someone please help me

I have anxiety attacks, I feel worried, I feel concern. My face floods with tears. I want to stop this..I don't know how. Im so lost.
I have a boyfriend, whenever I talk to him about this...he gets irritated, starts raising his voice. He claims I'm a ***** sometimes. I've been trying to change my ways lately. I remember before I met him, I used to be a tough girl, let nothing bother me. Now that I have spent time with him, I have become a pushover. I let people step all over me. Im the kind of person who takes things, lets things bottle up..I want the most horrible unimaginable things to happen to me.
I want to vanish from this putrid planet. I want to be alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. I want nothing. Nothing but peace of mind and peace of being. I want signals, signs, clues to tell me what it is I need to do. Help me exterminate these suffocating emotions I constantly go through. Im a naive girl that needs much to learn. I have to become vulgar, brute, coarse.
Let nothing and nobody keep me down. Dream and pursue my fancy. Help me open my eyes, lead me to the right direction, save me from--me.