have opinions on everything and anything, and all of you go through such loss and recover so fast! It seems like you guys are invincible or something. I'm sad to leave without getting to know you guys more.
eyemaker, Jamesian, Hira, aashishameya, amalia, nighteshade, Niamh, Sleepy, robinhood: I hardly got to know you guys...if ony I stayed longer!! I do remember you guys, and have very interesting memories with y'all...James and that one night we went crazy with the word assosciation thread...and Niamh and her irish-ness...and eyemaker and her countdown to negative infinity...and sleepy, how could I forget the totally awesome Kraut konspiracy thread?!
Mazhur: you're quite a charachter, I've got to say! Your extremely romantic haikus, but then your deep and painful poems that you write. I will follow all the links you gave me...And I'm keeping those PM's :D
everyoneelse Your awesomeness is what brought you to lit-net...and I hope not help on your homework *grrr*...I'll miss you all.
Anyone I forgot..I didn't forget; everylit-net memeber is a part of me!!!!! I'm not being all "everyone's a winner"-ey...I really mean it!
And how could I forget Admin (totally cool site, if you haven't got the hint from the letter :) ), Logos (thanks for helping me out for the few times when I did need help...I didn't get to know you, but I already know you're coool..and keep spreading the March 29th thing!), Scher (I do believe I've broken a few forum rules here and there...thanks for not banning me and instead giving me warnings ;) ), Aimus...you're too weird. Which is awesome in my cooliometer!
Oh and Lote and LadyW...you remind me of two charachters from a book that bicker about each other but in the end fall madly in love (you both have probably read the book, so I'm not gonna say)...there, I said it, and I do think it's true :D You guys keep on having fun and being outrageous...and LadyW, I love your taste in movies!

I love you all. And I wish you all peace, and happiness in the future...oh and guidance!
you guys could contact me at robotsinme@gmail.com if you want, anything, anytime.
Lots and Lots and lots and lots of love,

Craze


P.S. I really really love y'all. ]]> crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4308-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! My Portrait Has Been Banned! https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4267-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! Sat, 19 Jan 2008 05:27:14 GMT ...I might as well blog about my very boring life:

My mommy came back! and I ran and hugged her! :banana: Why isn't the banana dancing?! Agh! *poke*move you little thing, dance...DANCE!

yup.

Oh, and controversy looms over my school...muhahaha, muhahahaha! A group of students were really sick of the ever-deteriorating relationship between them and the teachers. So, we planned out a meeting between a few of us and the teachers to bridge the gap of communication, and bring out a solution for all those issues we have. Now, teachers think we're conspiring something (of course, we totally want to waste 3 hours of our time talking to teachers just so we can "humiliate" them, right?). We've been trying to explain it to them, but why would they listen to us? We don't earn trust from them at all, even if we're trying to initiate this noble movement. Oh well, that's life :(

Back to the baby:
My sister's kid peed over my mom...and my sister's husband. Now that's a good kid:thumbs_up :D
He has my habits... he really enjoys bathing, he loves to be wrapped up in a blanket, he loves sleeping in the morning and staying awake at night, he drinks fennel water (poor kid has gas and gripe water (sp?) is really dangerous for him...so my mom made this tea for him. I usually put fennel seeds and cardomon in my teas 'cuz it tastes slightly minty).
Oh, and he reacts to color; my sister paints alot, so he enjoys looking at the paintings on the wall. And he loves his dad's voice...

He's a really happy baby :p

Do You Need More Cowbell?!! :p :p :p

[I wish someone could see the source code for this blog entry :D ] ]]> crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4267-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! My Portrait Has Been Banned! https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4203-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! Sun, 13 Jan 2008 06:42:22 GMT I've been trying to write this entry for a long time, but I get worried if entries like these get too personal. And then I realized, what can anyone do with my thoughts? They could harangue me, tease me, or just ignore me, but the freedom I feel releasing my feelings is too valuable for such a price.

Okay, so in the last entry I mentioned something about being committed to something. You'll probably laugh at me, thinking it's not a big deal, but it is to me. I hardly get the chance to take responsibility or take the next step without asking my parents or my peers if it's okay or not. Sure, help is good, but I felt such a strong vibe for this thing, that I just had to take the first step, blind-folded or not:
My experiences in the past used to really define me. I got influenced easily by other people. I was weak. I had a tendency to keep to myself, and would resort to books as me living life. But after a while, when you get pushed in that water, you start swimming down, yourself, so I had become slightly depressed when I got to high school. Now, I've become sort of robotic. I feel a rush of emotions and start acting like a circuit shorted and then I faze out, just like that. My metal armor stops any influence (good or bad) from becoming part of me.
I'm not sad, I don't want too many people around me, I don't want to be angry at my dad anymore, I want to stop worrying for once. All this, I want to resolve-- Why aren't I sad nowadays? People see bad grades and they cry; I laugh. I've become so unaffected by things. I see them as little things that won't matter in life. I know that there's injustice happening in the school and I am very close to blowing up to the "evil" around me and heavily protesting. I don't care anymore of these dumb consequences, because the authority has become much of a superego who won't leave us kids alone. They're at fault, so nothing really matters to me. I see highly esteemed community members as some part of a conspiracy to just rot my school to the core. We try to change, we try to progress, but we're barred to even take the first step, because it doesn't comply with some unwritten school policy.
Since I can't take control of such external problems, I've realized that I must take charge to change myself, to develop myself. I want to start learning-- not getting educated, I really mean learning. I want to jump out of the classroom and give each and every student daisies, and run outside with them to the grass and sit and think. I want us to see the clouds, not read about the semblance of the clouds. You could do only so much to describe a melting ice cube, but if you don't live like the melting ice cube, you won't ever understand. So I want to know what I am...not through only one facet. I want to channel every resource.
And this resource will start with understanding my faith. I mean, really knowing my faith. I want to know what the love of God is...I've been taught things through books and such, but now, all that ever did was discourage me to love God. I saw God, fabricated in a few lines whose purpose was to teach me how I should worship God. Those lines never told me what God is to me, because I didn't author those books. I've read books that were thought provoking, but they never let me step outside of bounds and stop and think. Even prayer became a forced thing, not a purely true symbol of my love. Now, I want to pursue His infinite mercy, His infinite love for mankind. I want to understand myself and trust myself to go on this pursuit.
So I'm getting help from a guide right now...He's a spiritual teacher, who has so much concern for others, it's remarkable. He gets sick just getting worried for the students in my school; he wants to help, and that's what his purpose is, in helping me. So he's not gonna push me to take such and such choices, he's there to support me in whatever I do. He's there to teach my the "how"s and "why"s that I've always had in my heart. I've tried figuring myself out alone, but it never works unless you are very strong. I have extreme mistrust of myself, because no one else ever put me under situations where I had to develop myself.
So I've been writing letters, lots of them, with extremely disjointed thoughts and stories about myself...and he's been very understanding. And, he applauded my effort to go somewhere...he wants me to have a strong foundation though, before I move on. I do have cracks and potholes in my intentions and motives, so I need to fix that to build upon it. Everytime, in the past, when I'd try to build a long structure on this meager base, it would fall and crash at some point. That's quite dangerous...I could've been suicidal, if I hadn't returned to my senses before. And he wants to know what my intention is in doing this. And I'll tell him exactly what I told you...because all this is from my mind and not those physicalities that used to plague my brain and rot it with uselessness and superficiality.
I'm happy, and that's all that matters :) ]]> crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4203-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! My Portrait Has Been Banned! https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4144-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:38:17 GMT YES! I deleted my facebook!

My mom's visiting my sis (with the cute baby) in Cali, and is having fun while I mope around my house, thinking about how much I abhor mind-less schoolwork. MOMMY, I miss you!!:bawling:

My nephew loves taking baths...he loves the water...he reminds me of me: the rain, baths, washing hands, jumping in puddles, drinking water-all of these I enjoy. I really feel this soulful connection with him, though I've only seen his pictures...I love him, and I love him without the "aww, cuuuuutttiiiieee" thing everyone else feels...I love him, because he's a part of me...

I went to an electronics store, and there was someone who wanted to know the price of something. So one of the cashiers came back with the SKU number so that they could match a price, and yelled out in glee: "I found the skkkkkeeeeeeewwww number! Yes, this is the skew number!"...I held back a laugh and coughed instead. I loved that enthusiasm.

I watched all of the Ocean's (11-13) and was dissatisfied...I liked Matt Damon's characterization though.

I can't stop listening to Pearl Jam...I love that deep voice...and "The End" by the Doors

I bruised my knee in a movie store because there were mini racks on the shelves, and were very low and I didn't see them (bad peripheral vision), so I jammed my knee on it.

I want an alien to beam me up to its spaceship, right now :alien:

My bro wanted to fill up the tires with air in the gas station, so he took out all the caps, and then tried to put in quarters, but failed because there was one stuck in the machine...I pointed and laughed. And said in a Forrest Gump-ish voice, "You ge-et what you ge-et"...I'm a natural Mark Twain..:p

My arm was in pain for 3 days. I'm glad that's over.

I finally committed to something HUGE. I'm very very excited...:banana:

My english teacher is getting surgery done tomorrow...I hope it's not too painful. I hope he recovers easily.

I learned that fedex is open for 24 hours.

I've learned to stop worrying and love what I've got so far, thanks a million.

I'd like a vacation again.

"This the end, my only friend, the end..."

Love you, mankind! ]]> crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4144-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! My Portrait Has Been Banned! https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4044-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:25:28 GMT Aunt...I'm an aunt now. As if bob really wants to rub it in my face you're growing old, missy, old *sinister cackle*. And, on top of me being an aunt, comes the other end of the deal: a nephew. Not just any nephew, MY nephew. And he's cute..wait, the whole affair disgusted me from the start. There was a parasite in my sister's stomach for nine months :flare:... and then it's "born" and takes MY title as the youngest kid in the family. Abdicate-shmabdicate, alright? It has no right to shimmy with its cute, wrinkled ~ 8 lb behind and just pull MY throne from under me!
Ech..ech again. Mister drama king with its innocent dazed face hiding the menace to come! humph.
My friends said that after he'd be born, I'd become comfortable with babies and little kids-- uh...nuhuh, it didn't happen yet. Nothing changed me, I'm just responsible for giving someone an authority/maternal-caringish figure. I get left with the dirty work and he, HE enjoys being the center of everything in the world forever!
I wish I could understand the poor, frightened thing, trying to discern all the sights and sounds from one another. I wish I could ease the terror of a new world, another phase among a gazillion...I wish I could save him from that garbage we succumb to entertain us. I wish I could teach him about loving to learn like he's doing now, rather than baking into a cookie cutter shape the educational system tries to make us embrace.
I fear for him, I see the hurt he's going to feel when he finds his first dissapointment, his vulnerability, his ego getting shattered for the first time, the pain when reality sinks in-- when he's realized that whatever he did before was all just a brainwashing of some kind, enforced by corrupted media. His first bout of sadness...his start to his end. Loss of hope...
But then I see the beginning, a renewal from his comfortable fetal-womb mutualism, freedom from the umbilical cord of mother's protection, overcoming societies potholes and earthquakes. The beginning of community, the beginning of exploration, the beginning of EMOTIONS, the beginning of spirituality, and love. Love of the world, love of his past, longing of his future, love of his life, love the physical response to love, love the virtual camaraderie,...LOVE.
I see a return to his first love, his mother, my sister, my mother's daughter, my brother-in-law's wife, my brother's sister, my sister's friend's friend, god's creation, GOD, love of god, love of everything, return to his SELF-- acknowledgment of self v. him v. his mother's child v. society's child v. god's beautiful creation.
Well, that brat's lucky :p

I don't know how to phrase this:
Please pray(/hope/some other form of supplication you believe in) for all the innocent deaths happening everywhere (politically motivated, personally, etc) to receive their due peace.

btw tea makes you go to the loo...and three pots of that stuff is dangerous;) ]]> crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?4044-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! My Portrait Has Been Banned! https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?3977-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned! Tue, 18 Dec 2007 15:41:14 GMT :yawnb: Just woke up, might as well start writing: hmm... where does Lit-Net fit in with the rest of the jumbled up soup pot called by some, my... :yawnb: Just woke up, might as well start writing:
hmm... where does Lit-Net fit in with the rest of the jumbled up soup pot called by some, my life? Does it float right next to the books I love, or my new-found fascination of philosophy? Why am I faceless in Lit-Net, where I reveal everything (my feelings, desires, hope, beliefs) but my NAME, or even a picture that I'd associate my self with, but very open about my symbolic identity (that my parents chose to adopt) in Facebook and reserved about my true self? I don't force any comment here, whereas in Facebook, I think twice before even saying hello. Isn't Facebook more unreal than my virtual self in Lit-Net? Why do I even choose to communicate on the internet when I could just as well send letters to my friends, or pick up the phone? Why do I put convenience above friendship-- it's not even friendship; it's the acknowledgment of others' existence? Well, Lit-Net is my release, where I could come in with my mind, stark, and just reveal things that I would think twice to mention to any acquaintance. I hope I have a good future here, and come out more learned than I was before.
Welcome to the infinite ramblings of a confused mind!:sick: ]]> crazefest456 https://www.online-literature.com/forums/entry.php?3977-My-Portrait-Has-Been-Banned!